who saves the day?

you know ..i watch all of these shows..svu, csi, criminal minds, etc...knowing that to many at once is an overload and will cause some adverse reactions...but i keep watching them..over and over i watch them..my current show in criminal minds...but if i know the shows are a trigger ..why do i put myself through it over and over again..what is the point exactly???

ive watched 5 episodes of criminal minds in a row today..and im at the point now where i need to stop watching..for my own sanity..but the last episode was about a kid who had been kidnapped..you go through all the stasistics about how after a certain number of hours the ability to find the child alive like get cut in half ... but they found her...she will need therapy for the rest of her life but they found her..unharmed..and was able to give her back to her parents...thats the important piece..they are saving these people...kids and adults who get caught up in some messed up things..and things shows are based on life..i cant watch them and just think oh this will never happen..its to far fetched..who would steal a kid or sale a kid ..so on and so forth...i watch the shows because i know that they will catch the bad guys..i need to see them catch the bad guys..its really important to me...its because they go looking for these kids and people and do everything that can to make things right ...they care and they support ..

and i go back to wishing my life could have been a tv show..where i am lost and found all in 60 mins...that there is a way to let go of the bad stuff and move on...but thats not my life..no i was lost in the cracks and left to my own defenses ..and i am where i am now..and the old questions still plague me...what did i ever do ?  how come i couldnt pick my parents?  why did i end up with two sets of parents who didnt want me?  but there was no one looking for me or helping me..and so here i am..all broken and useless .. waiting to be saved..still waiting ...