writing..reflections ...boredom

so i ended up not going to work today because of the water issue and well i wanted to take a shower..they came and looked at it in the early afternoon and it was back on like 3 hours later..im currently trying to do laundry and what not while i have the chance and while i have the apartment to myself...i did my hair and ive cleaned up my room finally...taji has been peeing on everything and so it is a pain and i needed to mop the floor so that it would not smell like her personal bathroom pit stop anymore...but for the most part my room is in wonderful order and it smells like apples ... i love that cleaning stuff...it smells really good...but generally its been a pretty i dont know sort of day..woke up angry..and pissed off..found out about the water not working and just kind of stayed pissed off...so i ended up calling out from work..and now ive been asked to do a double tomorrow...and i said i would if the weather permits...if i wake up in the morning and there is a couple inches of snow on the ground im not going in..and i let her know that..ive already told her that i cant drive in the show and im not comfortable doing it..so we will see how the weather holds up..just in case i am bringing extra stuff with me..and food of course since i will be there all freaking day..ugh..that is going to suck horribly..but ill get all my hours for the week..and the schedule for next week is actually already out and im going to be off all weekend..yay...im gonna just hang out at sarahs of  course for the weekend..and maybe my mood will hold out...im considering my medicine and how i can get it filled..not sure ill be getting anything at all back from taxes because of some random medical bill i have that i dont even remember..essh..but im just not even counting on that one anymore..so on to my next plan...sadly ive come to the decision that i will not be going to see nia at all for now..not until i can get them paid back...and so that means no visiting ...because it would be hellishly wrong to visit knowing i owe them a bounce of money and what not..so to avoid that ..ill be paying them back first..which means no visiting anyone or going anywhere and that just makes me sad...i know i just should work on working and paying bills but that is all i do..i work so freaking much..and have nothing to show for it at all...so not being able to go anywhere just really makes me sad...there is not really anything to look forward too..the months will pass and there will be nothing of interest going on...maybe ill be able to go and see wayne and the boys and courtney when the baby is born for a couple days...i just feel like im missing out on everything..and it triggers the depression in an even bigger way..im trying to hang on..and deal with it...but the sadness wins out...the overload on criminal minds may not be helping at all..but dang it..im addicted ...maybe ill take my prescriptions to walmart and see how much they cost...get back some of them..a few at a time...i know i need to be on all of them..both the ones for physical stuff and mental stuff..but if i cant get the mental stuff under control better then i wont be willing to take the other ones at all ..because i tend to get hooked on the i am fine thinking and well if i think im fine then no amount of trying to convince me otherwise will work..right now my self care is lacking a lot..ok im pretty much not doing it in any way at all...again ..knowing i should and actually doing it are not the same thing..so i go up and down with my moods and well the outcome is that i lay in bed and only get up when im stuck going to work..shoot half the time im at sarahs im laying down ..ha sometimes laying down is fun..but sometimes im really truly just laying down to lay down..blah..depressing stuff today it seems ... i dont know..head is in a weird random and disjointed place tonight...i think im getting more agitated for some reason..i dont know ...maybe if the weather holds ..i can take some of my prescriptions in somewhere and see how much they will cost...i should go check my laundry ... this wifi thing though may be a huge lifesaver !! i can be online a little bit..well ill only use it on days that im not working of course..but i get to be online..and use my computer again..and that keeps me a little bit busier...hmmm ok ..kitchen to cook and clean and then more crimnal minds and wasting time so that ill go to bed early hopefully so i can get up at 5am tomorrow to go to work...