I started this blog back when I was in college (2002 era). It is now 2017. I am still alive, I am still living, I am still dreaming of better days.
I can honestly say that 2017 is not a year that I ever thought i would see. Yet, here I am. I am more stable than I have been in years in terms of like what i need to survive. I have a stable job, I have a place to live, I have Sarah who loves me, I have Kai and Gizmo, I can afford food, I can pay the bills, I have money for fun things. In other words.. STABLE.. something that i have strived for, and gave up on numerous times. It has happened though, I dont feel like I have to worry about what is going to happen tomorrow (not as often anyway).
I have begun to take care of my physical health more and my mental health more, both are very up and down. I am seeing a lot of doctors to put it nicely. Some days i want to be healthy and feel better, and some days i end up so frustrated that I want to give up and cave in and hide forever. Again, I am alive and well. It baffles me every single day that somehow i keep managing and pushing forward. I still tend to get trapped in negative thinking, and all or nothing thinking. I am very hard and judgemental towards myself which continues to cause problems. I am in therapy and on new medications and so I am getting back to more neutral ground. Earlier this year I stopped my medication with the med doctors approval of course to kind of figure out how I am with out the medication. It was not pretty. So I am back on medication and back in therapy and just kinda keeping myself on track a bit more.
For some reason I have been thinking a lot lately about how different things are now. I do things I never thought I would do. Fear still ruins a lot of stuff but not everything. I am about to start a new class which will open up some new job opportunities. Im planning trips, Im going to be taking care of one of my nephews all summer. Things are moving along you know.
For as much as things have changed, some things still stay the same. I still read a lot and write a lot. I color and do a lot of creative things when my mood allows it. I play a lot of online games and still sleep like it is a full time job. Im engaged too :) There are plans to apply and move to Canada but that is a very expensive thing to do!! I like going to the movies a lot, i still watch cartoons a lot, i like cooking, and finding new recipes, bread is my favorite food group. I am still a very solitary person but sometimes i do manage a group activity. I hate cleaning on a regular basis and I have begun to use essential oils. I am planning to get a tattoo for my birthday.
No I am not a scared 18 year old anymore. Now Im a scared 33 year old lol. Really though life has been cruel and unforgiving and hard, but I have found love, laughter, happiness and new adventures. I can say this and smile and know that maybe the years in front of me wont hold the same tears and heartache of years behind me.
Yep totally writing this in April lol. Just pretend I wrote it in January 2017!
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