on overload

This is going to take a while to write..I have a lot on my mind and can't seem to figure anything out so maybe writing is the last resort before my thinking turns to other things that I know will cause me to numb out and not have to think of anything at all...My brain is working overtime and it is frustrating that I am thinking so much about so many different things and can't get it to slow down or stop...

I'm thinking about what I talked about with Anita and I just feel so stupid about it all..I mean why did I think this would be any different from anything else I have done or expected from mommy...I really still wanted her approval and so the rejection was awful..but I should have realized that my wants were just not realistic..not at all..when Anita told me that she was not surprised it completely threw me because I hadn't even considered that mommy would do the same thing..or that I had described her so much and talked about her so much that her reaction as viewed by someone else is normal for her..I didn't see that..Maybe I wasn't looking for it..I don't know...Maybe I am being unfair and childish with my demand that everyone should be happy for me...I know it's not fair to think that and everyone is entitled to there own feelings and everything..but it is my thinking that is screwed up..it is wanting everyone to be on my side that is screwed up...so I need to kind of regroup and come to terms with the fact that no not everyone is going to be happy and not everyone is going to care...but the good thing is that no one else matters anymore..Well their opinions do not have the same unyielding grip that I struggled with before...And that is what I am trying to get used to..Well deal with...I am able to separate out things a bit more these days but it still takes a while to reach an agreement with myself on things..I haven't gotten there yet..but i will..And I do have friends who are happy for me...who are supportive and caring...and that needs to be enough..the never-ending quest for mommy's approval is what needs to end ... not sure how but it does...it doesn't do anything but cause more heartache and pain and hurt feelings...I haven't brought up the conversation again with mommy's or nia...I may be able to say ok I can respect how you  feel but I have no desire to have my own feelings minimized or picked on for any reason...I'm not up for a you need to rethink this or your making the wrong decision conversation..I really don't..so I will talk about and plan things with Sarah...And others...And my family I guess can have all the time they need...to decide how they feel about things...I really hate that I don't feel comfortable having Sarah come home with me and stuff..And knowing that she doesn't feel comfortable makes me sad too...Maybe in time it will be better...who knows...like..planned to go visit nia..And stay for a week..with Sarah of course..but knowing how mommy and now feel makes me just question whether it is a good idea...I don't want it to become a I'm doing everything for Sarah and that's not okay type thing...I wish they could be around Sarah with her power chair but they don't ..And I want them to see how things really are..but they don't And it's not fair..but life isn't fair I guess...I don't know though ...

Things at work are sometimes really frustrating..but I try hard not to let it get me..sometimes it does take some time to calm down...but I keep telling myself that I have a job and so that is important...

My finances are a hellish thing..right now..I'm struggling big time...but thankfully I am getting 40 hours..for the past couple weeks I've gotten 40 hours ..so then I will have a little bit more to work with..to catch up on bills with pretty much...all it is right now is bills..which is so depressing...a little bit left over for food and gas and the cats at least...but again I have to be so careful because one wrong thing and I'll to borrow money for gas or something and I'm trying my hardest to get back to being more self sufficient...I can't keep borrowing money..or else i will never get out of this hole that I'm in...again I'm really hoping that I get back something from taxes...Just to be able to catch up and breathe..My next check will be for utilities..I can't believe that the water bill is so expensive..ugh..so just going day by day...And trying to keep my head above water..

Random note..I would kill for a shower right now..My roommate pissed me off this morning about the water..like I would lie about that...but the maintenance ppl got the water working again..because like I said ..the water was on..the bill is due but it is not horribly late yet and it will be paid...Just have to wait..an  My next check will cover those bills...water..electric..cable..And paying some to Wayne...because once I'm done paying them all back I want to be able to stand on my own two feet and be able to manage...

I know I have to start looking at what I will be doing in 5 months with my living arrangement...I'm thinking that I'll go back to renting a room..because I have to many bills right now and can't keep up..I just need a break before I completely crack under the pressure..I'll start looking into that though..which means finding a place for taji and bounce..I love them..more than anything..but I can't keep locking them up in one room..taji is way to active for that...she is struggling and yeah...I just don't want them to keep suffering on my account...so I'll start looking into something for them...And I'll have to get used to the idea that I can't keep them..

I keep telling myself things are going to work out..  try to keep telling myself that things will work out..that things will be okay.. I'm trying to convince myself of that..

My health is getting bad..Well I'm making bad choices and I know better..My stomach is not happy lately .. And I know I'm eating junk food..And drinking way to much soda...I do know this..And some days it's not so bad..but some days it is just awful..I need to get my meds refilled and finish off the vitamin d ...I need to check my blood sugar and it is horrible just how slack I have become..I need to do better..  I really do..I need to make an appointment to see Courtney..And talk about my meds again...I'm not sure what I want to do but I think I just need a little bit of help...to maintain...the urges are stronger..I'm much quicker to anger..much more easily angered...racing thoughts and so on and so forth...Yeah...seeing Courtney may be a very good idea...And then I'll figure out what to do about the meds and paying for them...I've gone almost 3 full months with nothing and now things are beginning to slip into that space of all or nothing...And nothing is winning out..slowly but surely...

So maybe that is what has been on my mind...a lot of stuff..