Today was supposed to be a day to relax but that is not happening now that mommy is home. As soon as she got home it was one thing or another that needed to be done or talked about. Wearing a hair tie on my wrist must be code for asking what im doing and why im wearing it. Telling her I do not want something because I dont have the money for it is code for her to get it anyway and then tell me ill have to pay her back when i have the money. I thought telling her pretty straightforwardly that I did not want them was being as clear as I could be about it but I guess even with saying no I missed something . So now I have a pair of sneakers that I need but knew I couldnt afford. She got other things for the new apartment, well for my room in the apartment and I told her they were ok, because I didnt think a no would get me anywhere at all. I cant remember the last time I set foot in a church, but her way to save me is to go and buy me a copy of the lords prayer and then tell me I am to keep it in my room and not lose it. She started in on the are you really sure you want to go, and do you care that I will be in the house all alone conversations today too, when I was 'trapped' in the kitchen helping with stuff. What am I supposed to say no? That I could care less about you being in the house alone? I dont like being guilted into caring about something, or saying something just to make her feel better. She does very little to make me feel better so why should I have to bend over backwards to make her happy?
Not to mention it has been decided that we are taking a day trip this week to Myrtle Beach because a friend of hers is there. I am going because that means I will be driving and so we will take my car. I have nothing in common with the two other kids that are there. They are years younger than me and what am I supposed to do with them? I don't want to 'hang out' with mommy at all and I dont want to even go but I am going. I get to miss work to go, because I started to say no and then somehow it turned into an ok. I'm not even sure how. It is only an overnight trip and I know it wont be a big deal but it makes me nervous and puts me on edge big time. I don't trust being in the car with mommy at all anymore, I don't need or want to sit through any more one on one talks with her where she assumes she knows what she is talking about and questioning me about. I don't want to deal with it but I will.
just a lot of thoughts going through my head right now. Feeling very upset and sad right now.
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