Today has not been a good day...I made some very not good choices..I cut my leg this morning out of anger..And being overwhelmed...I did bandage it at least.. it's sore....And walking hurts a little bit...I'm trying to remember if I took my meds this morning...I think I did..the morphine from yesterday kicked in this afternoon and knocked me out..I was hazy and had no idea where in the heck I was..And I was only in bed...I was a mess.this afternoon..Well later this afternoon..
Mommy got to me both yesterday and today but it was this morning that it was to much... I was stressing about my car an talking to the insurance guy and money and a million other things and she calls to yell at me about a stupid gofundme page..told me I made her look bad...that i was begging..that no one needed to know if I was struggling...on and on she went..I told her that I am working my butt off with my head hurting every single time because I am trying hard not to have to ask for money..I'm trying to jungle an almost minimum wage job against bills and life and meds and the outlook is depressing..I'm trying and all I get from her is that it's not enough..if I sound ok on the phone .Ok I guess Im going to work..if i don't sound ok..go to the hospital and then go to work..there is no stopping..No giving in...giving up is failure..suck it up and move on..
How it goes from 0 to 100 with her...
The cycle begins slowly enough...the accident happened...I called nia and not mommy because I didn't want to deal with all the questions right from the start from mommy..I kept her updated and she updated mommy..I called mommy after I got to the hospital..let her know what happened and that I was ok..she asked some questions but I told her my head was hurting and I would talk to her later..she asked me to call her when I got home that night..I called her when I got home...she called me the next day numerous times asking how I was and asking about my insurance stuff..what to say and what not to say..I started getting headache And she pushes going to the hospital...I went and was told I had a concussion...the numerous calls kept coming but they slowly began to focus more on insurance stuff..money..the deductibles..who I was talking to..was I calling enough..if i complained of not feeling well she mentioned the hospital..told me to get a lawyer..to have a doctor trail that something is wrong..that she would talk to a family member and let me know exactly what I needed to do...on my days off I was sleeping a lot..And she didn't like that.. she told me I needed to keep calling the insurance people..she told me she didn't like how I was doing things..she told me that I would lose my car and have nothing and no one would be able to help me...that conversation got me to start questioning myself..what,was I doing wrong? What hadn't I done? I had called and left messages.. was becoming afraid that mommy was right .. that some decisions was going to be made and it would be a bad one and it would be my fault for not trying harder..I began to tell myself that I was mess in up..that this was my fault.the accident..that I was going to lose my car and my job..that even though I'm not feeling good I have to keep going to work.. have to keep trying to do something right in the midst of so much wrong...I started thinking about cutting..wanting it..needing it..I finally got in touch with one insurance person only to be told my case was transferred...I got the information for the new person and began calling him..the not I couldn't get him on the phone..the more paranoid I got..I was stressing myself out worrying about the rental..about work...about if I would have to drive home..what would happen..And having to go back an forth to the doc because of the headaches...the more I couldn't get answers the more worked up I began..And the more negative I got ..until I was feeling suicidal..until. I was tired of fighting with myself and tired of listening to mommy and tired of insurance and worry and not knowing what was going on...I finally talked to the right adjuster just to be told that my car was considered a total loss..And that some one else would be calling me..i didn't want to tell mommy that because I felt like what she said would happen..had happened...I messed up... i ruined my car..And now I had nothing..I was at work when I got that information and spent the whole shift thinking of a way to get one of the box cutters and cut my arms and wrists...I wasn't able to do that...instead I came home and found the dilaudid..And suffered for a couple hours after taking it because it makes my chest hurt so much..but I took it anyway it made me unable to stay awake but the real weirdness happened today..this afternoon ...but this morning mommy again called and yelled at me..this time about the fundraiser thing and I really did just lose it I guess..I started crying and agreeing with everything she said..that I had messed up and made her look bad..And that no one needed to know I was struggling..And all of that..And as I listened and agreed with her..I very calmly planned where I was going to cut...I hung up after she was done ..avante was in the process of leaving and I told her I was fine in some form or fashion..I think I just shook my head and close the door actually because I was crying..I waited until the house was quiet ..the baby was sleep..I was watching him...got what I needed..And did what I did and then bandaged it up and put pants on to hide the bandage..I cut until I calmed down pretty much...watch and analyze what I'm doing..not enough..to much..not deep enough..How to tell when the anger is gone...this time I was angry when I cut..which is kind of a don't do that rule...those are worse...those show a lack of control...those show the absence of pain..because there are more.And they are more likely one top of each other and stuff...it can get messy...but that's pretty much what happens..the cutting has gotten the suicidal thoughts to slow down a little but both are still around..
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