Again it is glaringly obvious that I am not seen as anything of importance... again I see how my news made no impact..how it is swept under the rug as if it never happened...if it is ignored then it will go away... again there is no one telling me congratulations.. no one being happy for me..and it hurts because it makes me feel worthless...I am still not good enough..even now... I'm not...and maybe that is the underlying thing that is preventing the suicidal stuff from going away...I just feel as if me trying my hardest isn't enough...
Wayne has a baby coming..everyone is happy..well except mommy...but it is her grandchild so she won't say anything to them.. but she has said a lot to me and prolly more to Nia...but she isn't ashamed of them..which is what I feel she is about me...at every turn I have failed in someway..I never have been what she wanted.and so my good stuff is never good enough.. and still I try ... if I give her enough she will want me..if I change enough.. if I do what she says or lose weight or get a better job or dress better...change everything that I continue to fall at..maybe that will change her mind about me...maybe it will allow her to like me...
The thoughts take hold...that I'll never be good enough and should just die...so convincing...I'm once again stuck wishing for something that won't happen I guess...and that just hurts
No comments:
Post a Comment