lack of beauty and ramblings

there has been a lot on my mind recently...self esteem and confidence are really low..and i just spend a lot of time wishing i could be someone else..anyone else...im ashamed of the scars..and feel ugly..i look in the mirror and the negative stuff starts up immediately..i try to stop it or think of other things to fight them with..but instead all i end up doing is wishing that i could be a beautiful person..someone who is wanted and needed...and instead all i have is me..all i am is me..and that depresses me a lot...i just feel like i should be better..i should be doing more..i should be fighting to get healthy and to be happy...but the more i try the more i sabotage it all and then stop caring ..and yes it is a vicious cycle that i am stuck in...the disordered eating stuff hasnt exactly picked up but the thoughts are there...and now with all of my stomach issues ..it is all just a pain..i wish i could accept myself and who i am..and i think i have times when i get really close to doing it..to accepting and letting things go..but then i stop..or something gets to me and i start the whole process all over again..and it is frustrating..i try to avoid the mirrors because i dont want to look at myself...and i think some of it also has to do with being on fetlife and seeing people post all these cool pictures and stuff..but i am so scarred that i could never do that...not that i would be comfortable with it anyway i dont think..but still even on a site where anything goes..i am still censoring things...fear,,judgement, shame and guilt all play a part in it..and i guess with the shame issues picking up...i am once again remembering why it is that i am my own worst enemy..i just feel so stupid for evening worrying about this...but all my life ive been told and asked 'why cant i be like so and so' ... i was doomed to failure from the get go..trying to achieve what someone else has..or trying to be like someone else..and i cant do it..and so i keep failing and yeah this whole thing is depressing me hell out of me..but i need to get the thoughts out ..and keep them slightly separate..but i see it all..and the paranoia starts and i swear im being watched and judged..like everyone has xray vision and im the joke that everyone is making fun of and laughing at .. i dont feel pretty or special often..and really the only person who does make me feel pretty is sarah..but im not going to go finishing for compliments just so that i feel better about myself...this is just one of those if i had grown up different..how different would i be ? would i be the same person?