hating mother's day

I have tried today to feel something other than sadness and hate for today and I can't.... I want so much to be happy but I'm filled with hurt and anger instead.... the questions surrounding my adoption have no answers so I come to my own conclusion... some one threw me and my sister away ..even. in the very beginning I wasn't wanted... who took care of me I'm the couple years my sister lived? I don't blame her for taking all the attention ..it is just...I was hard wired to be ignored and forgotten..and then i got older and had the joy of living in fear...learning to fear.. wishing to die and looking for an escape... from my life...from my mother... I don't feel anything special about today.. I made my customary phone call this morning..sounding happy and in a good mood... but it was soul crushing...pretending to care on a day that means nothing to me..maybe going home is a mistake waiting to happening..I'm not good enough yet...I have to become good enough first... I need to not eat so much...I need to do more...be more....I just don't know