update

Its been a while since ive written..a lot has been going on..both with me and with the kids at home...bullying and meetings and pulling the 11 yr old out of school for safety reasons..ive been helping her mom out as much as I can and going to some of the meetings to kind of speak for the 11 yr old...my schooling comes in handy at times …. the meeting we went to last week..the guy found out what my degree was in and he asked me to apply for a job with them...if only I hadnt screwed things up and what not with my background stuff...but that has happened and is in the past now..i have to move on...its on my record and nothing will change that and so I have to wait that one out....im learning its not the end of the world...but it does make things a little bit difficult..but im learning to manage...and now I have two jobs...one at ac moore that I really like which surprises me...talking to people and stuff...and then I have the one with sarah now that is really cool actually...i mean im helping her and spending time at her house and now there is a pay check involved...for the weekend anyway..i would come over and spend time with her anyway you know..and I do...shoot I still prefer hanging out at her house lol...i do feel a little guilty though...working for her and being engaged...i know ppl do it all the time ..and I guess its just one of those things that is what it is..but still...im just trying to get used to it...

but back to other stuff...the accident has really screwed things up...i have a car that im working on getting..and I think the stress is beginning to affect me physically..something is wrong with my stomach and or lower regions and I dont know why..and im worried..and scared ill end up in the hospital as they try to figure out whats going on..i dont want to be in the hospital...i dont want to have something looking inside my stomach...ive never had ulcers or anything like that before...and suddenly im all stressed and worried non stop for weeks and other physical symptoms start popping up and I dont know why...im still having headaches...daily headaches actually that dont really go away..its tiring and hurts and I hate them..even now I have a major headache and it sucks...

but yes I have found a car...i am still waiting on the check from the insurance so that I can pay for it...the car is going to be shipped to me...and the payment will be through ebay..no meeting weird people alone or trying to decide if im going to be kidnapped and killed or something...yes my mind works like that and ive seen way to many movies and read way to many news stories about things happening to people...and it would involve a crap load of cash so yeah..this does make me feel more comfortable at least....but if all things work out I will have a car soon...like within days..i have to get the payment sent which I will do as soon as I am able to get the check cashed....that is a big stress reliever on one hand but on the other I have mommy who is back to putting the pressure on relating to money and holidays and so the holiday stress and obligations are beginning and it gives me a headache...everything gives me a headache lately..there is no let up in the stress and things are just really hard a lot of days...

I got a light session with anita this week..but no I have some things we need to talk about next week...i need some closure on the mommy thing or I need to at least explain to her that it made me very paranoid and scared....i still want to talk about the lotus of control thing...i may write about that on facebook and see what others have learned about it...i know I have heard about it but I dont really remember where I heard it..and that irks me majorly...

things are a little messy in my head ...no cutting or suicidal thoughts ..just kinda down...worried....planning and thinking and trying...im trying so hard and then I talk to mommy and it all goes down the drain and I feel like I cant do anything right ...and that nothing is enough...she yelled at me about not sending her a birthday card..honestly I didnt even think about a birthday card..i truly didnt ...i called her on her birthday..but as soon as she found out I would send her money oh everything was fine then...but will I send her enough? Will she call and ask for more? I have to send nia and rob some money...i need shoes and a jacket and maybe if im really lucky I can get an actual bedset...im hoping ill be able to get my new glasses at some point in the near future … who knows...and now I have presents and planning to do...as I said the headaches never stop...i need to get my meds filled and I see courtney tomorrow so maybe that will help...ive been taking them..sorta...ugh...i cant seem to get out of overload these days...its becoming the norm..and it bites...but I better do what I came to do..before I run out of time...