The mask I wear is constant..immediate..I still rely on it to hide from everyone..to hide from the world...it is still firmly in place..after all these years..I can't seem to let it go for long...I got my evaluation at work on Friday and it is making me anxious..the last job I had..I literally lost my job like a few days after the evaluation was done..so I'm a little bit freaked...I got a good evaluation...I was told I am positive and what not all the time..And I looked at her lime she had lost her mind..I told her I thought I was going to be fired..I didn't tell her that often I come to work suicidal or stressed to the point of crying..or feeling afraid and all the recent cutting....but that isn't for anyone to know and so the mask stays in place..it's hard and tiring and that is why I guess the isolation is still so important..I get tired of pretending that I have things all together..because then no one believes me when things have fallen apart..I never act sad..I get very quiet..but I blame my off days on being tired or not feeling well..those are acceptable answers..I'm depressed and suicidal..or anxious are not acceptable..not to mention I would most likely be fired..because I'm completely crazy and make stupid choices and get myself in trouble and I just want to scream some days when I can't get my head to work correctly.. I want to be something ..someone..anything that I'm not..I'm not good enough..but I don't know what parts of me are acceptable..I'm stuck..the I hate myself thinking is alive and well..I hate that I can't die..I hate that I can't be better..be more..be what or who people think I need to be...And that quickly the thoughts have turned back to cutting..to punish..to hurt..because I am just kidding myself with everything and I will keep disappointing everyone and just be awful forever...it's not fair..but that is nothing new..I've spent my whole life wishing to be someone else..someone pretty and liked..but instead I look in the mirror and see myself and I hate me..except speaking in 3rd person makes it turn into I hate you..a constant attack ..a constant thought..having someone..a voice sitting behind me..constantly telling me that I'm stupid and awful and that I should have died a long time ago..that cutting helps..that I can take pills or drink or burn or purge until I feel better...I van destroy myself because no one will notice..no one will care...and it will be to late for help because I will gone .
I wonder sometimes what it must feel like to no think about dying or hurting or any of it..to just have peace and quiet for a while..to be ok..to not go up and down with the moods..to just be ..to be present without fear or wondering..but that is mot for me ...I'm giving up on finding peace or quietness
I want the silence..I want to not be afraid that I'm going to wake up and try to kill myself...Just to be ok...
I have to remember..I have to fight to remember that I'm not alone..that,Sarah is with me..And that I need to trust her to not go away.that I can't drive her away..that she loves me..
I gotta go
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