you have to calm down....

You know how you accidentally stumble on something and it is as if your entire being reacts to keep something from you? I feel like I need to sleep but I'm not tired am I? I was talking to Amanda but now I feel I'm not making any sense and should just lay down. Something has clicked on and something is desperately trying to get it to turn back off. All I have been thinking about is the no thing, the pouting thing and what triggers it. The more I think about it the more I think about some of my conversations with Kathy and how I ended up feeling like my world was crushed when she told me no on some things and I couldn't process it. I may know that I am asking questions that can not have a true yes answer but that childlike hope is there. There is honesty and a real want for safety in the questions and not being able to have it breaks me in a way. Those feelings/emotions don't grow up and when I find someone that I am attaching to and feel safe with, the questions come. Will you keep me? Can I live with you? Will you adopt me? I promise to be good? I'll do what you say? They are still looking for safety, comfort, parents, love. Being told no makes them angry, manipulative, hurt, sad. There is no big picture, there is a need for immediate gratification and not getting it causes a lack of something. Something didn't develop correctly, and has continued to be unable to develop or fix its self.