Mother's day

A day that fills me with fear and dread...I feel so angry..so sad..so hurt..so forgotten... my thoughts are going crazy and I'm fighting to stay present and grounded.

I didn't sleep so great last night...I wake up feeling as if my world has ended... all night I just kept thinking and remembering ... I remember the fear..the threats to leave me and kill me..the hitting and yelling and comparing... but I don't remember love...or nice words..no hugs..I don't remember feeling wanted...or liked..I remember wishing to die..

All these years later.. I don't feel that much has changed..I am working to become stronger and still the thoughts incapacitate me.. my thoughts are dark and very hurtful...I'm worried that I will cut just for some release... there is no where for the thoughts to go..so they stay in my head and take over...

I sent her a card and I hope she got it in time or I'll be in trouble.. I'm to Afraid to just ask her...in a little while I'll have to call her and be happy when I'm incredibly close to tears...

 I don't like mothers day...I really don't.. I can't deal with what it beings up

Just a thought from work

I really wish people could understand that calm body language and patience goes a lot farther than yelling...they may have disabilities but they are not stupid...I hate that..I had to explain to a coworker today that I repeatedly kept answering the same question for one client because it helped keep him calm..I didn't yell at him or have to chase him like the coworker did...I told him that it didn't bother me to answer the same question over and over..it wasn't stopping me from doing my work.or hurting me in anyway...I don't want power over anyone else..I'm there to help and make sure they are safe and have fun...not to yell at them...I hate that many in this field don't know that..it makes me sad...

On edge

Things are moving very fast and I am nervous and anxious about it...I have to go get my fingerprints done and her my other paperwork done..I see Anita tomorrow and with work starting possibly very soon I don't know how to be able to see her and not seeing her may send me into a tail spin..I have doc appts and stuff to figure out and I'm feeling really overwhelmed ..plus Sarah has a new agency starting tomorrow..new people.. becoming comfortable with someone being here all day...after 2 months of just us...and now there will be someone else and it makes me nervous and sad...I will have to wait another couple weeks to get my stuff from nc... and I just want my stuff at this point..I may end up having to get an air mattress... sleeping on the floor is not fun...I want to hide ..isolate...too many things are changing..I should be happy right? Why am I not happy? I just want to have immense quiet...with no expectations...

Busy busy days

Yesterday was super busy and tiring as I was moving stuff...we are in the new apartment though :) it is a truly nice feeling to feel safe after so much moving around and not really having a steady home...And now against everything thrown at me and Sarah..we have an apartment..it is exciting and scary...

Plus I've been offered a job...a perfect job ! M - f ...at a day support program... I have  to go and pick up the packet of info to fill out and get my finger prints and stuff done..before I can start...but I did it..I got a job...hopefully my background issue won't end up with me getting fired and that makes me so nervous...but I'm can't worry about it now...I have to wait and just see and pray that I can keep this job...

Unpacking and stuff today..but gotta go to the other apartment to get the cats and bring over some little things...

But things are seriously looking up and it makes me so very nervous...I'm afraid something will take it all away :( but I'm working to enjoy these days.

Thoughts

For the first time in weeks/ months my stomach isn't bothering me....I did not spend yesterday running back and forth to the bathroom..all this time..I can see from two and three years ago in old Facebook posts that I've been having stomach issues for a long time...And it has sucked royally...And for my doc to ask about what I'm eating..because I always swore up and down that my eating doesn't change..but it was what I've been eating...what I've always eaten..And its more than just being like it's not healthy...it was literally sending me to the hospital...this may,be the hardest thing ever..And I feel so stupid for not considering this sooner ..but this is like the ultimate self care for me...this is truly having to figure out how to work with my body and try to save it without hating it at,the same time..it is different and hard but as I told my doc..  am sick to death of being sick..

How things are going..

This weekend will be one for flat out relaxing as next week is going to be incredibly busy!

Kai got fixed yesterday and he is doing well..lots of cuddling and laying with me...I can tell he is taking it a bit easy..he is younger than I thought though...the docs peg him at 7 months and I was saying he is 9 months because I was told he was born in August...but he was awfully small when I got him at the beginning of Oct...so maybe he is a bit younger..I'll make his birthday around my birthday :)

I finally got the change of address form submitted...I did forget to go and get my meds yesterday ..so I'll have to get them on Monday..

Went grocery shopping yesterday and looked for the gluten free options ..at first I wasn't seeing any and was starting to get overwhelmed..but I was able to slow down and figure out what little sign I was looking for..And found more things..I got a lot of fruits and some veggies and stuff..some popcorn chips and I even got some waffles..it is going to be a learning experience for sure...but I had an almost normal stomach day yesterday...I'm so nervous that this won't work and I'm trying not to get my hopes to high..but I'm working on sticking with it..

I was able to close out my storage unit yesterday..And got that stuff moved to the apartment..so now we have to work on  finishing up packing Sarah's stuff and the plan is to move her stuff on Wed morning..

And I have an interview next week..on Tuesday ..at 10am.
.a full time position..m -f ...I really want this job!!

So I guess things are going ok ...surprisingly.. a bit stressful but ok..

big eating changes

i am terrified of the changes i have to make to my diet...im scared that i have no idea what i am doing...i am beginning the process of taking gluten and dairy out of my diet...im having so many stomach issues that  i will gladly do it...but its taking away a lot of stuff that i eat on a regular basis..and that is scary...i know there are a lot of gluten free options but im not big on trying new things..and for right now im going to go back to what i know and am comfortable with..as i learn more about this...diary isnt so hard as i know there is dairy free butter..i can live without milk and cheese ... but the gluten part..that one is just daunting..no bread..no processed stuff..boring old fruits and vegetables .. meats are ok to eat..seafood..but not fried..corn stuff is ok ..and im suddenly glad that i like grits...im tryin to go slow but i know i will just stop eating the stuff as much as i can..and see if it helps...

Something is wrong with my stomach

May end up back  at the er because  of my stomach issues...trying to stick it out and call my doc tomorrow..but since Saturday things have been pretty bad...I don't know what to do really

kicked while already down...

if this was a battle...then today i lost and lost big time...

mommy - 1
me - 0

im not sure i can find the words to truly express how badly i am feeling right now...my thoughts have gone downhill and are sitting at the bottom of this hole and i see no way out...im tired..my head hurts..and i feel lost ...i know i shouldnt believe her but i was already feeling a bit vulnerable from therapy and so talking to her and having her just i guess attack me in a way just made it all worse...she got me twice today ...and it is to much to deal with...im tired of fighting..and i asked her to stop because i was feeling stressed out and she didnt ..it was like i didnt even say anything..

according to her ..i need to stay in the closet...plan on moving out of sarahs in a year..dont make myself comfortable ... brought up old things that have been said to me..brought up my failures at my jobs and with living arrangements..my messy car...my inability to pack and clean and organize...all of it...if i can be so secretive with my family then i need to be just as secretive with everyone else...over and over ..i get this advice from her..and its like she doesnt care...no one cares in my family ..but as long as i keep up the pretense that i work with sarah then she is happy...nothing more can be said..i dont trust her or nia..and it feels like i do need to go back to keeping secrets ..because otherwise im doing something wrong...she says she doesnt care about my lifestyle and in the same breath tells me not to let anyone know..that what goes on behind closed doors is my business ...and not to mix business and personal...and that people will talk and say i am taking advantage of sarah ... and that im doing something wrong...i keep feeling like i am doing something wrong when im not...im truly not ...but i am fed the same arguments over and over...what part of im movin in with sarah is not clear?  why would i plan to move in a year if ive said im living with her? why am i going to make new plans now that dont include her ?  i feel like i will be forced to distance myself ... because i cant seem to win at this... i feel like im being pushed away in some ways because im not good enough..i dont fit in well enough..because im not following her commands as well as i once did ... does she ever think that maybe i need support to? or that i know being in a relationship takes work but every time i turn around im told to keep it quiet ...to leave..to move .. to date other people...over and over that is what i hear and it wears on me...not to make me leave sarah but just makes me tired and depressed and suicidal because it is so much to fight against..so many thoughts to fight against and sometimes i dont feel like i have any fight left...today i have nothing left...i cant think...and cutting is at the forefront of my mind..because i dont know any other way to ease this stress...because i feel like im worthless..not good enough ...a total waste of space..not accepted or even wanted...never wanted or liked  or loved..because im just a horrible person and should die anyway ... that was the plan  away..all those years ago ... just die and get it over with..and now all these years later i still have that same thought

emotional breakdown in progress

fighting for this stage in my life

something has been on my mind for the past couple weeks...ive been thinking hard about something and i just couldnt put my finger on what it was....yesterday after yet another conversation with mommy and sarah had a conversation with one of her case managers and i realized that we are both being questioned to death about this choice we are making ...and it is upsetting me in a way...it is stressful and overwhelming to always have to explain why..and defend the decision..and just not have people be happy for us..either separately or together...

i talked to sarah yesterday and she was upset and crying and i told her that i had decided no one would be taking this happiness away from me...and i realized in that moment that i truly meant it...that this move has been a long time coming and i dont want to be made to doubt myself or the decision...we made the choice together..we will be living there together..not with everyone who feels the need to share there opinions about the apartment or anything else...and im holdin tightly to the thought that this is a good move..this is what we need..we are always better together..we have talked about the pros and cons...we have talked about the changes that need to be made ...we have talked about ALL of it...and still people doubt..but no one is offering any help...except mommy and im paying for that!

the thing is that i am finally in a place right now where i am feeling accepted...almost happy even some days...and it is a feeling that i dont want to have go away...in the past almost three years ..i have been homeless more than once ..in bad living situations..without jobs..without a car...and now ..finally now things are beginning to look up and ill be damned if i have anyone take that away..its not fair...its my life..and im happy with the choices i am currently making...believe me i have made some really bad choices in the past but i am still alive...i have learned even if i didnt want to learn...i learned..and now..finally now i am able to say that my current choice is one that truly makes me happy and lets me feel at peace...and the fact that a lot of people are doubting us makes me want to scream...we are both adults the last time i checked..capable of making decisions..why do people think that they get to force their opinions....

so screw all of them...i can deal with mommy with sarahs help...and sarah can deal with all her loud opinionators with my help....

but i am determined to see this through..its not for anyone else...its not to make anyone else happy...its like ive struggled for so long and no one really knows that ..but sarah does know..and she has stayed by my side...we have managed to make things work in the face of everyones opinion...and we are still together...has no one figured it out yet ???

im learning...that i have to make choices for me..and my happiness ... and i dont want to let anyone ruin it for me...i dont...

Sick

Heyy
I have been pretty quiet , ended up going to the ER yesterday bout the chest pain because it got worse... I'm not having a heart attack....luckily...gave me pain meds and sent me home..said it was maybe a pulled muscle or something...on top of having major stomach issues..it's been a crappy couple days..literally..I'm reduced to saltines, soup and ginger ale...I did eat a pbj a little while ago and my stomach is not happy..I'm just worn out from it all. A lot of time laying down..going to try to get the pain meds filled tomorrow. Maybe they will help...I just,feel crummy.And gross ..

Feelings

Stuck in my head...sad thoughts and feelings..cranky..irritable..quiet..wanting to have silence..distancing myself..some thoughts of harming..Just feeling off..very unsettled and tense..can't relax ..overwhelmed..tearful..sorry for being me..headaches and not wanting to eat..angry..down..I'm feeling invisible...lost and alone...lonely..tired..exhausted..I don't know

So much in my head

I really wish I could listen to music right now..but I can't so I'll try to write and not get lost in my thoughts.... the depression is getting bad again...I feel tired..I feel off..I feel like crying...I feel down...really down...I'm at home we are leaving Saturday morning..it's storming currently so leaving now would have sucked anyway...mommy was only around for a few hours and still I got overwhelmed, defensive, upset...but she is out of town now and still I can't seem to relax...I don't know

But good news for a.change..I have a place to live

A real address...an apartment with Sarah...soon we will have more privacy...more space..And we will be together...we would out for sure yesterday..the lease will be signed on April 1st...And then I'll be back on Richmond for good by May,1st... finally

Kai is doing good..he has grown a lot !! But he still remembers me..he is such a good cat...super energetic but good...And bounce is super chill And good

Well

My anxiety has been increasing lately...I'm worrying about a lot of things and its happening more at night.. and then I end up having trouble sleeping.. I did start back on the wellbutrion today...at a lower dose than I was before...so will see how it goes.. I'm a little nervous because I don't remember how I handled taking it last time or what side effects popped up if any...so I'm trying to be careful...
I'm still having stomach issues and that just depresses me...my stomach is back to constantly hurting...and going back and forth to the bathroom is a pain...I hate it...

Not feeling so great

My stomach is acting up again...back to being a gross mess from multiple bathroom trips...I'm worn out...and feel weak like my body is going to give out...I'm tired and can't sleep but I did take a nap earlier... I feel awful that I'm just laying around and can't hold on to energy enough to get anything done...I feel nauseous and my stomach seriously hurts...and I'm just sick of looking at the bathroom.. OK whining over with.. I'm just gonna lay back down

Things

Today and yesterday have been really long days...busy days..And I'm not sure if I am completely processing things...we talked to the case manager about me being here into  the new agency is in place..And it is a big responsibility...a big thing to do...I have to be careful that I don't get burned out or startt to feel so tired that I no longer want to help...I guess that means I just need to do self care and not keep things bottled up...I have to be idealistic about what I can do and not try to be super woman and move heaven and earth to get things done...I'm not doing it to be recognized or anything..I agreed to stay way back when things started to look sketchy...I am here ..I will,stay...its just I feel bad for needing space at times or having  mood issues and shut down..or being a spazz and crying for some unknown reason..ughh..it will work out...it has too..it's going to. I have to be confident..I'm trying to be confident and not dwell on things mommy tell me...My life is slowly becoming more stable....I feel safe at Sarah's...I have a small steady paycheck...soon we will be moving..around may...Im  going to get kai in a couple weeks and bringing him back with me..much to bounces horror...I really need to get kai fixed..essh...I'm going home with Sarah for a couple days to get kai and all of that...

I'm feeling more or stable ground I guess...the depression has eased a bit...things don't look so bleak right now...I'm trying...I think I'm looking for validation...Maybe that's what it...Just reassurance that I'm doing ok...that I'm making good choices...that I don't need to be afraid...I don't know...

Some days I just get so tired of being me...

Had a falling out again with mommy..I knew the peace wouldn't last...I'm just left feeling so left out and worthless..I'm really down..And so very tired..

I'll  be restarting a med either Friday or Monday...Maybe it will  help lift me out of this overwhelming depression..it hurts to talk..to engage..I want to be alone but that's not possible..I was honest with Sarah about wanting to cut..but I haven't done it...the desire is there but the energy to go through with it is not...

I've been reading a lot today..trying to keep busy..bounce has been close to me a lot..Sarah to..I'm just struggling and I hate it...

a lot of changes

im not even sure where to start on the amount of things that are changing....ill be moving back to richmond before october and living with sarah...we are apartment hunting now...that is a happy happy set of news that i will be able to move back and find another job up here..vs lookin for one in nc..i will miss haning out with courtney and marley and the boys but yea i do better away from home...im still working on becoming more self sufficient..im working and slowly am able to see ow ill be able to save...right now money is needed for moving ..and once that is taken care of i will save for a new computer and then for the trip in sept to Illinois ...

things got bad with the aides and the company last week and so they are gone now...but that means i am here...and being here doesnt bother me...im still really upset that it was assumed that i would be here and able to do the stuff that needs to get done...i told sarah i would stay until the aide thing is worked out...but this past week as exhausted me...in so many ways...a lot of angry feelings...

mommy is still being nice when i talk to her...no pushing or talks about what im eating or not eating or where my money is going ... so that is good but weird...im still waiting for the other shoe to drop you know...but its been a little over a week and things are still civil...

i did ask to see the med doc though and we are going to look at my medicine on monday and make some changes...im nervous about that..i hate med changes ..but what im on now isnt really working ... and have been feeling more suicidal and stuff..so looking at them will be a good idea.

i do miss kai and hopefully will get to see im soon..but i know mommy and courtney are looking after him for me....

im working hard to use my coping skills.  ive been coloring a lot and even went for a walk one evenin when i was royally pissed off...i havent been cutting or anything

i am feeling a little down today so i am taking it easy...

Angry

Very very angry and struggling to calm down...took some meds and am finally able to think a little bit more calmly.. did some  writing and listened to music ..but still angry...

One of Sarah's aides has been yelling at her and she didn't show on monday and now she has pretty much quit..but the supervisor has only talked to the aide and is coming on Monday to see and talk to Sarah about what is going on...the aide has been waiting till I'm not around to say things.to Sarah and that pisses me off..the fact that the supervisor is saying it was a miscommunication pisses me off..the fact that the aide is taking personal days tomorrow and Monday and no back up person is being sent pisses me off...I'm sick of them assuming that I'm  here and will do it...the supervisor said nothing about someone coming in....

I am so angry and frustrated and they really all must think I am stupid..or have forgotten that I have a degree and I've done in home and personal care...I know what is supposed to  happen and this company is failing miserably...they have made one to many excuses now...I won't let it continue...

I wish I was good enough

My looks are something to be ashamed of...everything about me is shameful and embarrassing..I'm not pretty enough or thin enough..I'm not active enough..I don't take care of myself...it's hard taking care of something I hate..And the question I guess is who taught me to hate everything about myself...destroy the thing you hate..I sit in silence and agree that I'm not good enough..that I need to be better...I may as well agree that I'm worthless and no matter how hard I try I'll never manage to be enough...so why bother..

i feel as if something is wrong

Im feeling down..pressured i guess..i didnt go home this week because of the weather ... mommy has been calling and just questioning the life out of me..and i end up more stressed out and upset and defensive...she keeps making it seem as if i am doing something wrong by staying with sarah..like in some way she is making me sick...somehow i am getting in the way...using up all of sarahs stuff...that im not wanted and need to just stay out of the way...things that fill my head with doubt and tears and sadness and anger all at the same time ..and i dont understand why she tries so very hard to make me doubt myself...to question what i am doing..its not fair ... my little bits of happiness become overshadowed and i wonder if i am in the way..if i am doing something wrong and i hate it...being at home is causing a lot of stress..the pressure to just be better is there..everything i do is watched and i feel like i cant do anything right...i was actually told not to apply for a job at family dollar because its somehow beneath me to work there...and i dont need to be in the community like that...no one knows im home..i cant work in the community around were we live because i guess some one will recognize me or something..knowing i have issues with my background right now and she is doing everything is her power to keep me hidden away like im not wanted or worth the trouble..and it makes it hard to have confidence in anything at all when im constantly put up against some imaginary list of qualities i dont have...it makes me feel like a failure ...im questioned so much i guess i am a failure ... everything from what i eat to finding a job..how much im making ..paying back nia and rob and wayne and her...i dont have time to breathe because im always worrying...worrying how im going to manage and survive and do what i need to do and keep everyone else happy..because im sure at some point this will all kill me anyway .. and its really is like living on borrowed time and that at some point my body will just call it quits and no one will even care...ill be permanently out of the way and not a hassle for anyone anymore..the stress doesnt go away...even though im not even at home this week has been really stressful...she calls and makes me feel like a liar when i say the weather is bad..she swears that being here is keeping me sick and i got sick at home..she hints that im in the way here at sarahs and that im going to be seen as taking advantage of her...she asks if i asked if i could stay ..if it was ok...am i staying out of the way of her aides...everything...anything that can be questioned is.. and im left feeling as if im not wanted anywhere..and its pushing my thoughts into unsafe areas..

worthless life

Why me..a question that I keep asking today..for some reason I can't do anything right today..every phone call leaves me feeling worse than the one before it...And somehow I am the one feeling suicidal..And worthless and paranoid..why is it such a concern where I'm at...why is she trying so hard to make me give up everything relating  to Sarah..because now..in a  sick some how because of Sarah...I got sick at home..I've been sick both places...but staying home and not working will do what for me? How long will that last exactly before  I'm hounded to find another job..to stay home where I have nothing and where I'm not happy...all I get are questions..accusations..And I end up feeling defensive and upset and on edge...I can't relax because I can't stop worrying..And all day the thoughts get worse...And I stupidly keep answering the phones...I've gone from being ok to being unsafe in matter of hours..  wan t to scream and cry and just give up because no matter what I can't seem to make things work..I'm still in trouble..I'm still useless...And currently I just wish I was dead...

Valentine's 2016

Spent the day watching movies and goofing off...there is candy also :)

today

Today I've felt happy and pretty calm...still sick and feeling crummy but not as bad as it has been....I once again down play it but as mommy told me when I did it...I've been really sick..I'm truly not sure the last time I've been so sick...Maybe I need to take vitamins or something and build up my immune system..

But I'm back in Richmond for the weekend..I drove down this morning...I know what I need to do next time if I leave on Saturday and not Friday...I think I prefer coming down Friday..but i can handle a Saturday drive every so often..

I was pretty excited that I managed to get Sarah the cupcakes that she likes...that made me really happy. She got me flowers and candy and a stuffed unicorn..which made me happy too

I wonder why

I'm sick..I know I'm sick..I know to limit my contact with other ppl because  of being sick..being told three days in a row to not be around Sarah has me feeling paranoid and out of sorts..I have to work yes..but anything beyond that is just making me nervous...And talking to mommy keeps me on edge...And it just feels like I'm always stuck defending myself..over stupid things..am I really that stupid? I just feel like I nee  to be quiet and not do anything at all since I,can't even manage to be sock correctly.

sleep patterns...

Everything is born of something
Every action has a reaction
Every choice has a consequence

I was asked tonight if I would put my bed in the middle of the room or up against the wall when I move. A simple question..a yes or no question..a or answer question...it was not supposed to be a life altering question by any means..yet here I am thinking about it still and wondering why it's not just a simple question for me..I'm frustrated that it's not a simple question.I'm frustrated that I feel the need to explain my answer and say,why...but I'm not even 100% sure why...

I'm trying hard to remember how my bed was set up as a kid...was it against the wall or in the middle of the room..but I don't remember..Maybe it was a mix of both..I moved rooms a lot..

In college of course my bed was against the wall..My first apartment it was in the middle of the floor..when I moved home..it was back against the wall..it changes
.but why does it change? I should be old enough now that I should know how I am comfortable sleeping...but I'm not..I don't know..

When I sleep with Sarah I sleep against the wall..I feel safe an  protected that way...

At home my bed is against the wall but I sleep on the outside part of the bed that's not against the wall...I sleep facing the door..No one can surprise me or get into bed with me without my permission..I don't feel safe at home...I don't see why anyone would be sneaking in my bed but I am watchful..I have to protect myself..I keep stuffed animals and other things on the other side of the bed so there is no room for anyone else..

If I'm at a hotel I prefer the side of the bed that is farthest from the door..I think. But again depending on how I'm feeling I could end up in some position that,allows me to stare at  the door..to make sure no one co.we in..No one can get me..

  Think when I was  younger I may have tended to try to  sleep close to the wall...

Ugh I just don't know

Even with someone in the bed with me I try to keep space between us...Morgan  it works but being crowded and hot doesn't work for me
.sleeping with Sarah being the exception but Sarah also knows I'll get up if I  getting to hot..And sleep on the floor..

There is a pattern somewhere in all of this..something I learned a long time ago..a reason why I have to sit and think about if it is ok to not have the bed against the wall...she asked me the question and my immediate thought was it has to be against the wall..because I don't feel safe with it not being like that..second thought was its ok..it can be in the middle of the room..but this second answer bothers me for some reason..I don't know

not doing great

Struggling.....stomach issues. And not eating which can't really happen because am diabetic..so ended up with a crash this evening from not eating anything for lunch..And then got sick after dinner...massive headache...actually talked with t about sitting with emotional pain and not acting on it..I remembered that last night and have been sitting with the awful feelings...still dealing with the feelings...not acting on them but the thoughts don't stop..I'm losing control...I came home my room has been set up to mommy's specifications...My food has been bought for what I can have and not have I guess...My week has been planned out...I wonder if im allowed to think on my own anymore..I'm trying to remember who I am but it's slipping away...the need to be good and obedient..the fight to become good enough...the need to be good enough no matter the cost to us..I am not important..I keep forgetting that..but I come home and am reminded of my place very quickly...  I have no place..I haven't earned a place..  I don't measure up...all these years and I still don't measure up..

New schedule to get used to

Even though my stuff moved home weeks ago I've still been here on Richmond..but today after therapy I'll be going home for the week..I'll come back sometime on Friday and breakthrough Tuesday of next week..but generally that is my new schedule..I have been really anxious and out of sorts...worrying and stressing about going home...it's been on  of those things that's kept getting pushed off until it's become this huge thing in my mind...I have been safe...Just really struggling...I know what to expect going home and I'm trying to prepare myself for the talks and being stared at and told why I need to be better ...do better..I've been racking my brain on how to be better in a couple days..become someone who mommy approves of..I've failed at that again...I've begun obsessing over food again..which has me.nervous...it's been such a long  time since those thoughts have been in my head but mommy is pushing losing weight...And again I return to those old thoughts....I remember how it's all done..And with mommy watching me my paranoia picks up and kicking isn't an option..so it will once again change to food issues...not immediately but I know how I work...something has to be done and if it's not cutting then it's food...but everyone will be so happy when I lose weight..Maybe I'll become a vegetarian again..I don't know...Yes I need control of something...I hate this...but I'm going home now either way...so I better get,used to it nd stop being a crybaby about it...

never enough

Tears started tonight and it took a little bit to calm down...feeling the nee to destroy myself because I'm not good enough...old messages..old tapes playing..sadness drowns me..And I feel as if I am nothing..never enough as I am...go home so all my flaws can be pointed out for my own good...so that my thinking becomes confused and old habits never really go away... am I safe at home? I'm already freaking out..I my need to hand over my razors...I wish I could explain ..honestly explain why it's not ok right now without being told that I should be thankful and happy that I have a place to go..


Is suicide enough
???
Will I be good enough then?

This time skipped the si urges and moved straight to suicidal.....

Fml

Tired

Day 1 begins again... I'm just tired..my mind is tired my bones are tired. The worry increases and its causing fear and paranoia...I can't get myself to go outside today..I'm afraid...

fear of getting better...

my words and thoughts are confusing tonight...im trying to write but my stupid eye is twitching...

i saw anita today...and told her a million times that i wasnt going to talk her..but of course I did...I got her caught up on things an  How I've been doing ..and that I'm managing...it took a little while for the effects of that statement to kinda hit  me...And now I'm afraid of sabotaging myself...afraid that I'll get better and lose the support...I should want to  be better..but the fear  has set in...And I'm afraid.. I can't keep cutting...I'm actively working on not cutting right now and what thought pops up?? Purging...Yeah... one or the other but never both...what is wrong with me?  I'm struggling tonight..looking for an escape...

anxious

last night wasnt a good night for sleep...bad dreams...anxious dreams...my anxiety is up a lot right now..im trying to remember tat it is only saturday..i still havve until monday before going home..but the anxiety is increasing all the same..

broken pieces

besides feeling like crap today i was trying really hard to have a good day...and now all i feel is that i am broken and useless and not needed...a big big fear of mine is not being needed...being reassured that i am needed..anything to let me know that i am somewhat important..somewhat wanted... but mommy got me on the phone while i was walking to the store and i wasnt prepared for her line of questioning..all about me not bein all in sarahs business and that it looks like im taking advantage of her ..that i need to keep work and personal separate...that she doesnt need me..and can live and do things without me around...another attack on being in a relationship and her being uncomfortable..not putting any information anywhere..no talking about it..sharing anything about it...dont i keep enough secrets ?  its been drilled in not to talk about my relationship..so i dont...what else is it that she wants from me.. and my already low self esteem took a massive blow...i immediately started to think and wonder if it was true..i need so much reassurance when it comes to whether or not im wanted...or if im needed or important or doing something right..and for mommy to say that has sent me into no mans land...i feel worthless , hurt..a waste of space..that im not good enough..never good enough...i am not thinking clearly...i feel that i have to prove im needed..that if i do enough i wont be tossed out ..fighting hard to stay safe and not cry anymore ... i guess right now it is hard finding to energy to do anything other than crying or just being silent .. lay down and try to not think anymore .. earlier i ended up taking 2 of the clonzapan and fell asleep..instead of doing anything damaging...but i know where the razors are..my mind has been zeroed in on them since i came back from the store .. i dont know right now really how i am feeling..mixed up ..a mess .. nothing .. nothing

alone

tonite things are rough inside. feeling really isolated and alone...sarah is at her parents....they dont acknowledge me so i am not allowed to go..it has been this way since the beginning but still my feelings end up hurt ...and i worry while she is gone..if she will forget me or sstay there with them...im just sad ... not seeing t is causing feelings of desertion ... like no one is there anymore...scared to be leaving to go home next week..worrying and trying to plan..and just beginning to feel stuck i think..

Yesterday

Thank god yesterday is over with...it was frustrating and anxiety producing and drama from from my roommate and her brother that had me afraid to even have my family there....it was a big mess and then mommy came in and took over and just kept yelling at me about how disgusting my room was...and its like gee when you move things you find stuff underneath...but yeah..it was a hard day...stayed pretty anxious and afraid to leave to kids with her brother threatening to shoot her...and my brother has brought the baby and the kids and I didn't want to put them in danger either...I couldn't make this stuff up If I tried :( .. mommy of course got on me about cleaning and what I was wearing and rushing me to leave and finally I told her I was nervous about leaving the kids and my roommate ( we parted on good terms) ..I don't want to see them hurt in any way...luckily I was able to call Sarah and talk for a few minutes and try to calm down before we went to eat...and I also talked to my future sister in law and she was supportive too ... I have trouble taking on everyone's problems and get so freaked out..and I was already freaking out you know...but my stuff is moved home...I'm happily going to stay with Sarah for this week and to home next Monday ....we went out to dinner and talked and stuff last night...its really nice being able to talk about my day and be asked about my day and know that she wants to know and is listening to me...but I gotta get ready for work..still a bit down but going to get through the day.

anxious

I made the reservation with Wayne today for the uhaul... I'm really leaving...like really leaving....trying to shut down...hide..I feel sick...really sick...scared..Sad...anxious...And the kids have no idea...she hasn't told them...fuck..mommy is becoming repetitive...And I'm getting stressed...I'm struggling to calm down...And stay calm

Frustrated

I'm just frustrated and right now that is not a good thing because I feel like cutting..I'm pissed off at everything.and locked out in the cold which pisses me off even more...I'm mad at Anita and Courtney.. I'm mad that I couldn't get my meds filled ..I'm mad that I'm hungry and stupid but I did get cat food a little bit any way.. I'll figure something out..I guess..I'll have to since I don't have gas money ... I'm just sick of today and I think I'll take the last of the percocets before I do anything incredibly stupid..because my thinking is not good right now..today is just not a good day...

i like this one

happy New year

It's 2016... No I'm not going to right about how the new year means a new me...I'm still the same old me...the date changes nothing...I do want to say though that I wan  this year to be better..And so I have so things I plan to work on...this year is going to  be about getting myself together..becoming more self sufficient..And stable...I think that is the most important thing...becoming more stable..

My mood and feelings leave me so down...And I know Anita told me that the symptoms affect my daily life more than I let on...I try so hard sometimes and just can't manage..    I can't get out of bed..I have no motivation no desire..right now I'm fighting urges to hurt myself...And I'm not sleeping...I really want to sleep..

I guess you can say  I have learned a lot this year..about myself..How I handle things..How I think...I currently feel more broken than whole..but that doesn't take away the lessons..

I'm no longer completely sure why I wanted to write this...I'm feeling a little mixed up right now...Ok a lot mixed up...

urges

The urge has not died..or gone away..I'm struggling to stay safe..I'm struggling to even want to stay safe...give me back the few moments of calm..going to try to sleep a little bit before work..

Oh and yes
.tell the unstable person who can't handle change that moving will mean no more being seen at the clinic...Yeah..that was really smart...

cut

I am a cutter
I'm afraid I'll always be a cutter

I cut tonight and I didn't want to stop
I lost control
I didn't care

Something is wrong...
Why can't I sleep???

I'm tired

My arm stings
These will scar
I want to be upset with myself
But all I find is sadness
A bone weary sadness

Christmas 2015

Merry Christmas world :) 

(My lovely Christmas roses from Sarah) 

I am doing everything I can to keep my mood level...in times of stillness I can feel the sadness at the edges..I feel quiet..I feel lonely but I'm not alone. I'm with Sarah and it has been great...we talk and laugh and well I sleep..I swear I try not to but it just happens!! I may have been a pain in  the butt yesterday because I wanted to open my gifts and kept being told no...you know I can be down right annoying but Sarah kept me in order and distracted..

We did Christmas over the phone with now and everyone..since I wasn't there and mommy sent my box here...I got kitchen stuff from man...gift cards that will be used for a date night ..clothes and bed stuff...Sarah got mg watercolor pencils and a sketchpad and a journal with a unicorn on it. :) definitely going to give the watercolors a try..I have been wanting to paint again  so this is good..oh and I got some movies and other coloring stuff too... I'm happy.. I am..And grateful because I know I,have been borrowing so much money lately and still I got gifts..I wasn't expecting anything at,all but mommy still came through and got me stuff...a stuble hint to lose weight but I know I need to work on my health..And I'm actually going to..I  afraid because of being  sick lately..  I don't want to go back to the hospital..And so that means a couple things..but I'll write more about them later on..today is a happy day right. Movies and relaxing with Sarah today..I made a cake and I'll be making dinner later on...Well a late lunch..And just having another day to ourselves..

I just hate that my mood still over powers me .... :( I may need to talk to Courtney about my mood swings again....blah

a new option

a new option as been brought to my attention in the whole possible homeless situation ... and what i may be able to do....

i was talking to mommy and she actually brought up that i could come home and just commute on the weekend ...something i really had not thought about honestly... i mean when the conversation comes up i do everything i can to avoid having going home as an option...but this time ...this time i may be going home ....short term of course ... to allow for saving and lowering my stress levels ..

te problem is that i have until the 1st of January to find somewhere to go...no other option and im not payin avante any more money for anything..so 1st i need to be out...this is causing me a lot of stress..i cant afford a place on my own because of money and my credit..i cant save because im not making enough money.. lookin for a place and finding a safe place is going to be hard.. the stress of everythin landed me in the hospital and i dont want that again...

pros of going home...
-it will keep my bills low
-i will be able to help courtney with marley
-i wont be alone
- i can come back and forth to richmond
-kai will be going with me
-i will be able to get online
-short term and sarah will keep reminding me of that

cons
-im going home
-ill be around mommy more and that causes fear
-i will have to be careful to keep the anxiety under control
-not feeling that i have as stable a support system
-more dependence on mommy
-afraid i will get comfortable at home

im trying to think this through completely because i need to know what i am getting into ... i can do it..i know that..but am i willing to ? do i want to ? do i really have a choice if i am fighting to prevent homelessness ... i truly want to become more self sufficient...i want to be able to support myself and eventually be able to live with sarah in october...that is the month we picked ... i want to be able to start over with her but to honestly do that i need to be in a better space financially...i need to have some money saved...i need to just be more stable and  in better health and all of that...continue seeing anita and courtney and megan... if i can remember my goals...well i have to set them first..but if i can remember them...remember that this is not forever..that this is not me being a failure..then it could work...it could ...

Well I'm back...

I spent a week in the hospital...from.Tuesday to Saturday because my stomach pains got worse...I was tested for everything possible and they gave me a couple diagnosis... I do not like the mri machine ..it scared me senseless...I had 5 ivs put in because my veins kept blowing out..the shift changes made me anxious..And I still hate wearing socks .even in the hospital..I did talk to Anita while there and Megan too..I forgot to message Courtney..but I'll email her since I need to see her this week anyway...it's so weird coming out of the hospital and being back  in the real world...I missed a whole week of my life..And now I feel a bit out of place..I'm still having some pain and I hate that I didn't get the pain meds filled..trying to manage though...I need  to do some research on ibs and gastritis..find out more about them...have been told I need to lower my stress levels..I'm always stressed! But definite changes need to be made because I am stressed out...

frustrated

Right now I am,just feeling so,frustrated and angry...I'm overwhelmed and tired..I haven't eaten on time today,so let's add in cranky and pissed off to..ugh...so much frustration...Anita was rough and I won't be able to see her weekly for a little bit...stressed out about finding a place to live...gosh I want my own place and its depressing that I can't get one...I don't have the money or the credit to do it...I would ask now but she is to far away..Maybe I need to just look at renting a room somewhere and trying to manage that....I don't know..I'm  tired of thinking and trying to figure things out...mommy finally agreed that it will be to much for me to drive all the way to nias on Christmas day just to turn around and come back...I can't afford it anyway...so no traveling but I'll be with Sarah....right now I'm not even sure I can afford.to mail presents out...I'm a failure..that is what this feels like..the thoughts make me want to  cut I'm trying to be ok and be strong and manage ..there is no time for tears...all I want to do is cry though..but no instead I'll worry and stress and try to figure somethin  out..the outlook is depressing...everything is depressing and I feel so inadequate ..so useless...antia  is right...I am holding on to a lot of anger..I try to hide it but it is always there
.I don't want to become that bitter angry person..I really don't...but I am angry..so very angry...And anger is one emotion I am afraid of...it's one I can't handle..I'm just struggling today and feel like I need to keep my thinking to myself...

I wish

  Wish I could just write and empty my head but my focus is shot...My thoughts are little jumping beans and I don't feel good...I'm really just hoping that I sleep tonight.
.

Maya is a liar and a thief... I am pissed off

what is wrong with me???

Something must be wrong with me..Im  flawed in some way...unfit to live with others..i don't know..I need to find a new place to live by Jan 1...I've been asked to leave and I don't truly understand why..I've talked to her about th  kids stuff and to ask .e..I tell her my schedule..when I ask if she needs help.she says she's got it covered..Ok..so I don't ask...I use the last of my money to go get groceries..did she bother telling me that the fridge is broken? I haven't been here..I try doing something and am asked to leave...where do I have to go? Where can I afford to go?? Just one more thing to add on to the list of things I have to figure out..what am I going to do...And I just keep thinking that I've messed up again....

I don't understand

I'm trying hard to be all positive and upbeat and glad that I have a place to live..but how many times am I going to go to work or leave for a few days without my stuff being taken or gone through?? My few snacks that I keep have been eaten..out of my room..My books are messed up..one of them a present...  didn't leave my stuff out?! What  do I have stickers in my underwear draw..why is my medicine moved? And crumbs all over my freaking bed..My snacks were in the top of the closet...the kids couldn't reach them...what am I supposed  to say? Or do? I have given them tons of stuff and everything gets destroyed..And messed up...but I'm paying to live here and I can't even keep anything here..I'm not hiding money....I don't have anything...yet my stuff is taken bit God forbid I accuse anyone...so yes Im  really upset right now..frustrated..but again I can't rock the boat..I can't upset the place I live right??? I'm supposed to be all happy and thankful but now I'm just pissed off and getting angry...I had kaiya with me..so why was anyone in my stuff?? I'm not happy...I'm thinking it's time to move on...I just wish I could get my own place..I really do..

low

About to get,ready to head to work..we are all over the place and in a really big please leave me alone mood...found out will be going home on Thursday..May be stuck there until Saturday..chaos reigns inside...anxiety picked up  immediately..on edge..she will,have me trapped...And I'll be cut off from online and stuff once I get home...My phone barely even gets a signal at home...been trying not to cry or do anything crazy but can't get a handle on the thoughts...the list of things I have done wrong lately is long..And there will be no  escape from her talks..And we have to keep it together because she knows I can't refuse or fight back if it means no car..or no money for a car...it's a.big set up...we are walk in  into trouble and there is no why that I can see out of it...we are going home alone...the fear is alive .. sadness and depressed and just out of sorts...How well,can,I,be fixed in two days ??? I guess I'll be finding out...How easily can I be broken when I get home..knowing I can't fight back????

giving up

After all this time....I guess if I look at,the big picture..it's been a little less than two months of epic shittiness...And today..I guess that breaking point was reached or whatever..the whole staying positive..being strong...knowing something better is coming ..I just can't believe...I've tried..And now things are just worse I guess..I feel worse...I'm tired...I'm fighting tears today and its a stupid losing battle..I'm stomach has made the past day or so a bit  miserable...not that anyone cares....couldn't handle mommy today and ended up yelling on the phone..And her saying she would not call..but whatever..I don't believe that either..I don't believe anything....I don't even believe anything Im  telling myself..the problem with crying is that once it starts it takes forever to get it to stop..I don't want to cry..I have to go to work later..I need to pull myself together...I have to pull myself together...forget it...I'll cut and worry and make it through the day.

under the surface

Something is bothering me...I'm not sure what it is but it is just getting worse I think...Maybe it is just the holiday and the usual blues and depression that seems to come with it...I don't know..My mind is seeking quiet and solitude...I know we are bringing up and talking about a lot in t lately and maybe I'm not writing enough..talking about my sister and being adopted are such big triggers and both things that are coming up during sessions..a lot of talking about mommy and how things were..And I guess I'm not not doing enough to elevate the feelings...but the sadness is hitting hard today..I know mommy is preparing to go  to nias and I am feeling left out..as everyone will be there and I won't...I'm happy to be spending time with Sarah..And bounce and kaiya I just hate feeling like I'm missing things and not being included...And no one wants me crying on the phone about things anyway...I'm going to need to make sure I'm taking my meds...I realize I haven't taken them today because I feel like bursting into tears right now...I am worrying and stressing out about things..And I just want this to be a good week...I really do..I don't want to be down and struggling and trying to be safe..but my head seems to have other ideas because I'm not quite sure how safe I am feeling..right now...

I'll have to work tomorrow answer..And wed morning and afternoon I'll be baking before work...And Thursday is thanksgiving..Friday, Sat, and Sun will be back and forth between ac Moore and Sarah...

Maybe I just need a good night's sleep..I did finally get my meds refilled...

I'm tired

I don't feel good today and my thoughts are drifting into a negative area..Maybe I am having bad dreams
.I'm tired and cranky and not sleeping..I want to sleep. I'm trying to figure out money ..I'm tired of trying to figure out money ..And car stuff and job stuff..I'm trying but not hard enough...I found a job but not a good enough one..so go get another one..get out of this mess your in and then maybe you van talk about decreasing something...but right now...No..you have to do more..work more..give more..pay more..you have  to fix this...there is no rest..there is no anything...

floating

Floating along...I prolly shouldn't have driven in my current state..My head hurts and I'm.trying to hold it together..And I keep thinking about the picture we worked on yesterday and how hard I'm fighting to get to the logical side..but all I keep thinking is negative things..I try to get out of it and it pulls me back in...there's help ans calm and peace on the other side but it's not accessible to me..nothing is

I can sit quietly and think ..I am thinking fast about things and my thoughts are already going downhill...that accident that wasn't my fault has destroyed everything..My falling  for the scam is just argument worthy for the rest of my life
.I don't know...but now it is being used to remind me that I've messed up..that she will have to bail me out...that I am out of money..that I owe Rob..that I have nothing..that I have to,pay bills..that I,can't say anything to anyone..keep my secrets..lie..pretend...all the things I'm so fucking good at...pretend everything is fine ..I'm useless

you have to calm down....

You know how you accidentally stumble on something and it is as if your entire being reacts to keep something from you? I feel like I need to sleep but I'm not tired am I? I was talking to Amanda but now I feel I'm not making any sense and should just lay down. Something has clicked on and something is desperately trying to get it to turn back off. All I have been thinking about is the no thing, the pouting thing and what triggers it. The more I think about it the more I think about some of my conversations with Kathy and how I ended up feeling like my world was crushed when she told me no on some things and I couldn't process it. I may know that I am asking questions that can not have a true yes answer but that childlike hope is there. There is honesty and a real want for safety in the questions and not being able to have it breaks me in a way. Those feelings/emotions don't grow up and when I find someone that I am attaching to and feel safe with, the questions come. Will you keep me? Can I live with you? Will you adopt me? I promise to be good? I'll do what you say? They are still looking for safety, comfort, parents, love. Being told no makes them angry, manipulative, hurt, sad. There is no big picture, there is a need for immediate gratification and not getting it causes a lack of something. Something didn't develop correctly, and has continued to be unable to develop or fix its self.

ugh ratburgers!!!

Saw Anita today and so I have a few things on my mind right now and I'm feeling a little frustrated because I can't figure them out..as much as I enjoy figuring myself out.sometimes it gets on my nerves because  things aren't just black and white ..there is to much gray area or room for interpretation..I need a clear cut picture and i get frustrated when I don't fit into set categories that make sense..

So Anita had written this kind of two way list of how things play out for me and as I was rewriting it I started thinking more about it and how the describe the different parts..And I felt frustrated because I could look at it and see so clearly how different they are..but I can't see how different events will play out...is it really one or two things that,can change the whole outcome? If I take mommy out or get a handle on my thinking or mot act impulsively would that really give me the time to get to a point of where I can think rationally...Will I get the time it takes for me to calm down and fully freak out safely without acting on anything and make it to the other side where rational thought waits? Why can't it be the same each time? Why  does it have to be different? Why can't I see these things in the moment and change them? I get so caught up in whatever spiral I'm in that I can't get out of it until it is finished..who knows if that will  take to long? Or if I'll do something stupid? Or can't figure out if im seeing or understanding all of my options..I don't want to make ..bad  choices but sometimes I do..And I don't mean to. Some days I,just,don't like the way,I think and see things..it's.not like everyone else..

The second part of it was kind of about how I react to things..which has me wondering what triggers out the pouty more childish part of me and why...I know there are very specific triggers or things going on bit beyond being told no I can't think of what any are..And that frustrates me too...I mean I don't do it around many people..but I know I do it with Kathy and Anita and Courtney and Sarah and Yvonne .. but why..them...why do they get that behavior...what purpose does it serve? What am I getting out of it??

Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

An OK day

Yesterday ended up being an OK day surprisingly... I really need to get on a better schedule with my meds though...my stomach was actually OK yesterday..

Ended up having a night of fun for curvon ..he is doing a great job I'm school..I'm so proud of him.

frustrated

I understand that what's going on with me is going on with me..but I guess the message I got from avante this morning is bothering me...pretty much being told that regardless of what's going on for me I still need to buy stuff for the house..it seems to be ignored that I'm the one buying the household stuff and extra food when there are no food stamps...but I am just feeling that I opened up to her..And now something is weird and different..I was gone for the weekend and come back and she is acting weird..Maybe I'm reading to much into it..Maybe I'm not..I just don't know...My weird feelings haven't been wrong before..so I don't know..I'm laying low and staying out of the way...what I usually do...I really miss having my own space..i  really do...Maybe after I get started with Sarah's hours in January and save a month or so I'll be able to move back to my own place...something...I'm really hoping next year is a better year for me...this year has been so so hard...And there seems to be no relief in sight..Just one of those I'm only needed if I van benefit them in some way...story of my life I guess

I'm just down today..And annoyed at Wayne...because he could help me out but he isn't..so I'll respect his choice..And my plan is to find another job...get some money saved...And get a car and a place to live...those are my current goals...

I talked to,Courtney about my stomach today and yeah as expected she said I need to see Megan and will most likely be referred to a gi doctor to figure out what's wrong with my stomach...the bleeding is not ok...blah more doc appts...

My head is hurting..I'm just going to lay down for a while....I'm trying to escape I know..but i need a break from my brain and thinking and planning...

pressure.....

I'm feeling pressure from all sides....people want and I have nothing to give..I'm all out of everything and I can feel that my thoughts are turning dark from worry and stress..I'm trying so hard not to  ask for money but I have no choice at this point..I need  help but where can I go at this point...

Sick

I feel like crap.. sitting outside of work and I just don't feel good ..stomach issues and nauseous.. and head hurts...I'll talk to Courtney tomorrow and see what she says...I may end up back in the emergency room..this just needs to stop..I'm tired

wtf!!!

You  want to pull out the sex talk now?!?! I tell you I'm having some issues with my stomach and what happened and you bring up sex?! Where was this talk way back when I may have actually needed it?? It's a little late to play concerned parent now..I can't believe she did that..I'm upset and just kinda disbelieving that the conversation happened..Ok maybe she was concerned..but my sex life isn't up for debate..I know what the few risks are with that..And I immediately felt like defending and explaining...uh it's frustrating..And embarrassing..And I feel just like my entire conversation was invalidated..My issues insignificant..And not important..but it could be I'm having sex wrong instead...wtf

anxious

Anxiety is getting the best of me..a lot of thinking today and trying to plan but all I've ended up doing is stressing myself out to the point of crying and accidentally triggered myself watching this movie...My head hurts ..My eyes hurt and I'm no  nearer to figuring anything out...I feel like a failure and am suddenly struggling to figure things out and figure out how I'm going to manage..And what the crap I'm going to do...I'll just keep my anxious feelings to myself and lay back down and think...Maybe no Netflix for a while to get myself calmed down maybe...moving back into isolating...No talking...blaming it on being sick will have to do....

trying to stay ok

I feel like I'm slipping...going down into the dark depths of depression...I'm worrying and stressed ..yesterday was an ok day..saw Anita and it was fine..I kind of isolated when I got home..something is going on with avante but she hasn't told me so I can't do anything to help...so Im just staying to myself...I think the yelling may be getting to me a bit..yesterday I listened to music for a long time...today I don't know what I'll do..but my thoughts are stressed and worried...I'm frustrated that I can't find my drink mixes...I left them on my dresser..I come home and they can't be found...I'm very careful to not accuse the kids but yeah..I'm pissed off...I am reminded that I need to hide my stuff to prevent anyone from messing with it..or it walking away from my room and no one knows what happened to it...  can't afford to be going back to the store..I don't have the money...so I'm frustrated with it...it's little stuff you know..but I don't say anything...And the little stuff becomes bigger..sigh...Maybe I'm over reacting..I don't know..I'm  Just bothered...And it makes me miss having my own place and my own space..And sadly I'm worse off now than I was before...And   I don't know...I'm tired..I'm feeling weighed down..bogged down with life..checking my bank account did not help how I'm feeling ...what in the hell am I going to do?? That's all I can think...is what am I going to do...

less.heightened emotions

I did sleep last night...I'm just thinking so Much and nothing I can do...save up..start over..I did file complaints with the federal trade commission..And eBay...My sister called the same ad I did and was sent the exact same message I got..so yeah..scammed...things aren't so heightened today..Just so down..And feel so helpless and hopeless...but all I can do is start over and try to manage with the rental....for now...

not thinking clearly

I really just want to take my meds and go to sleep...I'm tired..My head hurts...I can't begin to figure this out..And I'm looking at the future and see nothing...No way out and I'm sick of all of it...  don't have the energy to pretend right now..I don't have the energy  to talk ..I'm scared I'm going to loss my jobs because of no transportation..I'm worrying and freaking out and I see no hope anywhere..I just want to get in the car and drive away
.I didn't see Courtney today so I'm out of half my meds..which doesn't help my thoughts any at all...My thinking Just gets worse and I see how way to turn it off...I'm waiting to tell mommy because I can imagine how that conversation will go..I need to pay bills and I can't.but if I don't I'll lose my stuff in storage..I don't know anyone who wants to drive me around to get to work...I'm stuck..in so many ways right now..

I've been hiding today...crying..hiding..thinking...I told nia I give up..And I do

I lost

I gambled and lost...I trusted and was lied to and now I have no idea how to pick up the pieces...I suck at life..And I see no way out..I was so happy..so excited..I missed the signs..And now I will pay for it...I'm just stupid and I'm trying hard not to do anything bit the need to pull away ..hide...ignore everything and everyone pulls at me..I can't deal right now..I just cant..And I don't want to anymore...I'm tired of trying

.of trusting...of believing that things will get better...all I want to do is just go away...I don't think I'll go to see Courtney tomorrow..I'll ask Jane to get her to call me...I can't face anyone right now...

update

Its been a while since ive written..a lot has been going on..both with me and with the kids at home...bullying and meetings and pulling the 11 yr old out of school for safety reasons..ive been helping her mom out as much as I can and going to some of the meetings to kind of speak for the 11 yr old...my schooling comes in handy at times …. the meeting we went to last week..the guy found out what my degree was in and he asked me to apply for a job with them...if only I hadnt screwed things up and what not with my background stuff...but that has happened and is in the past now..i have to move on...its on my record and nothing will change that and so I have to wait that one out....im learning its not the end of the world...but it does make things a little bit difficult..but im learning to manage...and now I have two jobs...one at ac moore that I really like which surprises me...talking to people and stuff...and then I have the one with sarah now that is really cool actually...i mean im helping her and spending time at her house and now there is a pay check involved...for the weekend anyway..i would come over and spend time with her anyway you know..and I do...shoot I still prefer hanging out at her house lol...i do feel a little guilty though...working for her and being engaged...i know ppl do it all the time ..and I guess its just one of those things that is what it is..but still...im just trying to get used to it...

but back to other stuff...the accident has really screwed things up...i have a car that im working on getting..and I think the stress is beginning to affect me physically..something is wrong with my stomach and or lower regions and I dont know why..and im worried..and scared ill end up in the hospital as they try to figure out whats going on..i dont want to be in the hospital...i dont want to have something looking inside my stomach...ive never had ulcers or anything like that before...and suddenly im all stressed and worried non stop for weeks and other physical symptoms start popping up and I dont know why...im still having headaches...daily headaches actually that dont really go away..its tiring and hurts and I hate them..even now I have a major headache and it sucks...

but yes I have found a car...i am still waiting on the check from the insurance so that I can pay for it...the car is going to be shipped to me...and the payment will be through ebay..no meeting weird people alone or trying to decide if im going to be kidnapped and killed or something...yes my mind works like that and ive seen way to many movies and read way to many news stories about things happening to people...and it would involve a crap load of cash so yeah..this does make me feel more comfortable at least....but if all things work out I will have a car soon...like within days..i have to get the payment sent which I will do as soon as I am able to get the check cashed....that is a big stress reliever on one hand but on the other I have mommy who is back to putting the pressure on relating to money and holidays and so the holiday stress and obligations are beginning and it gives me a headache...everything gives me a headache lately..there is no let up in the stress and things are just really hard a lot of days...

I got a light session with anita this week..but no I have some things we need to talk about next week...i need some closure on the mommy thing or I need to at least explain to her that it made me very paranoid and scared....i still want to talk about the lotus of control thing...i may write about that on facebook and see what others have learned about it...i know I have heard about it but I dont really remember where I heard it..and that irks me majorly...

things are a little messy in my head ...no cutting or suicidal thoughts ..just kinda down...worried....planning and thinking and trying...im trying so hard and then I talk to mommy and it all goes down the drain and I feel like I cant do anything right ...and that nothing is enough...she yelled at me about not sending her a birthday card..honestly I didnt even think about a birthday card..i truly didnt ...i called her on her birthday..but as soon as she found out I would send her money oh everything was fine then...but will I send her enough? Will she call and ask for more? I have to send nia and rob some money...i need shoes and a jacket and maybe if im really lucky I can get an actual bedset...im hoping ill be able to get my new glasses at some point in the near future … who knows...and now I have presents and planning to do...as I said the headaches never stop...i need to get my meds filled and I see courtney tomorrow so maybe that will help...ive been taking them..sorta...ugh...i cant seem to get out of overload these days...its becoming the norm..and it bites...but I better do what I came to do..before I run out of time...

a struggle today

Today has not been a good day...I made some very not good choices..I cut my leg this morning out of anger..And being  overwhelmed...I did bandage it at least.. it's sore....And walking hurts a little bit...I'm trying to remember if I took my meds this morning...I think I did..the morphine from yesterday kicked in this afternoon and knocked me out..I was hazy and had no idea where in the heck I was..And I was only in bed...I was a mess.this afternoon..Well later this afternoon..

Mommy got to me both yesterday and  today but it was this morning that it was to much...  I was stressing about my car an  talking to the insurance guy and money and  a million other things and she calls to yell at me about a stupid gofundme page..told me I made her look bad...that i was begging..that no one needed to know if I was struggling...on and on she went..I told her that I am working my butt off with my head hurting every single time because I am trying hard not to have to ask for money..I'm trying to jungle an almost minimum wage job against bills and life and meds and the outlook is depressing..I'm trying and all I get from her is that it's not enough..if I sound ok  on the phone  .Ok I guess Im  going to work..if i don't sound ok..go to the hospital and then go to work..there is no stopping..No giving in...giving up is failure..suck it up and move on..

How it goes from 0 to 100 with her...
The cycle begins slowly enough...the accident happened...I called nia and not mommy because I didn't want to deal with all  the questions right from the start from mommy..I kept her updated and she updated mommy..I called mommy after I got to the hospital..let her know what happened and that I was ok..she asked some questions but I told her my head was hurting and I would talk to her later..she asked me to call her when I got home that night..I called  her when I got home...she called me the next day numerous times asking how I was and asking about my insurance stuff..what to say and what not to  say..I started getting headache  And she pushes  going to the hospital...I went and was told I had a concussion...the numerous calls kept coming but they slowly began to focus more on insurance stuff..money..the deductibles..who I was talking  to..was I calling enough..if i complained of not feeling well she mentioned the hospital..told me to get a lawyer..to have a doctor trail that something is wrong..that she would talk to a family member and let me know exactly what I needed to do...on my days off I was sleeping a lot..And she didn't like that.. she told me I needed to keep calling the insurance people..she told me she didn't like how I was doing things..she told me that I would lose my car and have nothing and no one would be able to help me...that conversation got me to start questioning myself..what,was I doing wrong? What hadn't I done? I had called and left messages..  was becoming afraid that mommy was right .. that some decisions  was going to be made and it would be a bad one and it would be my fault for not trying harder..I began to tell myself that I was mess in  up..that this was my fault.the accident..that I was  going  to lose my car and my job..that even though I'm not feeling good I have to keep going to work..  have to keep trying to do something right in the midst of so much wrong...I started thinking about cutting..wanting it..needing it..I finally got in touch with one insurance person only to be told my case was  transferred...I got the information for the new person and began calling him..the not  I couldn't get him on the phone..the more paranoid I got..I was stressing myself out worrying about the rental..about work...about if I would have to drive home..what would happen..And having to go  back an  forth to the doc because of the headaches...the more I couldn't get answers the more worked up I began..And the more negative I got ..until I was feeling suicidal..until.  I was tired of fighting with myself and tired of listening to mommy and tired of insurance and worry and not knowing what was going on...I finally talked to the right adjuster just to  be told that my car was considered a total loss..And that some one else would be calling me..i  didn't want to tell mommy that because I felt like what she said would happen..had happened...I messed up... i ruined my car..And now I had nothing..I was at work when I got that information and spent the whole shift thinking of a way to get one of the box cutters and cut my arms and wrists...I wasn't able to do that...instead I came home and found the dilaudid..And suffered for a couple hours after taking it because it makes my chest hurt so much..but I took it anyway it made me unable to stay awake but the real weirdness happened today..this afternoon ...but this morning mommy again called and yelled at me..this time about the fundraiser thing and I really did just lose it I guess..I started crying and agreeing with everything she said..that I had messed up and made her look bad..And that no one needed to know I was struggling..And all of that..And as I listened and agreed with her..I very calmly planned where I was going to cut...I hung up after she was done ..avante was in the process of leaving and I told her I was fine in some form or fashion..I think I just shook my head and close  the door actually because I was crying..I waited until the house was quiet ..the baby was sleep..I was watching  him...got what I needed..And did what I did and then bandaged it up and put pants on to hide the bandage..I cut until I calmed down pretty much...watch and analyze what I'm doing..not enough..to much..not deep enough..How to tell when the anger is gone...this time I was angry when I cut..which is kind of a don't do that rule...those are worse...those show a lack of control...those show the  absence of pain..because there are more.And they are more likely one top of each other and stuff...it can get messy...but that's pretty much what happens..the cutting has gotten the suicidal thoughts to slow down a little but both are still around..

total loss

My car is a total loss...the cost to repair it is more.than the car is worth ..My car is gone...I tried to see about raising money to help.pay the deductible..I saw nothing wrong with that...I didn't see it as begging...but mommy did..she got me.this mornin about it...it got back to.her that i,was begging. I wasn't begging. I.wasn't..I've taken it down of course...I cut ...instead of killing myself and I'm still thinkin  about cancelling t...I don't want to be seen..I don't want to be anything..I'm trying my hardest and its not enough
.two notes to keep my ass home and I still go to work because it's drilled into me that I have to...sick or not I have to... I just want to not deal right now...I can't deal...I feel so useless and stupid and sad and worthless and so so so not ok

overwhelmed to the point of numbness

I'm so very tired..bad night of sleep..took some morphine...bad idea...I said not to take it again bit last night I was wanton  t  cut so bad that I chose practically giving myself a heart attack ..for whatever reason that shit hurts like a bitxh and I can feel it moving through my system...And so for a couple hours it was suffer central...I didn't ask for help..I didn't deserve it..I managed..I slept like shit though and I still want  to cut..I will...it's just a matter of when at this point...I'll have some alone time this morning...so whatever...I'm stressing ...overwhelmed to the max and frustrated...I found out yesterday that my car is being classed as a total loss...what in the hell am I going to do..because I have  insurance and everything I'll get some settlement for my car but will it be enough to get something else...?  If I can't keep the rental how will I manage to get to work? How will I survive at all at this point??
I have another doctors note to not work..And what am I doing?? Going to work...I have to  work.i told someone last night that me a my concussion are going to work..And have been ..i didn't even truly take off a single day..i got them to switch my day to later in the week..why bother eating when I take Tylenol and aleeve all freaking day long just to manage and that's at the bare minimum...the headaches kill me..but I have no  choice. I have to keep an income coming in..No matter how small...these days I feel like crap..medically I feel like crap...emotionally I am incredibly suicidal...I don't have the energy to go through this again...I really really don't..And giving up just begins to look better and better and better..because I see no,,way out..I'm working and its not enough...in mommy's eyes I'm not doing enough and I  not doing it right..let's ignore that most days I don't feel good anymore..but again I  am a failure..I ruined my car..I should have moved more..or left work earlier or something..this is my fault..And I can't even fix it.. and there is no more borrowing money for a car..there is nothing...nothing at all..I'm just done..

hurting

 ..I'm once again writing this and trying not to cry...My head hurts so much..I just got this job..I can't call out..again already.. I came home last night and crashed..cried on the phone with my sister my head was hurting and I didn't know what to do...I woke up an  my head  hurts..I just want to sleep..I'm only taking my regular meds and some aleeeve..something heavy or that I shouldn't have..mommy is pushing for me to go back to the hospital..  don't wan  to though :(  it just hurts so much. I don't know what to do...I have to work..I have  to get the money for my car..I don't have any options. I don't know

Mommy is pushing for so much right now and my head can't handle it..insurance and lawyers and cars and it just makes my head go in circles

I'm just tired...so so tired

very angry tonight

Everything seems to be getting to me today..everything....sing  I heard about my car...And maybe that is affecting other stuff..I don't know...but I think I've ended up pissing everyone off..And it just pisses me off even more...currently I'm just up thinking about my car...My situation..My life..My lack of a life...My joke of a life and I want to end it..silly little argument with avante over the kids being in my shit...hello this is nothing new..and she knows that. She knows they are in my room and take my stuff out...she knows I find my stuff all over this house and I leave my stuff in my room...but she picks tonight t  want to tell me to speak to,her children in front  of her...Ok then..whatever..I'm the one with shit missing...with shit broken...with shit lost...stuff I came here with is gone...My mugs..My knick knacks..My magnets..stuff out of my room...gone or broken..but I say nothing...How many nights have I come in and my chargers are out of my room? And I have to ask for them back..My stuff...they didn't ask for it..or to use it.No they wait until I'm gone to come and get things and then can't find them...I told her I didn't want them messing with my movies because one of my cases is already lost....but still they are being taken out of my room when I'm not here...but again I don't say anything...I let it go..but I'm wrong in this to right...because I'm here I'm freely supposed to allow all of my stuff to be ruined to be destroyed...Yeah..My hand is forced ..because I have no wear to go...And so,silence is my friend ..hiding is my friend..I have nothing anyway...why pretend otherwise..

worry

I'm going to write some because I can tell that,I'm getting angry and. I Don't know why..I started to get anxious at work..reminding myself I didn't take any meds this morning..great...No...left work and its pouring rain and mg lights aren't the best so my anxiety just spiked..I was scared..I couldn't see..I was afraid of getting into an accident..I made it home and still it was pouring  And I was locked out which did not help my mood any...so then I was in I don't want to talk to anyone mode..came in..took meds and laid down...kaiya decide tto have litter box issues tonight so I ended up cleaning her and the litter box out..And now I'm laying here..unable to sleep and just getting more and more angry..I know I'm stressing about stuff...And my eating is all weird and all I want to eat is sugary stuff..cakes and cookies and candy..I'm tryin  to do a good job at work but my need for reassurance is already popping up and it has been like 2 shifts..I'm worrying myself to death with everything

trapped

I'm feeling quiet..tired..a bit worn out with things I guess.Maybe it's the depression...I spent pretty much all of yesterday in bed sleep or just lay in  down. I did go to the store and sort of cook dinner..And then that was the extent of my energy it seems
 My first day at work was hard..it was restock day pretty much..first day and I got to spend it looking for where all this stuff goes.
I tried to keep a positive attitude..but it got harder when I couldn't find things..And had  to keep asking for help..I of course didn't have snacks and so I knew when I started to get cranky and frustrated  that my sugar,was low..but I didn't want to make a big deal about it because there is a young girl there with diabetes and her  sugar dropped during the shift and everyone was focused on helping her and so I didn't need to make a big deal about it. When I get some money next week ..I'll buy so stuff to take for lunch well snacks since I don't really get a lunch..I'm hoping my hours stay the same each week though. That would be nice. If I can just snag another day..but we will see how all that goes...

Sarah is out of the hospital..she got out on Wed...I'm glad she is out..she still may end up going to the crisis unit..but won't know that until next week...which has me thinking a mile a minute about everything and nothing...I'm just off..Just waiting...I did let her know I won't be comin  over when anetras there..didn't realize it was bothering me so much until she asked ..but it is bothering me...Sarah going  away is bothering me...but  it's not my choice is it..im supportive...but I have no answers..And that bothers me to.

I'm trapped in my head today....really really trapped

My thoughts move backwards

Sadness engulfs me...fear...tears...not understanding...guilt...I think and think..I don't sleep because I'm thinking.trying to figure out I don't know what..I'm lost and my thoughts become so convincing...No point in not cutting if it will keep me calm...May as well..bad bad dreams..pain..death...rape..torture..violence..I keep ending up in bad situations...I'm sick of slee

empty

Right now I'm feeling so empty and alone...And stuck I guess..  want to be ok for Sarah..And she has my full support and I'm so proud of her for getting help and calling her docs and going to the hospital...but at the same time I feel useless and alone...I know she needs to figure out what's going on and get a handle on it...but I feel as if I've been left on my own..And its making me just want to shut down..  don't want to talk to anyone..or do anything...  don't know when she will be able to call me or when she will be out...I am mad and jealous..I tried everything I could to help while i  was there and it wasn't enough ..And it makes me feel like I didn't try hard enough..I didn't care enough..I failed..And now she is in the hospital..the jealousy is coming from the fact that she is in the hospital..that she can go to the hospital or crisis program and get help or get a break..but I'm not allowed to do that..personal rules... I guess...And I can't afford to do it anyway...And mommy would kill me herself...Yes those are the reasons ..Well some of them anyway for avoiding the hospital..things aren't that  bad for me..I'm only thinking of killing myself a little bit this week..so that means this week is acceptable..there is a major need to hide my thoughts..pretend I'm ok...as I usually do..otherwise I'll just be stupid and not stop crying...she is safe and I'm happy for that. I truly am...I'm just wondering how safe I am...the thoughts weigh heavily on my head ...another night of no sleep..not even with the medicine..I just stay up and think...but maybe today I'll just sleep..I'm not to sure about managing today safely..

life waits for no one

My brain is sluggish bit I feel like. a lot is on my mind right now so worrying it is...I'm back on my meds..  saw my doc today and i actually let her know that I was off of one of them and because my blood pressure was so good today she said that we are going to hold off on the one I'm not taking..And see how my blood pressure does..I have to go back in to have it checked in a couple weeks..but everything overall was ok...got my usual lab work done, and depo shot and flu shot today..to say my arms are killing me is putting it lightly...I'm feeling. A bit miserable actually..My weight is the same though...for three months I say that is good but I told mommy and got the you can do better speech and so immediately felt bad but I'm to tired to take it out on myself today..I'm just down. I had to take off my shirt at the doc to have her  look at my back...embarrassing..but I needed her to see..she sent in a cream..Maybe Sarah can put it on my back  for me...

I talked to Sarah the other day about somethings and we had some time together and it was a much needed release...I'm just stills  struggling so much to accept that sex is a release and that it's ok to like it and want it and maybe even need it. I can't get there as often as I like and so it hard  ..And I get stuck and act on things negatively..I don't mean too

Things with Anita are rough..Well rough territory..scary territory...

I may have a part tome job...at ac moore...I  waiting for my background check...And then ill know when I can start...it's something..I'll be able to live..it's going to be tight..but I'll manage..somehow I'll manage.

Secrets

My whole life is made up of secrets..keeping them..protecting them?!hiding them...when do I bet to stop keeping them.Anita is slowly learning my secrets..and she will hate me too.I'm trying to push people away..I don't know what I want..right now I'm sorry I exist and I'm wishing mommy had gone through with what she threatened all those years ago...why couldn't she have just killed me then..and it wouldn't have mattered..