supposed to feel

im supposed to feel but no one said what im supposed to feel...i dont know how to label everything...i spent most of last night completely afraid to go to sleep because i was afraid of what i might dream...i really am so afraid of what goes on in my head...im surprised i make through everyday life without anyone figuring out im completely out of it...im afraid one of these days ill end up breaking down and then everyone will know im not ok..everyone will start asking if im ok..i wouldnt be able to hide anything anymore...it my doc knew how much i was cutting again she would be so disappointed...whenever i make it back in to see her and she asks she will be disappointed...i dont know...i cut this morning and i know im going home and its just like if mommy if catches a glimpse of my wrist i might as well go ahead and kill myself...she will threaten to pull me out of school again...and thats the worst possible thing that could happen..i dont have anyone to talk to about the actual s/i stuff...my teachers work for leveling out my head but i cant tell them everything because they are still my teachers...im afraid i really will have to go to the place on campus for the time being just because i really need someone to talk to just to talk and that worries me because it means ive really reached my limit of what i can safely handle...the calmness of the day is wearing off and im just back to being nervous and scared and im worried mommy will see and stick me in hospital and make me stay home and everyone will hate me ! its all i can do not to just start crying right now...i have some safety in knowing that my teacher will help me with the family paper that i have to do but i still have to write it and that worries me big time...why do i have to keep pulling stuff on my family up...its like im being forced to remember and i dont want to remember and i keep having to do them and its so hard and everytime i consider just making up some new family for myself but i never do and i tell most of the truth and just leave some things out..but social work teachers arent stupid and they are really good at reading between the lines and im just worried i will end up saying something i dont want my teacher to know...i dont want it to get around the social work dept that im a cutter..i dont want special treatment..i dont want ppl worried i cant handle the work..even if i cant...if my teachers didnt know about the s/i i wouldnt know who to talk to about it and i would be safer in a sense but talking to my teacher today helped and i know that and it was so hard emailing her and asking to talk..but im really trying