crap

I realize a little bit late that I am triggered and that is why I didn't want to come to the hospital...its hard and of course I couldn't say the real reason for why I didn't want to come..I'm annoyed and anxious and sick to death of everyone making excuses for this particular resident..its not fair and it makes me angry..the convo today centered around her meds made her do it...I'm all for giving benefit of the doubt..but I was on shift before this happened and she was talking and joking..she had gotten her meds maybe 30 mins before.. and she was given cigarettes because she was feeling unsafe...so her needs were met...the only change was a new staff person being on the shift..she is showing what she can and will do...in my opinion.. not that anyone has asked...but again I already know how this goes..I know the ropes..the ins and out..and again..I fully believe it is all a choice...I can choose to cut..I have to get the razors..etc..no one is holding my hand or making me do anything..maybe I am being harsh..but there are standards and taking responsibility..ugh .. everything can't be an excuse and I make excuses all the time for not doing things...but the mental health stuff..is tricky..Yes..My brain is wired wrong..Yes I learned a lot of wrong things thinking and believing that they were right..I learned that I had to protect myself..by whatever I had to do or say...so taking responsibility is very hard..but the cutting and stuff..I have to take responsibility ..I did it..it's confusing...it really is..there is always something I am going for with the cutting an  stuff..an escape or numbness or a release of pressure..to give myself something to focus on in a sea of overwhelming thoughts...ugh..why am I trying so hard to explain things...it is just I keep getting set off and I feel guilty that I have n  sympathy for her...actions speak louder than words and it is her actions that I see..words mean nothing if her actions are constantly showing otherwise...