A day that fills me with fear and dread...I feel so angry..so sad..so hurt..so forgotten... my thoughts are going crazy and I'm fighting to stay present and grounded.
I didn't sleep so great last night...I wake up feeling as if my world has ended... all night I just kept thinking and remembering ... I remember the fear..the threats to leave me and kill me..the hitting and yelling and comparing... but I don't remember love...or nice words..no hugs..I don't remember feeling wanted...or liked..I remember wishing to die..
All these years later.. I don't feel that much has changed..I am working to become stronger and still the thoughts incapacitate me.. my thoughts are dark and very hurtful...I'm worried that I will cut just for some release... there is no where for the thoughts to go..so they stay in my head and take over...
I sent her a card and I hope she got it in time or I'll be in trouble.. I'm to Afraid to just ask her...in a little while I'll have to call her and be happy when I'm incredibly close to tears...
I don't like mothers day...I really don't.. I can't deal with what it beings up
1 comment:
I'm sorry for what you've been through and what you missed. You deserved to be loved and to be safe. You still do. You ARE loved by many and you are important to many. I suggest you take those thoughts and imagine spitting them out at her. Don't let them stay in your head and tear you down. Spit them out. Hugs.
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