a really very bad day

I am not sure I will ever really have my say. :unsure:

mommy was very very mad at me today..this morning because i did not want to loan her money for something and because i didnt answer her when she calls. why would she expect me to be up at 7 in the morning just to answer her when she yells at me? Then I mix up my dreams and her calling me and cant separate it out, and it just leaves me scared and anxious. She was mad though and called back to let me know just how mad she was. She let me know I was selfish, mean, etc. I didnt do enough, I didnt give enough. She does everything and I do nothing. She brought up me moving and how much she will have to give to help. Her helping with my moving was supposed to be a birthday gift. No I wasnt expecting her to cover all the costs. I really wasn't, but listening to her yelling at me this morning made it seem like I just took everything from her and gave nothing in return. I will leave and make sure I stay out of her hair. I wanted to do a lot of not so good things this morning, but I didnt do any of them. I couldnt deal with all of the noise in my head or the silence that insued from me turning everything off in my room because it was to much to handle. I cried off and on the entire time I made myself get dressed and ready for work because staying at home today would have just left me feeling much worse. I cant handle it, I cant deal with any of it. All day I have had the worst headache, I keep thinking about everything that happened this morning and it was such a one sided argument. Not even a real argument, but i dont know what else to call it. She talked, I listened. She yelled and complained and blamed me for all of my faults and disgraces and whatever else she could come up with on short notice and I said nothing. I didnt defend myself, and just let it all go on until she hung up on me to let me know that the conversation was over. Why didnt I stand up for myself? argue? prove her wrong in some way? prove my worthiness in some way? I did nothing at all :lightning Half the time I listened I agreed with her, half the time I just wanted to scream for her to just stop and leave me alone. We dont get along anymore, maybe we never did, maybe I just made myself believe we did or that I just wanted to believe we did and that it would all be ok. I still have a headache from this morning, I went to work and was just there because I didnt want to talk to or be around anyone. I have been so just disconnected today, I did what I had to do, what I was expected to do and that was all. I answered my phone every single time mommy called, so she wouldnt think I was being unjustly mean or rude. I agreed to what ever she said because I didnt want to be selfish. I erased every single emotion from my thoughts so that I wouldnt come across as anything she didnt like. Not even that is good enough though, nothing is good enough. She is trying hard to control how and when i move. it is becoming daily, that I shouldnt move without a job, that i should commute here during the week and only stay in va on the weekends. I should look for a job and apply where she says. i should go up sooner and just find a place to stay until i can move in, on and on and on. i finally told her i had a phone interview and i wish i hadnt..ive had two this week, the one i did today more promising than the one i did the other day, but as soon as she asked about pay and i told her, her advice was to keep looking. the job i want i cant settle for, i have to find something better according to her. but i really liked the job i did the phone interview for today, and its like it just doesnt matter. I dont know why i bother or try to do anything. i was stupid and told yvonne that ..well i asked her if she would say nice things at my funeral ..that was oh bad I was feeling earlier and said absolutely nothing about it to anymore..i still need to apologize to her for sending her that message..im just messing up things today.