writing ....again

i wish i could say i was ok ...that i wasnt just sitting here thinking about going and getting razors..or going and finding more pills...the worse i feel and the more awake i am..how does that work exactly..where is my escape..i dont want to be awake right now..i want to be nothing..i would much rather prefer to numb out and instead im just awake and thinking non stop about things..nonstop thinking about every single thing going on...worrying about noa and her surgery..bills and money and work and jobs and moving and life and sarah and the cats and everything and it makes me tired and im bored..i dont want to do anything..just lay here and sleep and not even sleep is an escape ...with out the dang xanax im not even sleeping as much ...im awake and i dont want to be awake... no pain pills no nothing...im feeling worse...ive gotten to triggered and not had an outlet for it..and so ive begun taking it out on myself without actually taking it out on myself...little things..picking and scratching...not actually eating..not sleeping..showering is becoming optional .. my room is a dirty mess..all i do is feed the cats and some days it takes taji crying for 15 mins straight for me to even figure out that her food bowl is completely empty..im an awful person right now...i am..i deserve nothing because i am nothing .. im tired of fighting to just keep doing the same thing ... i am a failure ..playing endless adult games that i dont understand  and am not able to win...ill never be able to function correctly...always flawed and broken and sad and just not all there..something always missing...but i have to pull it together for work... smile and  talk and keep it together until 10pm...maybe somewhere in there ill actually eat something..and maybe ill even take my meds and quiet my mind ...  maybe

ugh

once again i feel like i feel like im trapped..stuck..in a situation and i dont have a way out..im over thinking and struggling and just trying figure out a solution to so many different problems and its becoming overwhelming ... well its already overwhelming ...

right now with two jobs things are getting a bit difficult..and will get more difficult as i get more clients..i know im going to cut back my hours but that hasnt really happened yet..im down to four days ..but with going out of town next week that pretty much means that ill have to work the beginning of the week..and that wont work with seeing clients...and then going out of town for the weekend ... and money for that..and bills and im just feeling overwhelmed .. with all of it...im thinking about just taking off the entire week from the group home...but then i feel stupid for even considering that knowing i need the money...but if i have two clients i will be able to see them and still have money coming in and be less stressed out...im tired...the past few weeks have been incredibly hard and tiring and triggering and im just tired of all of ... but again i feel stupid for even considering taking a full week off...i just some time away from here..from richmond.. from work..from obligations ..and from stress...again..i just dont know what to do

hating mother's day

I have tried today to feel something other than sadness and hate for today and I can't.... I want so much to be happy but I'm filled with hurt and anger instead.... the questions surrounding my adoption have no answers so I come to my own conclusion... some one threw me and my sister away ..even. in the very beginning I wasn't wanted... who took care of me I'm the couple years my sister lived? I don't blame her for taking all the attention ..it is just...I was hard wired to be ignored and forgotten..and then i got older and had the joy of living in fear...learning to fear.. wishing to die and looking for an escape... from my life...from my mother... I don't feel anything special about today.. I made my customary phone call this morning..sounding happy and in a good mood... but it was soul crushing...pretending to care on a day that means nothing to me..maybe going home is a mistake waiting to happening..I'm not good enough yet...I have to become good enough first... I need to not eat so much...I need to do more...be more....I just don't know

shame

My mind is still.going in circles...I keep thinking and trying so.hard to just allow things to be but i cant...im ashamed...ashamed of the scars the hiding the heat..the pretending.. the not being able to be like everyone else...never like anyone else...

it is becoming clearer....

i can not work with someone who is actively self harming ...not in a professional sense....it gives me a sense a uselessness that is overwhelming me ...i feel lost and like i have let every one down because i am not able to save this girl..another incident tonight and my thoughts are circling again around cutting..around hurting..trying to convince myself why a few cuts would make things easier..would let some of the pressure go...but i cant..i cant..im trying so hard..and its so hard being strong when i watch her and she takes this way out ..over nad over and over and it just kills me to have to keep working to stay safe and she could care less...and its like im stressed and overwhelmed but im expected to be ok...and im not..i just want to sit and cry right now because im feeling bad ..and stupid and flawed and sad...and i cant get the thoughts to stop...

i feel like a failure

going to write..going to try to write ...

my mind is on overload and i am sad and probably triggered..i am having things on repeat..and actually it is the same phrase that has been on repeat for a couple weeks now and i couldnt place it until a few days ago ...its from girl interrupted...but quotes on cutting...both constantly going back and forth...still no major desire to cut..but again the thoughts just plague me..try to get past all of my other thinking and take over...thankfully i have to many other thoughts going on and other stress going on right now that it cant happen...not like it usually does..im feeling miserable enough without cutting currently..thanks to my weird stomach issues and current food issues..and no energy...and going back to wanting to sleep all the time..and work being a massive trigger...i saw anita yesterday...and i knew i was beginning to get angry about work and going to work..but i did not really realize that it is getting beyond just being angry and getting into dangerous zone where i am beyond angry and possibly moving beyond thinking rationally about situations and then doing something stupid...and im trying hard to keep control .. but my ability to stay calm and separate is slipping..i know this...i can feel it..i hate going to work..it stresses me out..it upsets me and yes it triggers the heck out of me...i wish i could that her cutting and stuff isnt a trigger but it is..just with all of my own stuff going on ...the small need for escape is always in the back of my mind...and going and having to deal with her behaviors and the cops and hospitals and all of that is a trigger all by its self and staying professional and talking to them..and feeling so stupid because she does this stuff and doesnt tell us and we dont have all the information and cant really do anything but tell her past history..not what she has currently done..it is upsetting and it makes me feel like i cant do my job..that im not doing my job and that ill be in trouble for not being able to stop her...for not being better in some way..and it all becomes a big big circle...im not good enough for anything..i cant do my job effectively..i cant do anything right..and then i hate her..i hate her for everything she does and everything she is able to get away with..and i want to scream and cry and yell and all sorts of stuff because its not fair ... i cant get away with anything and she get away with everything ...all of her behaviors are brushed under the carpet ..it doesnt matter that shes been to the hospital..it doesnt matter that she is actively cutting..it doesnt matter that she is calling the cops or that staff is calling the cops..the people in charge arent at the house any ..we can barely get them on the phone in an emergency..they are useless...they dont do anything to help..they still give her permission to go out and give her what she wants while saying she is being manipulative and playing games and that they are going to talk to her and fix the situation and all sorts of stuff and nothing is done and its not fair that she gets all this stuff and can do all these things and the other residents cant..so yes it makes me angry..very angry..more angry than i thought possible because it is happening so often right now..because i feel like i am her target..because i barely want to interact or talk to her unless i have to .. because im tired and going to work has become an automatic stressor..and im not sure anymore how to deal with it...im worn out..i dont want to do it...i hate that i have to do...if i was 100% positive about my other job i would just quit but because im not i cant .... im afraid ill have to stay...im afraid ill be stuck there...im afraid ill be there and not to leave because of the cps thing and that makes me feel completely hopeless..and useless..

today....

today has been just one of those days that you read about happening to other people..where things just all go right and happen and it is a good day all around ...

i got up this morning nervous about going to the interview i had scheduled for today...got up...ate...talked to sarah..and then got ready..i posted on fb asking for good luck wishes because i was beginning to feel nervous and scared and didnt want to go ... but i went..freaked a little about finding parking but finally got it situated and went for the interview....the lady interviewing me was nice..i didnt ask her religion and i dont want to guess at it..but it isnt harming me in anyway .. but i spoke with her at length about my experience...she gave me a questionaire to answer and a writing example to do...i did both and then went back to talk to her..more questions and answering type stuff..paper work questions and so on and so forth...and then the last thing we talked about was pay....and before i knew it she offered me a position ... she told me that i would officially start may 4th ... ill be back in mental health support...there have been some changes..not as much paper work...im eager..im readyy...i want things to change so much..i need things to change....i really do...and i have to make the steps for the changes to happen....and it is scary...im not sure what i want to do about my current job..i dont want to stop it completely just because i know there will be a lag in checks for my other job...but i am going to decrease my hours...ugh i need to talk to anita... i talked to sarah a lot about it all today when we went out for dinner and she listened which was awesome..

we also talked about going to alsaka next year...for sure...so ill start researching and planning it...because this will be a lot more money due to plane tickets and what not..but i want a real vacation..i need a real vacation...

sudden im looking to the future again..im wanting to do things again...im feeling more hopeful about things...

i am going to come clean with my supervisor about the cps thing though and we will go from there...i just would rather tell her...and not let it come back in the paperwork background stuff...and i just feel guilty not telling her...so until i know for sure...i wont be letting go of my other job...not yet..

but i ended up calling mommy and nia and sarah and stephanie and of course posting it on facebook..and then i came home and took a nap..and then i went over the sarahs and we went out for dinner and then just spent some time talking...and then some time doing other stuff...i wished i could have stayed....really needing that physical contact i think...not sex per say...just contact..connection...

meds are starting to kick in though and im starting to drift off...

only had one sweet thing today at dinner

and the kids are becoming more comfortable...

ok i think thats all

not doing so great

I really hate when I being to feel out of control..when I begin to feel useless and hopeless and not needed...My body becomes the battle ground..it's the only one I have...im at war with myself..And it will get worse..it is getting worse...it started with pills and has grown...And now eating is becoming a battle..refusing to eat..eating twice a day..And it is going to get less..No one can know...there is nothing wrong..there is never anything wrong..I'm fine..I'm just destroying myself...And that is what it is...I'm sorry

broken

My body continues to betray me....thoughts of destroying myself are strong...right now its pills....whats next??? Just more secrets and tears...and I don't know who to talk to about it anymore..Sarah has listened to me a million times and still I'm struggling to process this information... I really don't know what to do..and next week I don't Anita until wed...I may need to call her...I don't know...

my heart hurts ....

my heart feels as if it has broken into a million pieces...for all of the times i had i didnt want to have children or how gross it is and all of that...but the option was always there...and now i may end up not being able to have children at all..and i know that i am told that having or not having a baby makes me any less than a women..but in my mind it does..i feel useless..i feel broken..and just so very very sad...i know that nothing is set in stone but the option is put in my head..and im afraid..it is all i can think about..its is consuming my thoughts..and i cant escape the thoughts..no amount of sleep is making them go away..i am taking to much xanax and trazodone ... and i need to not to do that because it is dangerous...tomorrow i can going to get my regular meds...ive just been at all home today..i called out again..my mind and body in condition to be at work...tomorrow i will have to go..i cant keep skipping work...but im tired...not feeling 100% safe ..but im not concerned i will actually do anything to myself..im to sad for that...i talked to sarah i think yesterday..she went to the appointment with me..i have to go back for an ultra sound on may 4th..and i guess that will be the day i find out what the real next steps are...im just i dont know...trying to shut down..trying to not have to deal..ignoring and self medicating until i stop feeling..maybe i should call courtney or anita but no..i dont want them taking away the meds just yet..im not planning on dying ..i just need help to get through the day without crying..without any real thinking...i dont have the energy to keep up appearances...so medicine it is ...so something has to help...im behind on getting my meds filled anyway..so i really do need to go and get them..im sure that is not helping things either...im a mess right now...feeling so very much like a failure...broke down at least 3 or 4 times yesterday...today im very carefully managing to stop the tears..but i am really isolating...not talking to anyone really but sarah and mommy since she called me first thing in the morning...i have nothing to say..i dont know what to say...to myself or anyone else right now..i just want quiet...numbness..emptiness ...anything to help me forget about what i was told..i cant deal

bogged down ...

i have been avoiding writing like the plague and as a result my thoughts are begining to become repeatitive and obsessive and a lot of things are just making me feel so sad...i dont even know where to begin right now...my mind is so full but im so tired..my energy is gone..i feel like i cant function right now..it is 1:30am and im awake because i wasnt able to leave work again until 12am...another no communication so i wasnt expecting it..and all i got was a sorry...im sick..im worn out...im just tired and as the days go on i just get more tired..of struggling and trying and failing ... over and over the same things and i just end up feeling so disappointed and upset with myself a nd i want to lash out but i cant do that either...i dont have the energy...but whats going on..maybe ill make a list...

- the bleeding is stopping..i went on thursday and was able to get my shot ...which as i suspected practicly stopped the bleeding within 24hours...part of me wants to say im fine and not go to the gyno appointment..but im still cramping and it is still pain..and it is something that i dont want to happen again..so ill keep the appointment...but i havent gotten my info stuff either..so ill have to call access now on monday to ask about that...with all the bleeding ive been told that i am anemic again...i can craving ice again...

- allergies have begun to kick my butt..and im not feeling so great in general right now...my throat, eyes, ears, and nose are itching so much..im been sneezing and coughing..so i guess a trip to the drug store is in order...i need to get my meds refilled anyway...and im just beginning to strress out about money..

- money issues are getting to me again...im working my ass off and there is nothing to show for it ..i cant afford to move..but staying will come with a high high price..and i dont know..right now im feeling like such an awful person that i wonder if keeping taji and bounce is even a good idea...i cant see life without them..but im not able to care for them properly either and it worries me..a lot..but money for bills and rent and meds and phone and all of it is just stressing me out..and paying nia and rob back..

- my a1c is on the rise..it is actually above 8 right now..and that is not good at all...im scared and worried..wondering what ive done so wrong with..diet..no exercise..what...its jumped 2 points in 6 months...ive only been back on the meds for a month and still forgot sometimes to take the evening dose...the doc called me on friday to tell me this and i immediately became worried...she is changing my med to see if it helps and wants me to see the nutritionist..and im just afraid..

-applying for jobs...and getting interviews is making me nervous..i want a new job..i need a new job...i can do more with myself and my career if i would just believe in myself..its so hard for me to believe in myself..and i did freak out a little bit on friday when i had the interview and ended up talking to both courtney and anita on thursday..and had a very small talk with anita on friday afternoon...shoot im ready to go to the group just to get more time with her...

-my needs for comfort and attention are at an all time high..ive been not feeling good for so long and i just want someone to take care of me...i can go to sarah sometimes and just lay in her bed and cry from the pain and overwhelmedness like i did the other weekend..but she stayed with me..but i dont get to see her every day..i dont get hugs or feel important on a daily basis..and now with her family back in town..im trying to be suportive of her and still managain to some how lose my mind with worry and anxiety when she is with them..i dont mean to..but i keep freaking out...ive talked to her about it..cried about it..obsessed about it..felt selfish and mean for feeling the way i feel..im trying to understand and trust that i will not be abandoned..that i wont be left alone...sarah tells me that i am important to her...the most important person to her..and that she isnt going anywhere...the old fears and insecurities are popping up..worrying about how i was told that im to selfish to ever get married or be loved...feeling that im only good or needed when someone wants something from me...that i cant say no because ill be left alone..that i really am just an awful person and deserve to be alone because i am so complicated to deal with..and ive spent so long convincing myself that i would be alone..that i would never have anyone love me..and that changing is still hard...but its the random moments we have together where things are just what they are..we talk..we laugh..its silly..its fun..it makes me feel loved..and that i matter..that i can be myself..wether im just sitting in her room crying my eyes out for some reason or talking about sarahs umm dressing style...it really is the little things..like watching a whole movie and her holding my hand for the whole movie..i didnt ask and neither did see..but it happened...and i keep thinking of anita asking me what love means for me..and i think that is it...yes it is having someone accept me as i am..but its so much more than that too..its having someone to laugh with, to cry with..no questions asked..no judgements..being forgiven ..and not giving up on each other...being supportive..we hold each other up..no matter the issue..we are consistent for each other..we can sit in silence and i dont feel afraid..i dont feel i have anything to prove..she knows everything already...she stayed with me when i had nothing at all..she has helped me with various things even though i  struggled to accept the help...but yes..it is a lot..but i think i feel it the most with the little things...the things that i dont ask for but somehow she knows i will like or will help me feel better...and thats why im trying so very hard to calm down the jealousy stuff...with her and courtney and anita..people who dont judge me and give me attention for the positive stuff..i dont have to beg for there attention or use negative stuff to get there attention..my brain knows this but my thoughts continue to push the boundaries...continue to try and get more from them.to get everything from them...they have to fill up the emptiness inside of me..i need them to feel confident and happy and supportive and non judgemental of me,,i need them to tell me things that i am good at and point out the things that i am not seeing or when i am manipulating..or not listening..or pulling me out of my head when things get to hard to deal with and i am shutting down...i cant do it myself..i dont know how..but the emptiness is always there..the need for acceptance is always there..

-im sad that my relationship with sarah is not considered important by others...like mommy asks about how sarah is doing but nothing about planning a wedding...i guess i know where nia stands on the issue...yvonne hasnt mentioned it or talked to me about it..and understanding that sarahs family is not feeling happy about me...and i guess my feelings are hurt about it..no im not in a place to plan a wedding..but i just want it to be acknowledged...its important to me..but i can only show that to sarah..and well courtney and anita..i wish people were more understanding...and as much as the odds are stacked against us in a million and one ways...we are still sticking together..and pushing through...because its like ok ..interracial relationship..then a lesbian relationship..and then the wheelchair...i find it funny that the most important issue for my family is the wheelchair...of all the things..its that dang wheelchair...but again my life is here with sarah..maybe i just wish we could do more stuff...but then my stupid issues with being social and whatnot come up and its like no id rather just stay with you at your place...maybe that will change with time..and a heck of a lot of practice because i know that sarah does enjoy going out and stuff..

-a work issue came up the other day...regarding me being a cutter and the resident that i generally dont like...she said something about me telling her that i thought she was harming herself and she started crying..and blah blah blah..we had a conversation..about coping and being strong and resisting the urges...but my supervisor pulled me into the office and talked to me about it...because of course the resident told what we talked about it..and i guess again my feelings were hurt..but that i something i should have expected to happen...i mean the resident has known since like my second or third week of working here...and my issues will not be used against me...me making stupid decisions has been used against me..but i refuse to let the mental stuff be a deciding factor or excuse in anything...which is why i refuse to go the disabled route..i dont want the label...i dont want my issues to become all that anyone knows about me...and believe me..not many people know about my issues..hiding and pretending and being ok is the story of my life..but the cutting and scars ... they arent going anywhere and i told my supervisor that...that i have to live with my actions for the rest of my life...that i was in therapy and taking my meds...everything that ppl want to hear..to keep up the image of being ok..who wants to hear that i am feeling depressed or that i may or may not be suicidal ..or how im really depressed and not just tired some days...that i can only do with my very small circle of support ppl...but yeah i was just hurt by all of it..i mean she cant use it against me..my work proves that i am able to do my job...but can i be fired for being depressed and in therapy?

-im still working on that personal mission statement...i think about it alot..but i just cant figure out how to word it..how to write it...how to believe it..but its on my mind ...

i guess those are the major issues on my mind right now...a lot...and it really is bogging me down..im so tired...of the medical stuff..and not understanding my body ..not caring enough to stick to anything..i feel like a fialure at life..at my health..at all of it..because i just want be ok..and things keep happening that prove im not ...and i feel even stupider going to the doc with all these issues and i cant even give a real family background because of being adopted..there are no answers..there is nothing to go on..and my mind runs awaay with the fear of something serious going on..of being told that i will actually never be able to have children...of taking away my option to have kids...its all making me sad

i guess i just emptied my head..maybe ill just ty to go to bed now,,or try to sleep..fighting the meds it seems tonight..but i really did need to write

and again...anxiety won

as the meds take affect im really hoping this makes sense...my body hurts right now ...but oh well on that one..

i got home from work at about 8 am..and slept off and on until about 3....i was ok for a couple hours but then i started to get anxious about sarah and not being in contact iwth her and knowing that she was away..almost got to a full blown anxiety attack...i ended up talking to someone on facebook..who was able to understand the confusingness of eccho and parrot...food got things calmed down enough and then i knew i just needed to keep busy..really busy...so cleaned up and did laundry ..cleaned the litter box..everything..and now im ready to crash..waiting for the meds to kick in..i just feel so so vulnerable i guess..afraid of being abandoned...remembering past things..broken promises...all the threats of being left..because i wasnt able to do things in time...its all mashing up in my head and i end up freaking ..and i hate it because then i lose control...i cant think clearly..i want comfort and physical contact..just to calm the nerves...i just need the reassurance that she is there...the kids are still so very close to the surface.there is a major need to just know she is there..ive failed twice this week at keeping it together..and instead i turned into a crying spazz who cant handle it...i dont know

i just cant ..

my body hurts..i cant get the smell of blood to leave me alone..i cant get the bleeding to stop ..or the cramps or the clots or anything..no amount of pretending is making it go away..im tired..so very very tired ... i feel dirty .. very dirty

failing at this

i woke up anxious and confused...i am struggling to do the correct things and not act out in anger or frustration or whatever it is that i am currently feeling...i dont want to take the meds..i want to hide..i want to cry...and i cant even get out an explanation of why...im hurting and upset and sad and just to many things to even name ..i think today i will just lay down until time for work..i cant manage anything right now  :( 

bad dreams and stuff

There is a lot that I need to write about ..but my time is almost up  for now..I'm over at Sarah's and soon will have  to leave..like in an hour leave.And it is causing some anxiety..Ok a lot of anxiety and I'm trying not to cry...things are slightly hard right now nd I feel like I'm not any good to anyone...but I had a dream last night that I killed myself..took all my pills...I didn't make it to the hospital so I guess I died...pretty much means that I need to be incredibly careful with myself as i am aware that my thinking is becoming more mixed up..I'm frustrated with my body and the cramps that come randomly and make it hard to do anything...I hadn't cried at all  about it until Saturday..I just got so upset that it is still happening and I can't do anything about it..I'm afraid that I'll be told that I will have to go for the ultrasound and then the d&c...I'm afraid...I talked to a coworker about it..she has had two..she explained the process to me..And I'll end up needing to take a couple days off of work ... I hate this...My jealously and need for attention is causing some unrest...I am feeling left out and forgotten before anything has even happened..And Anita not being here is not helping the feelings...I'm being so incredibly selfish bit I don't know how to make it stop..Sarah is being reassuring and keeps reminding me that I'm the first priority to her..but my insecurities are suddenly front and center and I start convincing myself that I need to  be better..I need to not be me...I need to fix what is wrong with me...And Sarah has a million different things she is dealing with right now an  me losing it won't help... I'm feeling out of sorts and don't know what to do..wanting an escape..And thoughts of cutting are returning...My head is confused..I have such a head ache and I'm feeling sick...I last ate around 1 yesterday...I know I need to eat as my sugar is probably incredibly low...but I can't seem to..I just want to  lay down actually...Maybe I need  to call,courtney..except I'm not sure I'll be able to make that call with crying...the crying needs to stop...really...I made cake yesterday...I don't even want any..And cake is my favorite..something is going on...

mommy is coming

Against my wishes and trying..she is coming ...they are coming..I feel like crap... I look like crap... and I don't have the energy to care...but anxiety is up majorly

i dont feel well

I currently feel like death
..I  tired and cranky..I can't focus..My head hurts..nauseous..cramps...so many different things going on.. And I'm just trying to get through the days...right now my goal is to make it to ten..And go home..that is my goal...

worthless body

My appointment to see the doc had been moved up to the 2nd...I just want to cry because I'm thinking that this is going to be something major...this is the 3rd or 4th time this has happened..I've tried every form of birth control there is and still the bleeding comes and doesn't stop...I don't know what's wrong or why.. I'm afraid that I will be told that I need to be referred out again..more exams..more ultrasounds..more pain and fear and being constantly triggered..I just want it to stop and it won't and I'm not sure that I have many options left for trying to control it...it may not be fixed with the shot..that I can't get a whole month early..and that is why I have to see the doctor first and talk about my options..what options are left...the d&c thing is what hasn't been tried and I'm not feeling particularly keen to have my uterus scraped out..nothing to do but wait..but I'm already convincing myself I have some incurable disease.. i can't stop the thoughts.. I'm trying so hard and I can't stop them...

frustration

super frustrated right now and highly pissed off and tired and hungry and just want to lay down..no..this is not a good combination at all

goals

For some reason ... I like having my list 

2 hour session

I had a 2 hour therapy session today...to say my brain is done is putting it nicely..my head can't handle anything else at all...I'm so drained.. right now...so so drained!! She actually came with a plan of things to talk about and work on because betting on me wasn't going to happen lol..I walked in there with no idea what to talk about..so we hit on a lot of stuff.. actually talked about goals and triggers and budget and Sarah and the support group and I let her know I'm being safe..we talked about my goals I have with Sarah..more on the apartment stuff...we talked about work and well just a lot of stuff..it was good ..just overwhelming ..after all is said and done...there is a lot on my mind right now...a super lot and I'm tired at work...ugh

i dont remember

i know that i have a bad memory...ive spent a couple hours tonight and prolly on and off for the past few days..trying to figure out when i started the depo shots..because my period has actually started and im trying to figure out how long ive been without it..the shot is working ..but i really was at tantrum level today about the whole issue and ready to go and tell my doctor that the shot isnt working...i just struggle so much with the whole period thing and the issues are very deep and troubling and the whole thing is a major trigger..and its just been a non consistent issue for the past like month...cramps here and there..a little bit of spotting..but the past week it all intensified..and the cramps are coming with a vengence..but i cant remember when i started the shots..has it been six months..nine months ..or a year..i suck so badly at recalling things and i cant match up time frames correctly .. and so trying to remember is causing me to forget even more and doubt all of it..and i feel stupid for not being able to remember the simple stuff..i forget the important stuff..the non important stuff..and it just ..its hard..it makes me feel bad...

lack of beauty and ramblings

there has been a lot on my mind recently...self esteem and confidence are really low..and i just spend a lot of time wishing i could be someone else..anyone else...im ashamed of the scars..and feel ugly..i look in the mirror and the negative stuff starts up immediately..i try to stop it or think of other things to fight them with..but instead all i end up doing is wishing that i could be a beautiful person..someone who is wanted and needed...and instead all i have is me..all i am is me..and that depresses me a lot...i just feel like i should be better..i should be doing more..i should be fighting to get healthy and to be happy...but the more i try the more i sabotage it all and then stop caring ..and yes it is a vicious cycle that i am stuck in...the disordered eating stuff hasnt exactly picked up but the thoughts are there...and now with all of my stomach issues ..it is all just a pain..i wish i could accept myself and who i am..and i think i have times when i get really close to doing it..to accepting and letting things go..but then i stop..or something gets to me and i start the whole process all over again..and it is frustrating..i try to avoid the mirrors because i dont want to look at myself...and i think some of it also has to do with being on fetlife and seeing people post all these cool pictures and stuff..but i am so scarred that i could never do that...not that i would be comfortable with it anyway i dont think..but still even on a site where anything goes..i am still censoring things...fear,,judgement, shame and guilt all play a part in it..and i guess with the shame issues picking up...i am once again remembering why it is that i am my own worst enemy..i just feel so stupid for evening worrying about this...but all my life ive been told and asked 'why cant i be like so and so' ... i was doomed to failure from the get go..trying to achieve what someone else has..or trying to be like someone else..and i cant do it..and so i keep failing and yeah this whole thing is depressing me hell out of me..but i need to get the thoughts out ..and keep them slightly separate..but i see it all..and the paranoia starts and i swear im being watched and judged..like everyone has xray vision and im the joke that everyone is making fun of and laughing at .. i dont feel pretty or special often..and really the only person who does make me feel pretty is sarah..but im not going to go finishing for compliments just so that i feel better about myself...this is just one of those if i had grown up different..how different would i be ? would i be the same person?

disconnected

The past two days has been really hard..um trying to get it together and I have moments where I feel like I'm all together but mostly it just feels like I'm not connected to anything... my brain doesn't want to stay where it is supposed to stay..and I guess some of it has to do with the pain and cramps from my period starting..the cramps are bad and its making me feel so out of it and cranky and short tempered..and its making my back hurt..actually my whole lower stomach area hurts and I feel like I'm starving and I just want to eat chocolate and I'm so frustrated with everything.. I paid the rent and my car insurance with this check..and it just made me sadder...mommy asking to borrow money has left me with nothing...and there is a limit on asking for it back..I can only ask to borrow up to 20 and no more..I was going to try to get my meds and I can't now ...another two weeks before that is an option.. I guess I have some food .. it will pretty much be grilled cheese. pdandj and noodles...for the next two weeks..how I'm gonna budget for cat food and litter us beyond me right this minute..I need gas for next week and the worry and stress makes me just feel worried band scared..and stressing out doesn't help anything at all..and I just feel useless because I can't do anything at all..I can't get out of survival mode and I keep getting stuck in my head and I can't get out... hopeless I guess

really need to regroup

Yesterday was just an all around really truly bad day..from the time I woke up until I went to bed it was something...Ugh...Just sucky and frustrating and upsetting..I'm a little calmer today..No work today and I'm really glad I'm off on Monday..

i need to write ..before i scream...

going to write really fast

im afraid that i will have to go to the doctor about my stomach issues..i go in a couple weeks for my shot stuff so ill make an appointment then..im just tired of all the issues and eating and getting sick and just not feeling good...something is going on with my stomach and now my throat and im tired of it...i really am..i dont feel good..the coughing i have decided is not from getting sick..its something about some weird stuff going on and im not really sure what to do...im tired of this..is a very very big way...i just want to lay down and sleep for a couple days because of not feeling well...and im in a really bad mood because im not feeling good.. and im majorly pissed off and annoyed about not being able to get my transcripts and things are just going downhill again and i dont know how to get it to stop..im back to wanting razors.to ahve.to keep..to use..i dont know..i better get going ..work calls

There is so much rolling around in my head...sigh

majorly anxious

Something has me feeling really anxious and I'm picking at everything..My fingers..My face..currently about 7 fingers are a bleeding mess..And if I didn't have to go to work tomorrow I would put bandaid on..they are sore and look gross and I can't seem to,leave them alone...I'm feeling quiet ..really quiet ..I don't know what is going on..I just feel like hiding

ugh

My stomach is being a pain today...I ate my lunch and for some reason my stomach is incredibly upset..I ate the same thing last night and my stomach wasn't upset...geez..I hate how my stomach picks and chooses what is ok to eat and what isn't...

I seem  be on a corn kick..No idea why but suddenly all I want to eat  is corn...I was craving fried chicken but I made that yesterday so I'm good on that..but no corn is taking over..weirdness extreme..

I'm super bored at work and did I mention I'm bored..  want to coo  way to many different things..And no time or space..I am going to throw the rice away though..  I don't like it and normally I do like the chicken wild rice..but for some reason I don't this time...I think I'll do the chicken and sweet potatoes bake thing tomorrow morning...And I ended up saying something to tramaine about my food ..because she and her company came in last night and ate my food..  don't understand because she has food but sees fit to keep eating mine .. it frustrates me..And she was just like I understand..And it's crazy because there is nothing to understand..it's freaking mine...Ugh..undue stress

I'm going to have to go to the store...I need cat food..Maybe I'll pick up the stuff for the macaroni and beef thing..it looks so good! So that and my cinnamon rolls are next for cooking...

I was a little frustrated this morning with Sarah
..but we talked about it..who knew communication could actually be a good thing...

It's looking more and more  like I'll be applying for that other job..if.  want to be able to do anything I need more money coming in...I'm making needs meet right now..for the most part..it's a struggle though..an  I need to get back on my meds before I try to kill myself or something....And that is an additional 70+ dollars..Ugh everything is so frustrating..I'm trying to just keep my head above water...blah way touch to think about..

I'm at work..I've really saved gas  this week lol..tomorrow I'll have to drive of course..but I've barely driven this week..the water was on this morning..we left it running all night and that worked..but the house manager came and picked me up an  My coworker is going to be taking me home tonight..so they managed to get me to work..I was really hoping for a snow day of doing nothing!! But no I'm at work..but thankfully I don't have to spend the night..My hours are kind of sucky this week..I'll end up missing a day..blah..I'm trying hard  to make sure I get my 40 hours a week...pretty soon though days off will be a thing of the past with two jobs...Ugh...oh well ..some how something will work out..I hope..I hate having two jobs...I end up getting careless and there is no time to distress at all...I really need to think about this..big time...

writing..reflections ...boredom

so i ended up not going to work today because of the water issue and well i wanted to take a shower..they came and looked at it in the early afternoon and it was back on like 3 hours later..im currently trying to do laundry and what not while i have the chance and while i have the apartment to myself...i did my hair and ive cleaned up my room finally...taji has been peeing on everything and so it is a pain and i needed to mop the floor so that it would not smell like her personal bathroom pit stop anymore...but for the most part my room is in wonderful order and it smells like apples ... i love that cleaning stuff...it smells really good...but generally its been a pretty i dont know sort of day..woke up angry..and pissed off..found out about the water not working and just kind of stayed pissed off...so i ended up calling out from work..and now ive been asked to do a double tomorrow...and i said i would if the weather permits...if i wake up in the morning and there is a couple inches of snow on the ground im not going in..and i let her know that..ive already told her that i cant drive in the show and im not comfortable doing it..so we will see how the weather holds up..just in case i am bringing extra stuff with me..and food of course since i will be there all freaking day..ugh..that is going to suck horribly..but ill get all my hours for the week..and the schedule for next week is actually already out and im going to be off all weekend..yay...im gonna just hang out at sarahs of  course for the weekend..and maybe my mood will hold out...im considering my medicine and how i can get it filled..not sure ill be getting anything at all back from taxes because of some random medical bill i have that i dont even remember..essh..but im just not even counting on that one anymore..so on to my next plan...sadly ive come to the decision that i will not be going to see nia at all for now..not until i can get them paid back...and so that means no visiting ...because it would be hellishly wrong to visit knowing i owe them a bounce of money and what not..so to avoid that ..ill be paying them back first..which means no visiting anyone or going anywhere and that just makes me sad...i know i just should work on working and paying bills but that is all i do..i work so freaking much..and have nothing to show for it at all...so not being able to go anywhere just really makes me sad...there is not really anything to look forward too..the months will pass and there will be nothing of interest going on...maybe ill be able to go and see wayne and the boys and courtney when the baby is born for a couple days...i just feel like im missing out on everything..and it triggers the depression in an even bigger way..im trying to hang on..and deal with it...but the sadness wins out...the overload on criminal minds may not be helping at all..but dang it..im addicted ...maybe ill take my prescriptions to walmart and see how much they cost...get back some of them..a few at a time...i know i need to be on all of them..both the ones for physical stuff and mental stuff..but if i cant get the mental stuff under control better then i wont be willing to take the other ones at all ..because i tend to get hooked on the i am fine thinking and well if i think im fine then no amount of trying to convince me otherwise will work..right now my self care is lacking a lot..ok im pretty much not doing it in any way at all...again ..knowing i should and actually doing it are not the same thing..so i go up and down with my moods and well the outcome is that i lay in bed and only get up when im stuck going to work..shoot half the time im at sarahs im laying down ..ha sometimes laying down is fun..but sometimes im really truly just laying down to lay down..blah..depressing stuff today it seems ... i dont know..head is in a weird random and disjointed place tonight...i think im getting more agitated for some reason..i dont know ...maybe if the weather holds ..i can take some of my prescriptions in somewhere and see how much they will cost...i should go check my laundry ... this wifi thing though may be a huge lifesaver !! i can be online a little bit..well ill only use it on days that im not working of course..but i get to be online..and use my computer again..and that keeps me a little bit busier...hmmm ok ..kitchen to cook and clean and then more crimnal minds and wasting time so that ill go to bed early hopefully so i can get up at 5am tomorrow to go to work...

who saves the day?

you know ..i watch all of these shows..svu, csi, criminal minds, etc...knowing that to many at once is an overload and will cause some adverse reactions...but i keep watching them..over and over i watch them..my current show in criminal minds...but if i know the shows are a trigger ..why do i put myself through it over and over again..what is the point exactly???

ive watched 5 episodes of criminal minds in a row today..and im at the point now where i need to stop watching..for my own sanity..but the last episode was about a kid who had been kidnapped..you go through all the stasistics about how after a certain number of hours the ability to find the child alive like get cut in half ... but they found her...she will need therapy for the rest of her life but they found her..unharmed..and was able to give her back to her parents...thats the important piece..they are saving these people...kids and adults who get caught up in some messed up things..and things shows are based on life..i cant watch them and just think oh this will never happen..its to far fetched..who would steal a kid or sale a kid ..so on and so forth...i watch the shows because i know that they will catch the bad guys..i need to see them catch the bad guys..its really important to me...its because they go looking for these kids and people and do everything that can to make things right ...they care and they support ..

and i go back to wishing my life could have been a tv show..where i am lost and found all in 60 mins...that there is a way to let go of the bad stuff and move on...but thats not my life..no i was lost in the cracks and left to my own defenses ..and i am where i am now..and the old questions still plague me...what did i ever do ?  how come i couldnt pick my parents?  why did i end up with two sets of parents who didnt want me?  but there was no one looking for me or helping me..and so here i am..all broken and useless .. waiting to be saved..still waiting ...

therapy...conversation

we actually talked a little bit about what it would be like if I went to the hospital...t said she would feel sorry for them if I was there...not because I'm bad..but because I know the field ..I know what to say and how to say it..I would be in there teaching them what they are supposed to do...And she is right... I can talk them out of putting me in the hospital..And t and pdoc both know that I can...but t told me that the world needed me out of the hospital and that she didn't want to see me there. That means a heck of a lot.

on overload

My brain is overloaded right now..I'm feeling anxious and tearful...I did see Anita today and we talked about what's been going on and I told her what has been kind of going on and how I've been..but I haven't been able to track my moods and my journal has no time of reference..so that wasn't so helpful..but I've asked to journal daily and to write about the touch thing when it happens and stuff...so that is ok..we talked a lot actually about the touch thing since I did bring it up..I'm not sure why I brought it up but I did...so we talked..I worked on my journal more too...still not finished though...Anita mentioned that I may be trying to hard to make it all fit together..And she is right..I'm slowly losing the ability to look at it objectively...it's hard..there is so much pain and sadness and it is hard to ignore it when I'm sitting there reading it all...so that is going slow...really slow..talked about work and everything..And a general check in...I forgot to mention that I'm starting to have trouble sleeping..And bad dreams about death again...there is never enough time during the session..seriously...

After leaving her..I was feeling ok.but gradually my mood has gone down a lot...I feel like crying and I'm tired of so much..My head refuses to stop hurting and I really don't want to be at work...it's to hard and I'm thinking to much..I want to be left alone and that can't happen at work...Maybe I won't do anything tomorrow ...Just lay down and not do anything...I don't know..

well

I am much calmer...ready to go home..but I am definitely calmer..And with the calm have come some latent turned on feelings..can we say bad timing extreme!! Hmmm maybe I'll look  up a couple of my stories that I like reading...Ok so off track..tonight at work was actually ok
..all things considered..Thank heavens tomorrow I see Anita..I think I need to talk or not talk..My feelings are mixing themselves up big time...And hiding and Pretending are the game changers of course..My brain is skipping around majority..I  thinking about today, tomorrow, and Tuesday..  I want to cook so much on Tuesday and I think I will..I. Just sure what I want to cook..I keep changing my mind..I want to spend the day watching criminal minds and cooking...nothing that requires much thinking ..Just for a day...Maybe I'll sleep...who knows...I really should focus on tonight..goodness...Umm get through tonight..that's the goal...I'll worry about tomorrow when tomorrow gets here..

Breathe
Keep breathing
Get up and go to work
That is the plan
Make sure it happens

badbadbad

Something is really wrong and I guess it started sometime yesterday..feeling way to much ..I keep falling asleep..And then bad dreams are what chased me away from trying to keep laying down...all. dreams ending in my death I guess..a very big difference from the night before where I was just super excited...My head hurts and trying hard not to cry..Maybe I'll put on cartoons or something...feeling incredibly vulnerable and sad and fragile..the ability to manage properly is leaving me very quickly..right now I just want to hide some where...self destruction is becoming an issue...My thoughts are jumbled. I can't think straight and.  I would prefer if the crying stopped..Maybe I'll just sit in the darrk and think about nothing and everything..And hope nothing happens...

a lot going on...sorta

Ok this may be crazy long..I guess I'll  start with the current stuff and work my way back...currently my stomach is going crazy..the past couple weeks I guess, almost everything I eat is upsetting my stomach...And its just a pain constantly running to the bathroom..I need to figure out what is causing it..because I'm  once again having stomach issues and I don't like it at all...it's been happening almost daily..it's not fun..if it keeps up I may end up making an appointment to see the doc...

Also for like the past couple weeks I've been getting really bad cramps but no actual period...I'm not sure the aleeve is helping..but I'm starting to feel pretty crummy physically..I'm not really sure what is going on ...so I'm gonna go back to fixing my meals an  not eating out so much...I  still pretty good with decreasing the soda...only like once or twice a week..And not massive amounts..so better on that..but I'm gonna have to figure out what is causing my stomach to stay so upset...it hurts..And I end up not feeling good..And last weekend I wasnt feeling good at all..Sunday ended up with me spending most of the day laying down and sleeping..but gradually as the day went on I started to feel better ..And I was over at Sarah's and not by myself...I can't remember the last time I willingly let someone else take care of me..but it was nice to be able to let go of things for a little while...

Things at work are pretty much the same..working a hell of a lot for not much of a paycheck..but I'm surviving I guess...I'm looking for a new job..And I really just want stability so bad..where I know my hours and when I'll work and all of that...And physically feeling so crummy has me just wishing I could take a few days off of work..Just to have some down time...but I can't afford to do that..so I'll keep coming to work not feeling the greatest..

I think  today my mood is going crazy ..I'm ok and then just as quickly not ok..My brain hurts and I'm tired and well not feeling good..I want to be left alone but not alone ...Ugh...I'm just feeling off..really really off..I missed seeing Anita this week..not a good idea..I don't even remember now why I ended up cancelling..but I'm scheduled for next week so that will work out...

Yesterday ended up with me feeling really anxious..I know this because I was picking at my feet..And yes picking my feet apart is just as bad as picking at my fingers..I need to pay more attention to my feet if I  managing to pick at them...but I ended up upset yesterday morning about something with Sarah but I actually told her I was upset and later sad...it was just triggering in a big way..thankfully it ran it's course..I used my coping skills and calmed down..even managed to no  hang on to the sad feelings...dinner and flowers were an unexpected perk...but I loved them.

Right now I'm hoping that I don't end up in a not good place again...I'm started to get that rocky things aren't  Ok feeling....I don't know

heading into a bad place

I have no idea why or what has really caused this particular downward spiral...I don't want to be bothered..I feel like crying because I am so upset and I don't know what about...How can I fix what is wrong if I don't even know..I was ok I thought I was ok but I'm not..I just want to go and hide at home...I don't want to be around anyone..I just want to lay down and not have to do anything...I don't know what is wrong..but I can't stop it...I don't know how..

well...

Things are going ok right now...they really are..I'm trying to manage and I did throw out the razors..they are completely gone now since I took out the trash this morning..I was once again stuck cleaning up the kitchen..but oh well...I cleaned up and went to get toilet paper and paper towel..I asked her to get some but she never answered my text so I see no point in waiting for her..I don't plan on running out of stuff for her benefit..so I went to the store and picked some up..I got sandwich stuff and I got some water and sugar free mixes..And some cereal...surprisingly I didn't want any snacks..I got some chickfila and it made me sick...Ugh...I'm going to be able to get my meds by the end of the month..I finished my taxes for the most part and will be getting a small amount back...so that will help out with bills and maybe I can get something that I want ...who knows...I'll see...but I will be able to get caught up on the stupid water bill..I found out that I may be taken off of the schedule because of my transcripts and right now I don't even care..I'm tired and I'm trying to get my transcripts from my other job and they aren't sending them..I've been emailing for weeks and something keeps coming up...so I guess I'll be off the schedule...I'm trying hard to care...but the need for a few days off is much needed...Just a couple days or something of no stress...so next Wed I'll know for sure...but me being taken off the schedule gives me time to look for another job..I've talked to my supervisor about the current financial struggle and they are going to take me off?!?! Yeah that makes sense...

I'm off on Saturday though..And that is pretty exciting...I've gotten all but one thing for Sarah and hopefully she likes it..we are going to the movies and out to eat..Marcia is going to but that's ok..because in April we will be gone for a week..not the most private place but just getting away...so it will be ok...we make it work..And I like doing things that makes Sarah happy..which is a totally different conversation...

I cancelled my appointment to see the doctor tomorrow..I don't want to go..And if something happens I'm technically at the clinic each week anyway..I can make another appointment...

But like I said..getting through Feb is the important thing...And then maybe things will get a bit easier...hopefully

pretending, hiding, masks...

The mask I wear is constant..immediate..I still rely on it to hide from everyone..to hide from the world...it is still firmly in place..after all these years..I can't seem to let it go for long...I got my evaluation at work on Friday and it is making me anxious..the last job I had..I literally lost my job like a few days after the evaluation was done..so I'm a little bit freaked...I got a good evaluation...I was told I am positive and what not all the time..And I looked at her lime she had lost her mind..I told her I thought I was going to be fired..I didn't tell her that often I come to work suicidal or stressed to the point of crying..or feeling afraid and all the recent cutting....but that isn't for anyone to know and so the mask stays in place..it's hard and tiring and that is why I guess the isolation is still so important..I get tired of pretending that I have things all together..because then no one believes me when things have fallen apart..I never act sad..I get very quiet..but I blame my off days on being tired or not feeling well..those are acceptable answers..I'm depressed and suicidal..or anxious are not acceptable..not to mention I would most likely be fired..because I'm completely crazy and make stupid choices and get myself in trouble and I just want to scream some days when I can't get my head  to work correctly.. I want to be something ..someone..anything that I'm not..I'm not good enough..but  I don't know what parts of me are acceptable..I'm stuck..the I hate myself thinking is alive and well..I hate that I can't die..I hate that I can't be better..be more..be what or who people think I need to be...And that quickly the thoughts have turned back to cutting..to punish..to hurt..because I am just kidding myself with everything and I will keep disappointing everyone and just be awful forever...it's not fair..but that is nothing new..I've spent my whole life wishing to be someone else..someone pretty and liked..but instead I look in the mirror and see myself and I hate me..except speaking in 3rd person makes it turn into I hate you..a constant attack ..a constant thought..having someone..a voice sitting behind me..constantly telling me that I'm stupid and awful and that I should have died a long time ago..that cutting helps..that I can take pills or drink or burn or purge until I feel better...I van destroy myself because no one will notice..no  one will care...and  it will be to late for help because I will gone .

I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to no  think about dying or hurting or any of it..to just have peace and quiet for a while..to be ok..to not go up and down with the moods..to just be ..to be present without fear or wondering..but that is mot for me ...I'm giving up on finding peace or quietness
I want the silence..I want to not be afraid that I'm going to wake up and try to kill myself...Just to be ok...

I have to remember..I have to fight to remember that I'm not alone..that,Sarah is with me..And that I need to trust her to not go away.that I can't drive her away..that she loves me..

I gotta go

im tired

Yesterday was a hard day...My anxiety was really high...I had my work evaluation done..And got my check.. I was able to  pay the rent and mommy and put some money on the water bill...I have enough left for gas and food and cat stuff..with a little bit left over for vday with Sarah..

I know what I want to  get for her and I'm trying to be ok with it..I want to get her so much but I can't afford it...I just feel bad that I can't do the things I want to do...for her..

I've been feeling really depressed and well yesterday super anxious...I'm not liking myself very much and the cutting hasn't increased but it is still  happening..And I'm ashamed that I'm still doing it..that I still want it..but I'm upset that it doesn't work like it did before..the element of release isn't there..it still switches my focus and the pain holds my attention..but I'm not making massive cuts..the pain doesn't stay..And then my thoughts go back to racing..My head loses the battle and the overwhelming thoughts return..the feelings return..and  I can't escape..Maybe I will be able to get the meds with my next check...the money I got advanced wasn't taken out of this check and for that I am grateful because I was able to pay the rent and stuff ..but it may be taken out of the next check..so I'll have to figure that out..but maybe it will work out...

I just need a break..I want April to get here so bad so I can go out of town...I need a vacation...

I'm beginning the search for an apartment..a one bedroom..it is making me a bit anxious...but I'm going to  need to,find a place...

Sarah helped me calm down yesterday and I'm trying to hold on to that calmness..I have to work tomorrow but I'm off Sunday and Saturday..And that makes me happy..I prefer being off those days..but I have to work today and that is ok...

not going to be good

A bunch of little things have become one big thing and i left for work angry...raging and I'm still struggling to calm down... the outcome in my mind to calm down is not a good one but I can't get myself to think of anything but cutting... I'm struggling to even get through work right now...

calming the storm

I am able to breathe right now..the urges to hurt myself are quiet this morning.. I ended up spending the night with Sarah..it was calming to be able to joke and laugh... I have missed that..we have both had so much going on..and its been really serious stuff..so last night was a good break..no worrying or freaking out...just a good time together.. I didn't even realize I was missing it until last night..
Yesterday was just really stressful and a bit triggering.. and I had planned on cutting.. but other things happened instead that made the urges quiet down...so it was good...I think the scars were bothering me yesterday..shame and guilt fighting it out in my head.. not the best day at all...but it ended on a better note and that's good

ugh

So much to write...Ugh I forgot my computer at home of course..crap.

I really really wanted to drain my head but that won't be happening today..Just wanted to write...it takes to long on the kindle...

I'm starting to feel overloaded..

I just need something and I don't know what it is...

blahish

I'm sad that I finished my book..it was a good read...Now I'm stuck waiting for the next one..dang it..Ugh..

I'm bored and want to go  home..but I'm happily using the internet at work...so I guess that is something..

My thoughts and back and forth again...hard to focus..watching the twilight marathon..while I'm sitting here...

I'm thinking about a lot of different things...things I want..things I want to do...I'm pretty sure that I'll just stick to going to nias..in April...if I can just make it through February..And get stuff paid..Maybe by March things will ease up...I know I need to plan for getting a rental and gas and food...I'm not to interested in going anywhere special..I just want to get away..but I know I'll be missing a whole week of work...so I'll need to make sure I have that covered..make sure the rent gets paid...before I disappear for a week...I wish it could be longer..but I guess all I get is a week...Maybe I'll be able to just plan a getaway for Sarah and me for later in the  year...I still really want to go to Maine in the fall... Just to see the  leaves change..I love the fall..Maybe an October trip?? Maybe...oh I want to go to ny though to visit eleni and to ga to visit Angel...Maybe I'll plan those too...smaller trips though..like a weekend or some..And Angel has Andrew..I can't believe he is 2 already..he has gotten so big...Angel is sick though...Maybe I can go visit her sometime soon for a weekend....I think the three of us need  to completely plan a trip together somewhere...you know..Maybe a trip to ga is in order...hmmm I'll talk to Angel about it...

ugh

Today has been harder to manage ..My mood has gone downhill and I'm not feeling good...I've been picking at my fingers and my stomach has been upset all day..I really just want to go home and lay down...I'm tired...I'm feeling really depressed and sick..No not a real good day..actually spent almost the entire shift reading...not really working..must head wasn't with it today at all

be careful

The inmates are running the asylum

Proceed with caution.


I guess the breaking point has been reached


It is what it is

mushy brain

I'm not off until Wed....I can feel my brain turning to mush as we speak...Ugh...trying not to complain...

yesterday

Yesterday was not a good day....by the end of the day I had almost convinced myself that it made sense to die...I didn't die yesterday and didn't cut either..but it is very hard knowing that I was feeling that badly..I have no idea what to do..

I can't get my thinking to calm down...its back and forth between what I think I want to do and what I have already done...punishment and suffering and whether or not I deserve any of this... I just go over and over what I need to do and thoughts of ways to hurt myself win out..I'm planning without even meaning to and it consumes my mind...something is really wrong and I don't know what it is..my few hours of peace are gone and my control is slipping away..and I go back into survival mode and everything is to much to deal with...I go back to wanting to hide and disappear or just go away..but it all goes back to how and what I am planning... where when how what..its all stupid and overwhelming and makes me feel crazy...the paranoia is increasing and I keep feeling like I'm being watched and I don't like that at all...I'm overreacting to something that may not be really happening...everything is bothering me and doing stupid things makes a lot of sense

I don't think my brain can process anything else..I'm sleepy.. just watching the clock... waiting to be able to go home... I just want to hide before I do anything else... I've just been sitting here thinking about cutting... life sucks right now...I don't want any part of it..

.....when did I decide to call it quits?

Todays therapy was useless...my fault really...I wasn't explaining well..I couldn't figure out how to say what's going on...still cutting . Still want to die...still feeling hopeless and useless with life and things...I really don't know what to do...I did clean the cuts this morning... but taking a shower is a chore... it hurts but its what I deserve..

Force a smile for the next eight hours and continue to try to convince myself not to die... I want to go home and not have to deal with work today...but I have to work...but I still want to hide...

My thoughts are a mess today..I feel confused and lost...I don't know what I want or need right now and that is never a good thing...I'm wishing that I had put the razors in my bag...I can't focus...

life wins this round...

So I'm sitting at work..over thinking...trying to figure out what in the world I am going to do...about everything I guess..I'm trying to figure out the best thing..And I guess I am feeling super alone in this struggle..I feel as though I have asked for help so many times..And I'm back in this situation and I'm trying to figure out what to do for myself..How can I manage this...And where am I going to live...it is breaking my heart that I have less than a week to possibly pack up and move...And that I'll be packing up my stuff again and putting it back in storage...I don't want to ask for handouts..My self esteem is taking another massive blow because once again trying my hardest hasn't worked...And I'm looking at some serious decisions...

I saw Anita today and even though I didn't plan to tell her anything..I told her everything...it is easier to,talk when I am doing something else and so we colored today..And I pretty much spilled my guts...I told her I had cut...And she asked me what I wanted for her...in a supportive way ..for the cutting..And I actually answered her...I told her ..that I just wanted her to listen..And she said that she would...We talked about triggers and the cutting and what is going on..I told her it didn't help...And that I was upset about that ...  I did mention that I would probably continue cutting..looking for that release..looking for that little bit of calm...but I did agree that the cutting helps nothing at all..And it doesn't..but I need that calm emptiness so bad that I am willing to keep trying to get it...I can't drink or do drugs..I need to work and be calm and all of that..And cutting allows me to keep up the facade of what everyone assumes I am feeling or doing or how I should be...there is no time for a massive breakdown...so that is where the cutting keeps me in a slightly even mood...I'm trying to be careful..but already the craving for it is back in full force..And I don't have the strength to fight it..I'm trying to keep my wrist covered up...but the planning and plotting of the next time is happening in my head...it is like a drug and it is like chasing a high..Now is not the time I guess to get back my meds.And Anita did tell me that Courtney let her know I'm not taking my blood pressure medicine and that,has her concerned...but with everything that is now going on..I'm not sure I can use the money I'll get on Friday to pay for medicine..so I'm  going to just stay off of them I guess...sadly there isn't much that I can do about it...I have to be strong and in control at all times now..there is no room for any mistakes...I have to keep this mask firmly in place...there is to much uncertainty...And that makes me feel so out of sorts...I guess it makes sense that I have gone backwards looking for comfort in a way...Well to me..but it's going backwards all the same...And I'm caught in the trap again...

Sadly I'm caught in the trap again....And I don't know how this is going to end....

We didn't talk about if I was still feeling suicidal..but the idea I guess is that I am...I'm still not feeling safe with myself and now I have razors..that is a recipe for continued failure..which is what I am...a failure..worthless and stupid...I don't need anyone to agree with me..I know it is true...I wouldn't be in this predicament if I wasn't...I'm working my ass off and still can't get it together..I don't know what I'm doing wrong...I don't understand why I can't manage...I can't catch up financially and it is showing over and over...so once again I have failed in a massive way...

I want to give up..call it quits on everything because things are not really getting better...And I'm tired ... right now I am just so very tired...

and I guess this ends it

Again it is glaringly obvious that I am not seen as anything of importance... again I see how my news made no impact..how it is swept under the rug as if it never happened...if it is ignored then it will go away... again there is no one telling me congratulations.. no one being happy for me..and it hurts because it makes me feel worthless...I am still not good enough..even now... I'm not...and maybe that is the underlying thing that is preventing the suicidal stuff from going away...I just feel as if me trying my hardest isn't enough...

 Wayne has a baby coming..everyone is happy..well except mommy...but it is her grandchild so she won't say anything to them.. but she has said a lot to me and prolly more to Nia...but she isn't ashamed of them..which is what I feel she is about me...at every turn I have failed in someway..I never have been what she wanted.and so my good stuff is never good enough.. and still I try ... if I give her enough she will want me..if I change enough.. if I do what she says or lose weight or get a better job or dress better...change everything that I continue to fall at..maybe that will change her mind about me...maybe it will allow her to like me...

The thoughts take hold...that I'll never be good enough and should just die...so convincing...I'm once again stuck wishing for something that won't happen I guess...and that just hurts

agitation

Right now my anxiety is going crazy..I'm overly anxious..fidgeting..nervous.. jumpy...I can't relax and I'm staying tense which means my body hurts..my back and shoulders carry the weight of it...my ideas to make it better may make things worse...

crap

I realize a little bit late that I am triggered and that is why I didn't want to come to the hospital...its hard and of course I couldn't say the real reason for why I didn't want to come..I'm annoyed and anxious and sick to death of everyone making excuses for this particular resident..its not fair and it makes me angry..the convo today centered around her meds made her do it...I'm all for giving benefit of the doubt..but I was on shift before this happened and she was talking and joking..she had gotten her meds maybe 30 mins before.. and she was given cigarettes because she was feeling unsafe...so her needs were met...the only change was a new staff person being on the shift..she is showing what she can and will do...in my opinion.. not that anyone has asked...but again I already know how this goes..I know the ropes..the ins and out..and again..I fully believe it is all a choice...I can choose to cut..I have to get the razors..etc..no one is holding my hand or making me do anything..maybe I am being harsh..but there are standards and taking responsibility..ugh .. everything can't be an excuse and I make excuses all the time for not doing things...but the mental health stuff..is tricky..Yes..My brain is wired wrong..Yes I learned a lot of wrong things thinking and believing that they were right..I learned that I had to protect myself..by whatever I had to do or say...so taking responsibility is very hard..but the cutting and stuff..I have to take responsibility ..I did it..it's confusing...it really is..there is always something I am going for with the cutting an  stuff..an escape or numbness or a release of pressure..to give myself something to focus on in a sea of overwhelming thoughts...ugh..why am I trying so hard to explain things...it is just I keep getting set off and I feel guilty that I have n  sympathy for her...actions speak louder than words and it is her actions that I see..words mean nothing if her actions are constantly showing otherwise...

finally

I'm finally off for three days in a row ..I'm worn out..this week has been very hard ..Just with how I'm feeling and work being triggering..And the extra shifts..and not having a real break...My body hurts and my anxiety is up...My thoughts are heavy and bleek...there is an incredible need to just hide from everything..I don't know

ice

I'm back to wanting to chew ice again... I'm very anxious...nervous...on edge...I want to jump out of my skin..ugh..restarted the prozac this morning... yes..now I know why the meds I have are put together..damnit

My brain is full...I'm tired and cranky and craving a serious break...from life.from everything..I'm tired..I cant seem to get a grip on the suicidal stuff..and wanting to cut
.I told courtney today how I am feeling and that I can't promise my own safety..that im plotting and planning something...anything...

well

It is unsettling to realize that life goes on..regardless of how I am feeling..nothing stops even though I'm overwhelmed and just sad..really sad....I don't really know what to do with myself..I haven't managed to get a hold the razors I want..so haven't cut..the thoughts are still there..wanting something to just ease some of the turmoil inside...again made it to work and today I'm worn out..working like 12 hours today and still have the rest of the week to get through...I'm tired..I don't have the energy..I have to convince myself to take a shower..getting in the shower this morning was physically painful..And took forever..I want to sleep..I really do..the moments of clarity are hard because I can see how things are..but the other feelings come.back..they keep coming back...I see.Courtney tomorrow..as long as the weather isn't crappy...Maybe she will figure things out...

sigh

I wish...I knew what to say tto make things calmer inn my head.but I can't..it's taking all of my energy to even be at work...as the night goes on my will to fight decreases and I don't know what to do...I'm watching the clock..willing it to move so that I can go..this this one of those nights that the pressure in my head is to much...And need to get it out..I'm..overly anxious and thinking to much..I'm not that worried about cutting...I almost want to just to get the thoughts   to stop...I don't know

sadly

I couldn't promise my safety to anita....I contracted to show up next week...but I can't be sure I won't cut...I already am planning....just a matter of time.. I can't win this fight

daily battle...

Self esteem is at an all time low...been fighting it out in my head for the past few days..I certainly have not won..the negative depression has won...that is never good

on overload

This is going to take a while to write..I have a lot on my mind and can't seem to figure anything out so maybe writing is the last resort before my thinking turns to other things that I know will cause me to numb out and not have to think of anything at all...My brain is working overtime and it is frustrating that I am thinking so much about so many different things and can't get it to slow down or stop...

I'm thinking about what I talked about with Anita and I just feel so stupid about it all..I mean why did I think this would be any different from anything else I have done or expected from mommy...I really still wanted her approval and so the rejection was awful..but I should have realized that my wants were just not realistic..not at all..when Anita told me that she was not surprised it completely threw me because I hadn't even considered that mommy would do the same thing..or that I had described her so much and talked about her so much that her reaction as viewed by someone else is normal for her..I didn't see that..Maybe I wasn't looking for it..I don't know...Maybe I am being unfair and childish with my demand that everyone should be happy for me...I know it's not fair to think that and everyone is entitled to there own feelings and everything..but it is my thinking that is screwed up..it is wanting everyone to be on my side that is screwed up...so I need to kind of regroup and come to terms with the fact that no not everyone is going to be happy and not everyone is going to care...but the good thing is that no one else matters anymore..Well their opinions do not have the same unyielding grip that I struggled with before...And that is what I am trying to get used to..Well deal with...I am able to separate out things a bit more these days but it still takes a while to reach an agreement with myself on things..I haven't gotten there yet..but i will..And I do have friends who are happy for me...who are supportive and caring...and that needs to be enough..the never-ending quest for mommy's approval is what needs to end ... not sure how but it does...it doesn't do anything but cause more heartache and pain and hurt feelings...I haven't brought up the conversation again with mommy's or nia...I may be able to say ok I can respect how you  feel but I have no desire to have my own feelings minimized or picked on for any reason...I'm not up for a you need to rethink this or your making the wrong decision conversation..I really don't..so I will talk about and plan things with Sarah...And others...And my family I guess can have all the time they need...to decide how they feel about things...I really hate that I don't feel comfortable having Sarah come home with me and stuff..And knowing that she doesn't feel comfortable makes me sad too...Maybe in time it will be better...who knows...like..planned to go visit nia..And stay for a week..with Sarah of course..but knowing how mommy and now feel makes me just question whether it is a good idea...I don't want it to become a I'm doing everything for Sarah and that's not okay type thing...I wish they could be around Sarah with her power chair but they don't ..And I want them to see how things really are..but they don't And it's not fair..but life isn't fair I guess...I don't know though ...

Things at work are sometimes really frustrating..but I try hard not to let it get me..sometimes it does take some time to calm down...but I keep telling myself that I have a job and so that is important...

My finances are a hellish thing..right now..I'm struggling big time...but thankfully I am getting 40 hours..for the past couple weeks I've gotten 40 hours ..so then I will have a little bit more to work with..to catch up on bills with pretty much...all it is right now is bills..which is so depressing...a little bit left over for food and gas and the cats at least...but again I have to be so careful because one wrong thing and I'll to borrow money for gas or something and I'm trying my hardest to get back to being more self sufficient...I can't keep borrowing money..or else i will never get out of this hole that I'm in...again I'm really hoping that I get back something from taxes...Just to be able to catch up and breathe..My next check will be for utilities..I can't believe that the water bill is so expensive..ugh..so just going day by day...And trying to keep my head above water..

Random note..I would kill for a shower right now..My roommate pissed me off this morning about the water..like I would lie about that...but the maintenance ppl got the water working again..because like I said ..the water was on..the bill is due but it is not horribly late yet and it will be paid...Just have to wait..an  My next check will cover those bills...water..electric..cable..And paying some to Wayne...because once I'm done paying them all back I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be able to manage...

I know I have to start looking at what I will be doing in 5 months with my living arrangement...I'm thinking that I'll go back to renting a room..because I have to many bills right now and can't keep up..I just need a break before I completely crack under the pressure..I'll start looking into that though..which means finding a place for taji and bounce..I love them..more than anything..but I can't keep locking them up in one room..taji is way to active for that...she is struggling and yeah...I just don't want them to keep suffering on my account...so I'll start looking into something for them...And I'll have to get used to the idea that I can't keep them..

I keep telling myself things are going to work out..  try to keep telling myself that things will work out..that things will be okay.. I'm trying to convince myself of that..

My health is getting bad..Well I'm making bad choices and I know better..My stomach is not happy lately .. And I know I'm eating junk food..And drinking way to much soda...I do know this..And some days it's not so bad..but some days it is just awful..I need to get my meds refilled and finish off the vitamin d ...I need to check my blood sugar and it is horrible just how slack I have become..I need to do better..  I really do..I need to make an appointment to see Courtney..And talk about my meds again...I'm not sure what I want to do but I think I just need a little bit of help...to maintain...the urges are stronger..I'm much quicker to anger..much more easily angered...racing thoughts and so on and so forth...Yeah...seeing Courtney may be a very good idea...And then I'll figure out what to do about the meds and paying for them...I've gone almost 3 full months with nothing and now things are beginning to slip into that space of all or nothing...And nothing is winning out..slowly but surely...

So maybe that is what has been on my mind...a lot of stuff..

whatever

For someone who said to not talk about it..she won't leave it alone..so yes she is quite right in that my happiness doesn't depend on her at all..im just trying to deal with my hurt feelings..nothing more..nothing less...

trouble never goes away

I'm so upset and still trying to gain control over how I am feeling and trying to get the tears to stop...I can't seem to stop thinking that I'm just screwing everything up..And that mommy seriously told me that I had ruined her day when I told her that I thought she would be happy for me.. a lot about how she doesn't agree with it and that she would be fine with me and Sarah being lifelong friends..like I am 5 ... it makes me tired and I feel so useless.I know that things are really bad for me.right now...but they could be worse..I'm not getting married tomorrow..I'm not making plans to suddenly have so many options or plans...I'm not expecting that getting engaged is going to suddenly make my life so much better...No..I just wanted it for what it is ..a happy space in a massive sea of depression and struggling..I wasn't looking for a life changing event..I just wanted my little bit of happiness...And mommy doesn't approve because Sarah is in a wheelchair..she has asked me not to say anything about it..the engagement..And that pretty much means not to put it on Facebook...And by what she said today she has rejected me in so many ways and I don't know why it has even surprised me..Maybe I really truly thought that she would be happy..And that it would be ok...  I must have been holding one to those hopes for a long time because she started to rant and I began to shutdown...I couldn't argue..there was no point..does she really think that I would do something like this on an impulse? Me??everything has been called into question and that upsets me...I can't ...I just want to turn my brain off..to erase the hurt and sadness and go back to feeling content and happy...it was just a few hours but I want it back..instead I keep thinking about all she said and making conclusions and I don't know what to say..I talked to Sarah and her feelings are hurt and that makes me sad too...for such a happy day there is a lot of sadness going on...I just want to sleep for awhile..I have a headache and I don't want to even look at my phone for a while...I don't want to talk to anyone at all right now..

I know that there are friends happy for me..And that I should be doing what makes me happy but that doesn't stop the sadness...self medicating shall began asap...pick your poison...

No I don't think that this will be made all better overnight..once again I am left grieving for something I have never gotten..or will get..so I guess it just takes time to get used to the idea and accept it...accept that this part of my life is just not something that will be accepted or acknowledged...And that hurts...a lot ..she acts as if I have said nothing and I guess to her I didn't...I didn't say anything...it never happened..I told nia to forget I said anything...And I'm fine..I'm always fucking fine..this is no different..Yeah I'm fine...

a beautiful day

Yesterday was the best day I have had in a long time. It was special and happy and I'm so glad it happened and that my mood didn't ruin things...

This is my necklace, from Sarah. A proposal an  I said yes.  We picked it out and finally got  to go  And look for it yesterday. It was the last one .. And we were able to get it. Of course I wore it for the rest of the day and loved it..I'm proud of my necklace. 

Then we went out to lunch at applebees and Sarah would have gotten dessert first for my benefit..but I was hungry and actually wanted real food.. but we did get dessert and it was a chocolate overload in deliciousness.

I told nia and a couple friends yesterday..they are  happy for me..I told them I was happy and I meant it..coming out of 2014 ..Sarah has been the only consistent person in my life..she could have walked away from me and my troubles and issues so many times..And she didn't..there are so many things to take into account..but the biggest is that regardless of everything..she is still here for me...And well she has seen me naked.. haha

But really..with everything that has gone one..what we have dealt with together..the obstacles and let downs and arguments we have faced from family and friends..every single aspect has been questioned and torn apart...And we are still standing by each other.

I asked Sarah the other week about if someone else would be able to convince her that I was too much to deal with..And Sarah told me the choice is hers to make..And she is right..And I trust her..And again she is still here..she knows my past and my present..the painful secret things that still hurt me..she knows what I think..what I like..shoot she prolly knows me better than I do..

But I guess I say all of this to kind of know where my thinking is..to know that I am not walking into this major thing with my eyes closed and hoping for the best...No... I think that I know and understand exactly what I am getting into.. that my life is no longer just me..it's now me and Sarah and well it has been for a long time...I have my life and she has hers..but now they are just even more mixed up together than ever...And that is ok with me..

With so much sadness going around..I am clinging to my happiness and well that happiness  is centered around Sarah..I'm not missing out on anything..which I know is what mommy will mention..I don't need all that much..I just want to be needed and wanted and not for what I may be able to do for someone.

Crap..Sarah's wheelchair would be the least of my worries..And I know that is another argument that will come up..I could explain how we actually use her chair but umm yeah...that is not for everyone to know!! But good heavens it's only a wheelchair..it's not the end of the world..I'm not going to miss out on anything because of her chair..it's easy to work with her chair and everything..

You know Sarah hasn't tried to change me and I haven't tried to change her...I'm glad that we don't and haven't done the whole -I'm with you to make you better or to fix you or something- there is nothing wrong or broken with either of us...We have things to work on..but we accept each other for who we are...family and all..Sarah has met my family and so I'm thinking that the next step is for me to actually meet hers..I've been avoiding it..majorly avoiding it..but I guess that little ship has sailed and its time to meet them..I may die from anxiety but we will see...

I guess I just want to hang on to these feelings...I am able to feel safe and calm with her..And with being around her..And I don't want that to change...

mad

Super angry..but not feeling good dulls the responses...mommy called and again yelled about the car and my college stuff .. i was sleep before she called because I'm tired and prolly sick and I have to go to work...ended up losing my temper and yelling..I tried to stop and not say anything.. but now I'm just really angry and annoyed..I don't remember a lot of stuff and ugh just fuck it