broken pieces

besides feeling like crap today i was trying really hard to have a good day...and now all i feel is that i am broken and useless and not needed...a big big fear of mine is not being needed...being reassured that i am needed..anything to let me know that i am somewhat important..somewhat wanted... but mommy got me on the phone while i was walking to the store and i wasnt prepared for her line of questioning..all about me not bein all in sarahs business and that it looks like im taking advantage of her ..that i need to keep work and personal separate...that she doesnt need me..and can live and do things without me around...another attack on being in a relationship and her being uncomfortable..not putting any information anywhere..no talking about it..sharing anything about it...dont i keep enough secrets ?  its been drilled in not to talk about my relationship..so i dont...what else is it that she wants from me.. and my already low self esteem took a massive blow...i immediately started to think and wonder if it was true..i need so much reassurance when it comes to whether or not im wanted...or if im needed or important or doing something right..and for mommy to say that has sent me into no mans land...i feel worthless , hurt..a waste of space..that im not good enough..never good enough...i am not thinking clearly...i feel that i have to prove im needed..that if i do enough i wont be tossed out ..fighting hard to stay safe and not cry anymore ... i guess right now it is hard finding to energy to do anything other than crying or just being silent .. lay down and try to not think anymore .. earlier i ended up taking 2 of the clonzapan and fell asleep..instead of doing anything damaging...but i know where the razors are..my mind has been zeroed in on them since i came back from the store .. i dont know right now really how i am feeling..mixed up ..a mess .. nothing .. nothing