empty

Right now I'm feeling so empty and alone...And stuck I guess..  want to be ok for Sarah..And she has my full support and I'm so proud of her for getting help and calling her docs and going to the hospital...but at the same time I feel useless and alone...I know she needs to figure out what's going on and get a handle on it...but I feel as if I've been left on my own..And its making me just want to shut down..  don't want to talk to anyone..or do anything...  don't know when she will be able to call me or when she will be out...I am mad and jealous..I tried everything I could to help while i  was there and it wasn't enough ..And it makes me feel like I didn't try hard enough..I didn't care enough..I failed..And now she is in the hospital..the jealousy is coming from the fact that she is in the hospital..that she can go to the hospital or crisis program and get help or get a break..but I'm not allowed to do that..personal rules... I guess...And I can't afford to do it anyway...And mommy would kill me herself...Yes those are the reasons ..Well some of them anyway for avoiding the hospital..things aren't that  bad for me..I'm only thinking of killing myself a little bit this week..so that means this week is acceptable..there is a major need to hide my thoughts..pretend I'm ok...as I usually do..otherwise I'll just be stupid and not stop crying...she is safe and I'm happy for that. I truly am...I'm just wondering how safe I am...the thoughts weigh heavily on my head ...another night of no sleep..not even with the medicine..I just stay up and think...but maybe today I'll just sleep..I'm not to sure about managing today safely..