i have been avoiding writing like the plague and as a result my thoughts are begining to become repeatitive and obsessive and a lot of things are just making me feel so sad...i dont even know where to begin right now...my mind is so full but im so tired..my energy is gone..i feel like i cant function right now..it is 1:30am and im awake because i wasnt able to leave work again until 12am...another no communication so i wasnt expecting it..and all i got was a sorry...im sick..im worn out...im just tired and as the days go on i just get more tired..of struggling and trying and failing ... over and over the same things and i just end up feeling so disappointed and upset with myself a nd i want to lash out but i cant do that either...i dont have the energy...but whats going on..maybe ill make a list...
- the bleeding is stopping..i went on thursday and was able to get my shot ...which as i suspected practicly stopped the bleeding within 24hours...part of me wants to say im fine and not go to the gyno appointment..but im still cramping and it is still pain..and it is something that i dont want to happen again..so ill keep the appointment...but i havent gotten my info stuff either..so ill have to call access now on monday to ask about that...with all the bleeding ive been told that i am anemic again...i can craving ice again...
- allergies have begun to kick my butt..and im not feeling so great in general right now...my throat, eyes, ears, and nose are itching so much..im been sneezing and coughing..so i guess a trip to the drug store is in order...i need to get my meds refilled anyway...and im just beginning to strress out about money..
- money issues are getting to me again...im working my ass off and there is nothing to show for it ..i cant afford to move..but staying will come with a high high price..and i dont know..right now im feeling like such an awful person that i wonder if keeping taji and bounce is even a good idea...i cant see life without them..but im not able to care for them properly either and it worries me..a lot..but money for bills and rent and meds and phone and all of it is just stressing me out..and paying nia and rob back..
- my a1c is on the rise..it is actually above 8 right now..and that is not good at all...im scared and worried..wondering what ive done so wrong with..diet..no exercise..what...its jumped 2 points in 6 months...ive only been back on the meds for a month and still forgot sometimes to take the evening dose...the doc called me on friday to tell me this and i immediately became worried...she is changing my med to see if it helps and wants me to see the nutritionist..and im just afraid..
-applying for jobs...and getting interviews is making me nervous..i want a new job..i need a new job...i can do more with myself and my career if i would just believe in myself..its so hard for me to believe in myself..and i did freak out a little bit on friday when i had the interview and ended up talking to both courtney and anita on thursday..and had a very small talk with anita on friday afternoon...shoot im ready to go to the group just to get more time with her...
-my needs for comfort and attention are at an all time high..ive been not feeling good for so long and i just want someone to take care of me...i can go to sarah sometimes and just lay in her bed and cry from the pain and overwhelmedness like i did the other weekend..but she stayed with me..but i dont get to see her every day..i dont get hugs or feel important on a daily basis..and now with her family back in town..im trying to be suportive of her and still managain to some how lose my mind with worry and anxiety when she is with them..i dont mean to..but i keep freaking out...ive talked to her about it..cried about it..obsessed about it..felt selfish and mean for feeling the way i feel..im trying to understand and trust that i will not be abandoned..that i wont be left alone...sarah tells me that i am important to her...the most important person to her..and that she isnt going anywhere...the old fears and insecurities are popping up..worrying about how i was told that im to selfish to ever get married or be loved...feeling that im only good or needed when someone wants something from me...that i cant say no because ill be left alone..that i really am just an awful person and deserve to be alone because i am so complicated to deal with..and ive spent so long convincing myself that i would be alone..that i would never have anyone love me..and that changing is still hard...but its the random moments we have together where things are just what they are..we talk..we laugh..its silly..its fun..it makes me feel loved..and that i matter..that i can be myself..wether im just sitting in her room crying my eyes out for some reason or talking about sarahs umm dressing style...it really is the little things..like watching a whole movie and her holding my hand for the whole movie..i didnt ask and neither did see..but it happened...and i keep thinking of anita asking me what love means for me..and i think that is it...yes it is having someone accept me as i am..but its so much more than that too..its having someone to laugh with, to cry with..no questions asked..no judgements..being forgiven ..and not giving up on each other...being supportive..we hold each other up..no matter the issue..we are consistent for each other..we can sit in silence and i dont feel afraid..i dont feel i have anything to prove..she knows everything already...she stayed with me when i had nothing at all..she has helped me with various things even though i struggled to accept the help...but yes..it is a lot..but i think i feel it the most with the little things...the things that i dont ask for but somehow she knows i will like or will help me feel better...and thats why im trying so very hard to calm down the jealousy stuff...with her and courtney and anita..people who dont judge me and give me attention for the positive stuff..i dont have to beg for there attention or use negative stuff to get there attention..my brain knows this but my thoughts continue to push the boundaries...continue to try and get more from them.to get everything from them...they have to fill up the emptiness inside of me..i need them to feel confident and happy and supportive and non judgemental of me,,i need them to tell me things that i am good at and point out the things that i am not seeing or when i am manipulating..or not listening..or pulling me out of my head when things get to hard to deal with and i am shutting down...i cant do it myself..i dont know how..but the emptiness is always there..the need for acceptance is always there..
-im sad that my relationship with sarah is not considered important by others...like mommy asks about how sarah is doing but nothing about planning a wedding...i guess i know where nia stands on the issue...yvonne hasnt mentioned it or talked to me about it..and understanding that sarahs family is not feeling happy about me...and i guess my feelings are hurt about it..no im not in a place to plan a wedding..but i just want it to be acknowledged...its important to me..but i can only show that to sarah..and well courtney and anita..i wish people were more understanding...and as much as the odds are stacked against us in a million and one ways...we are still sticking together..and pushing through...because its like ok ..interracial relationship..then a lesbian relationship..and then the wheelchair...i find it funny that the most important issue for my family is the wheelchair...of all the things..its that dang wheelchair...but again my life is here with sarah..maybe i just wish we could do more stuff...but then my stupid issues with being social and whatnot come up and its like no id rather just stay with you at your place...maybe that will change with time..and a heck of a lot of practice because i know that sarah does enjoy going out and stuff..
-a work issue came up the other day...regarding me being a cutter and the resident that i generally dont like...she said something about me telling her that i thought she was harming herself and she started crying..and blah blah blah..we had a conversation..about coping and being strong and resisting the urges...but my supervisor pulled me into the office and talked to me about it...because of course the resident told what we talked about it..and i guess again my feelings were hurt..but that i something i should have expected to happen...i mean the resident has known since like my second or third week of working here...and my issues will not be used against me...me making stupid decisions has been used against me..but i refuse to let the mental stuff be a deciding factor or excuse in anything...which is why i refuse to go the disabled route..i dont want the label...i dont want my issues to become all that anyone knows about me...and believe me..not many people know about my issues..hiding and pretending and being ok is the story of my life..but the cutting and scars ... they arent going anywhere and i told my supervisor that...that i have to live with my actions for the rest of my life...that i was in therapy and taking my meds...everything that ppl want to hear..to keep up the image of being ok..who wants to hear that i am feeling depressed or that i may or may not be suicidal ..or how im really depressed and not just tired some days...that i can only do with my very small circle of support ppl...but yeah i was just hurt by all of it..i mean she cant use it against me..my work proves that i am able to do my job...but can i be fired for being depressed and in therapy?
-im still working on that personal mission statement...i think about it alot..but i just cant figure out how to word it..how to write it...how to believe it..but its on my mind ...
i guess those are the major issues on my mind right now...a lot...and it really is bogging me down..im so tired...of the medical stuff..and not understanding my body ..not caring enough to stick to anything..i feel like a fialure at life..at my health..at all of it..because i just want be ok..and things keep happening that prove im not ...and i feel even stupider going to the doc with all these issues and i cant even give a real family background because of being adopted..there are no answers..there is nothing to go on..and my mind runs awaay with the fear of something serious going on..of being told that i will actually never be able to have children...of taking away my option to have kids...its all making me sad
i guess i just emptied my head..maybe ill just ty to go to bed now,,or try to sleep..fighting the meds it seems tonight..but i really did need to write
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