if this was a battle...then today i lost and lost big time...
mommy - 1
me - 0
im not sure i can find the words to truly express how badly i am feeling right now...my thoughts have gone downhill and are sitting at the bottom of this hole and i see no way out...im tired..my head hurts..and i feel lost ...i know i shouldnt believe her but i was already feeling a bit vulnerable from therapy and so talking to her and having her just i guess attack me in a way just made it all worse...she got me twice today ...and it is to much to deal with...im tired of fighting..and i asked her to stop because i was feeling stressed out and she didnt ..it was like i didnt even say anything..
according to her ..i need to stay in the closet...plan on moving out of sarahs in a year..dont make myself comfortable ... brought up old things that have been said to me..brought up my failures at my jobs and with living arrangements..my messy car...my inability to pack and clean and organize...all of it...if i can be so secretive with my family then i need to be just as secretive with everyone else...over and over ..i get this advice from her..and its like she doesnt care...no one cares in my family ..but as long as i keep up the pretense that i work with sarah then she is happy...nothing more can be said..i dont trust her or nia..and it feels like i do need to go back to keeping secrets ..because otherwise im doing something wrong...she says she doesnt care about my lifestyle and in the same breath tells me not to let anyone know..that what goes on behind closed doors is my business ...and not to mix business and personal...and that people will talk and say i am taking advantage of sarah ... and that im doing something wrong...i keep feeling like i am doing something wrong when im not...im truly not ...but i am fed the same arguments over and over...what part of im movin in with sarah is not clear? why would i plan to move in a year if ive said im living with her? why am i going to make new plans now that dont include her ? i feel like i will be forced to distance myself ... because i cant seem to win at this... i feel like im being pushed away in some ways because im not good enough..i dont fit in well enough..because im not following her commands as well as i once did ... does she ever think that maybe i need support to? or that i know being in a relationship takes work but every time i turn around im told to keep it quiet ...to leave..to move .. to date other people...over and over that is what i hear and it wears on me...not to make me leave sarah but just makes me tired and depressed and suicidal because it is so much to fight against..so many thoughts to fight against and sometimes i dont feel like i have any fight left...today i have nothing left...i cant think...and cutting is at the forefront of my mind..because i dont know any other way to ease this stress...because i feel like im worthless..not good enough ...a total waste of space..not accepted or even wanted...never wanted or liked or loved..because im just a horrible person and should die anyway ... that was the plan away..all those years ago ... just die and get it over with..and now all these years later i still have that same thought
emotional breakdown in progress
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