writing ....again

i wish i could say i was ok ...that i wasnt just sitting here thinking about going and getting razors..or going and finding more pills...the worse i feel and the more awake i am..how does that work exactly..where is my escape..i dont want to be awake right now..i want to be nothing..i would much rather prefer to numb out and instead im just awake and thinking non stop about things..nonstop thinking about every single thing going on...worrying about noa and her surgery..bills and money and work and jobs and moving and life and sarah and the cats and everything and it makes me tired and im bored..i dont want to do anything..just lay here and sleep and not even sleep is an escape ...with out the dang xanax im not even sleeping as much ...im awake and i dont want to be awake... no pain pills no nothing...im feeling worse...ive gotten to triggered and not had an outlet for it..and so ive begun taking it out on myself without actually taking it out on myself...little things..picking and scratching...not actually eating..not sleeping..showering is becoming optional .. my room is a dirty mess..all i do is feed the cats and some days it takes taji crying for 15 mins straight for me to even figure out that her food bowl is completely empty..im an awful person right now...i am..i deserve nothing because i am nothing .. im tired of fighting to just keep doing the same thing ... i am a failure ..playing endless adult games that i dont understand  and am not able to win...ill never be able to function correctly...always flawed and broken and sad and just not all there..something always missing...but i have to pull it together for work... smile and  talk and keep it together until 10pm...maybe somewhere in there ill actually eat something..and maybe ill even take my meds and quiet my mind ...  maybe