i decided posting here is better than nothing and it will keep me busy until i have to go...
im going to a movie tonight but i dont really want to go anymore..since renee will be looking for me ill go..i just feel really disconnected and normally this only happens if ive been burning and i havent...i havent burned since the last time and i scared myself enough to stop that for the time being...i have been cutting but its been a few days..that will change soon but for right this minute it has been a few days..ive been in the library for a while and started to just not feel good and now im way out there and have no clear idea what im feeling anymore..not that i care much but oh well for me since i suck anyway...mommy had her surgery yesterday and still she managed to make me feel like a complete idiot...i nevermind..i figured it all out and i really shoould have tried a little harder to fend off the whole suicidal thing but i didnt...i mean besides the daily convos with mommy things havent been horrible just boring..classes are decent the ones ive been to anyway..my books were really expensive this semester for what i had to have and i swear its a waste of money..school is a waste of time sometimes...im really not looking forward to my teachers email about coming to see them...i know ill be able to put it off for a while but not for two long because they can just take me out of the program if i seem to be having problems...but then i never have problems .. well not problems that anyone can see if i dont want them too...yvonne tells me all the time im the most put together person she knows and it just makes me want to yell at her sometimes because its not that simple...im not that simple but i really just choose not to bother telling anyone that...i really would rather everyone thought i was fine but then it bothers me so much when everyone really does think im fine...
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