too many feelings

ooooh i am so so so very mad and upset right now..maybe its not mad maybe im just frustrated to the max..so much for calming down and getting my head to feel a little more together...why is it that as soon as everyone knows im leaving they want me to stay..the lady i babysit for called me tonight and offered me a job..a salary job..tutor the kids and assisting with stuff for her..stuff i do anyway but now it would be all official and what not..and it upsets me because a couple months ago when i needed a job and would have stayed for the job it wasnt available..and now it is and im leaving already..i cant change my mind now because its too late for that.. i would have been able to afford to stay..and now im leaving and its not even a possibility anymore but now the offer is out there and i had to turn her down when she told me about it..she asked if i would help her get it online and stuff..but its like :censor it would have worked out so well and now i cant do it..im not upset about leaving ..im upset about losing the chance to have a stable job, keep my therapist, live somewhere not at home..but it was too late...i cant disappoint yvonne like that..that would be awful and she needs me as much as i need her..friend wise to just be around and accessible and stuff..it seems so unbelievable ...you know..i waited and waited and hoped for the tutoring thing..but it just came to late..:( and that does make me very very sad :(

but sad feelings aside..i really am feeling rather scattered right now still..and not completely ok with things..once i was up this morning and moving around after turning in paperwork super early..i felt ok..i almost felt happy..it was shocking...i actually saw both of my clients today..without calling out or switching anyone around ..and i am happy about that..its been a while since ive done that... but seeing the baby of course does brighten my day..and they had a new little puppy ..and it was fun of course using the playdoh and things..and so all that was ok...but then the person i saw after t was ok too but a little harder cas i was thinking about all the stuff from t and it was making me a little nervous and on edge but not horrible to deal with...

t was well t..it was fun and incredibly distracting today..thanks to me and wanting to do everything but therapy lol..i showed her the new book from yvonne and gave her a picture which she is going to hang in her window..talked about the interview and going to va..and she told me she was proud of me..more than once actually.. :$ and then we talked a bit about moving and putting in my notice and all of that..and she told me how important it was to not wait..and yeah i had planned on waiting ..but talking about it with her and her well refusing to do it for me..made me worried and i knew if i didnt do it today then it would have done it all week and i didnt really have much more time to play with in that area..and sooo i worried and stressed about it and back out of actually doing it and finally just managed to get it out and kinda let one of my supervisors know..she is going to let my other supervisors know and then well i have to tell all my families :( and im not looking forward to that at all..but anyway back to t stuff..so we talked about moving and ending with her..and well she told me that she thinks i need to have a goal of ending with her completely by january..and finding a new t in va by then :( ...but in the mean time i can talk to her on the phone and see her when i come back to nc to do stuff..so that will have to work .. but im not to pleased with it really..and im worried big time about not having reg face to face t .. i really am..and i know we will be ok but that doesnt ease the fears any at all...but then i managed to sidetrack t yet again by showing her pictures online..and asking about her tree and who would remind her to water it..and yeah..lots of distracting today.. but left her feeling once again almost happy in all its creepy weirdness..(no idea what was in my juice this morning!)

and i told one of my families kinda already that im leaving today..i told my clients guardian but not my actual client..she doesnt need to know yet...but i was happy cas her aunt told me that they may have found her a group home to go to and that is what she needs..she needs some independence and living on her own..but i have to tell my other families and im not really looking forward to having to do that..one family in particular that i may have to beg one of my supervisors to help with cas they are not gonna be happy that im leaving ..

but maybe its just been a lot to take in for one day..i dont know..im tired and feeling so many different things that it just frustrates me right now..all of it