Saw Anita today and so I have a few things on my mind right now and I'm feeling a little frustrated because I can't figure them out..as much as I enjoy figuring myself out.sometimes it gets on my nerves because things aren't just black and white ..there is to much gray area or room for interpretation..I need a clear cut picture and i get frustrated when I don't fit into set categories that make sense..
So Anita had written this kind of two way list of how things play out for me and as I was rewriting it I started thinking more about it and how the describe the different parts..And I felt frustrated because I could look at it and see so clearly how different they are..but I can't see how different events will play out...is it really one or two things that,can change the whole outcome? If I take mommy out or get a handle on my thinking or mot act impulsively would that really give me the time to get to a point of where I can think rationally...Will I get the time it takes for me to calm down and fully freak out safely without acting on anything and make it to the other side where rational thought waits? Why can't it be the same each time? Why does it have to be different? Why can't I see these things in the moment and change them? I get so caught up in whatever spiral I'm in that I can't get out of it until it is finished..who knows if that will take to long? Or if I'll do something stupid? Or can't figure out if im seeing or understanding all of my options..I don't want to make ..bad choices but sometimes I do..And I don't mean to. Some days I,just,don't like the way,I think and see things..it's.not like everyone else..
The second part of it was kind of about how I react to things..which has me wondering what triggers out the pouty more childish part of me and why...I know there are very specific triggers or things going on bit beyond being told no I can't think of what any are..And that frustrates me too...I mean I don't do it around many people..but I know I do it with Kathy and Anita and Courtney and Sarah and Yvonne .. but why..them...why do they get that behavior...what purpose does it serve? What am I getting out of it??
Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh
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