30 day Self harm challenge
1. How long have you been self harming? Discuss why you
I have been self harming (cutting, burning) since I was 16 or 17. I'm turning 29 on Friday. So feel free to do the math, it has been a long long time. I started doing it because i was just wanting to show that no one else could hurt me more than i could hurt myself. I started to enjoy the numbness, the ability to just go away when cutting, the ability to escape from what was hurting me just for a few minutes. I wanted the release, I wanted the pain because yes the physical pain stops eventually, its the mental pain that is never ending and so so tiresome.
2. What part of your body is most affected by it?
I have been thinking about this and at first i was going to say my arms are the most affected. My upper arms are covered in scars on top of more scars. But most of the ones on my arms can be hidden easily. So ive changed my mind. The part most affected is my chest. somehow i thought that i would never ever have a need to wear anything that showed anything near my chest at all. I am older now and things change, styles change, a lot of clothing shows the scars on my chest and i am embarrassed by them. Most people don't comment on them and its not that there is a lot of them. It is just that i have numerous and obvious scars on my chest and sometimes my shirt cant hide them.
3. What is your motivation to recover?
Why do I want to recover? What is my motivation? Im tired. Im tired of the hiding, the shame the guilt. Im tired of hurting both inside and outside. I am trying hard to fight the urges and it is a continuous battle but trying hard to keep taking it a day at a time.
4. Do you consider yourself “addicted”? why or why not?
I have cut and burned and in general hurt myself for a really long time. I would say that i was addicted. I wanted to do it. I wanted the escape that cutting gave me. I wanted the calm that came after cutting. It gave me the ability to calm down in some warped way. It was my go to method for everything, every hurt, every emotion, every hurt feeling. Hurting myself was my way to show that i wanted someone to notice although hiding it was also very important. Even now when I am working hard to contain and manage the urges without acting on them, it is still the first thing that comes to mind when i am feeling upset or overwhelmed. The difference now i think is that i am willing to ask for help and support when i am struggling... where as before I would just hide and continue on the downward spiral until I lost control..
5. What part of self harm do you dislike the most?
I would have to say that the hiding was the most disliked part. I mean the scars arent stellar or anything but its the hiding that brings the shame. The scars are just scars.
6. What about it do you enjoy?
How it had the ability to just remove me from whatever was overwhelming me, scaring me, frustrating me..it was my way of finding a little bit of peace and quiet in the middle of major chaos
7. list 10 activities that help you calm down.
1. journaling, 2. chatting online, 3. writing on message boards/facebook, 4. coloring, 5. collaging, 6. watching cartoons or a funny movie 7. meds (taken correctly), 8. sleep, 9. my bears, 10. ice cream lol
8. What the most supportive thing anyone has said to you about self harm?
The most supportive thing...a friend told me recently " your body is not ruined. you're a goddamn tiger who earned her stripes. "
9. Have you ever taken pictures of your wounds? Discuss.
Usually I try hard to avoid showing them at all. Lately though I am trying to accept them for what they are and that they are just scars. Im slowly starting to wear things that dont hide them completely. my first major event of this will be in a couple weeks on vacation. Im terrified that I will be stared at and made fun of or something, but no one there knows me except my friend and she already told me that i could wear what made me comfortable. I think i will keep those pics private though for now. But i am packing my bathing suits and my sleeveless shirts and stuff. a major major step.
But as for just taking pictures of my scars..hmm not often..i can see them every day. i dont need any more reminders..
10. How do you feel about your scars?
I have a huge range of feelings about my scars..most of the time i just dont notice them. lately though i am trying to accept them for what they are. they are scars from a behavior. they do not make or break me.
11. Strangest place (school, park, etc) you’ve ever injured yourself?
Ive cut in the middle of a crowded classroom, ive cut at work, when i was majorly cutting i didnt really care where i did it since i carried something with me at all times anyway. funny how no one noticed what i was doing.
12. Where do you keep your ‘tools’? (Your room, in a box, disposed of them?)
Before I normally had a razor in my back pocket all the time, or in my bag. ive had a bunch of different tools and sometimes i just kept them in my room in a draw or something. in a box or a small bag. i have handed over my tools maybe 3 or 4 times though in efforts to stop.. now though i keep the few i do have in the bathroom away from sight. that way if i want them i know im gonna have to look for the darn things.
13. What is the biggest realization about self harm you’ve had?
It has taken me a long long time to realize that the self harm is a behavior. its not who i am. It is covering up a lot of hurt and pain and sadness.
14. Is there anyone you consider to be an inspiration in your recovery?
Just knowing that there are people who have managed to stop for long periods of time is an inspiration to me. Anyone working to stop is an inspiration because i know how hard it is to fight the urges, to deal with wanting it and hating it at the same time. It is not easy, but if you can just get through the urges then you are half way there.
15. Do you visit any websites about self harm? If so, what are they?
Seeing pictures of actual self harm is a really big trigger for me, so i do tend to avoid self harm sites. I have found some recovery groups on face book and stuff and mostly i just look at the positive pictures and quotes and stuff. I find that to be helpful more than anything else. I still have a hard time admitting and owning up to the self harm.
16. What advice would you give to someone about self harm?
Ask for help, and dont be ashamed. you dont self harm because its fun, you self harm because you are hurting and hiding and you need to find your voice.
17. Do you know anyone else who injures themselves?
The funny thing is that as supposedly widespread as self harm is, i do not know many people who actually do it. I have met maybe 5 or so people who have self harmed before. It helps me feel less alone but at the same time it is hard knowing that there are still underlying issues driving the self harm.
18. Write a letter to the future (recovered) you.
Write a letter?? nah Ill write a note my attention comes and goes lol..
To my future self,
You are still alive for a reason, dont waste it.
From well me
19. List 5 reasons that recovery is worth it
1. because i dont deserve to hurt, 2. because i matter, 3. because im tired of hurting, 4. because there is more to life than pain and hiding, 5. because accepting the scars and the behaviors will help me move past them.
20. What is the most vivid memory you have of self harm?.
I remember most vividly i guess my burning episodes. Those took planning, and were incredibly intentional.. I also have more memories of cutting my wrist because those i see and have to notice. I dont like thinking about the burning though.
21. Have you tried to stop in the past?
I have tried to stop so many times, each time it lasted for a various amount of time. I think the longest i have gone has been 3 or 4 months. Right now I believe i am at 2 months free of self harm. I think this is the hardest i have tried to really stop. all the people talking to me and supporting me are finally getting through to me i guess.
22. Where do you feel the most calm?
Surprisingly I am most calm out in the woods. Some of my happiest times was when i worked in the outdoor program and went hiking for days at a time. Just the peace and quiet of the woods, I was able to relax and think and just be in the moment. I actually miss it. Just sitting on the beach in the evening is also pretty calming for me.
23. What is your favorite inspirational quote?“ (love quotes lol)
I thank whatever gods may be, for my unconquerable soul. I am the master of my fate; I am the captain of my soul.
“Sometimes fate is like a small sand-storm that keeps changing directions. You change direction, but the sand-storm chases you. You turn again, but the storm adjusts. Over and over you play this out, like some ominous dance with death just before death. Why? Because this storm isn't something that has nothing to do with you. This storm is you.”
― Haruki Murakami, Kafka on the Shor
"If just one person believes in you. Deep enough and strong enough. Believes in you hard enough and long enough. Before you knew it, someone else would think, "If he can do it, I can do it" Making it two. Two whole people who believe in you. And maybe even you can begin to believe in you too." by Robin and The Muppet Gang
24. What are some of your main triggers? Why?.
Feeling overwhelmed, to many emotions at once
Feeling scared
Feeling numb
sometimes reading something or seeing specific things about abuse on tv are a trigger
Things that are talking about s/i (movies, tv shows)
any talk of abuse (emotional, physical, sexual)
25. Do you know any statistics about self harm?
I know its more common than i tend to think it is. We are just all good at hiding it lol
26. What is something that makes you the most happy?
Spending time with kids makes me happy, my cats make me happy :)
27. Discuss any and all progress you have made.
I have not cut since 7/22/12, i dont think i will ever forget that date due to what happened. Asking for support and all of that when the urge is to strong to ignore.
28. What short-term goals do you have?
Right now my goal is to just work hard in therapy and to keep resisting the urges to cut. I am feeling more stable these days and it is a little easier to get through the urges. I think I am asking for help more though, actually using my voice instead of just wishing everyone could read my mind and hear my cries.
29. Do you follow any self-harm blogs?
No, I mean i have my blog but i dont even follow it lol. i just write to get my thoughts out. Im not really as much on top of reading others blogs. I do offer support and things on different message boards and on facebook.
30. Post your favorite picture of yourself and write a positive message to look back.
this is one of my fav pictures of myself. I would tell myself that i am ok. that it will be ok and not to give up. :)
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