im tired

Yesterday was a hard day...My anxiety was really high...I had my work evaluation done..And got my check.. I was able to  pay the rent and mommy and put some money on the water bill...I have enough left for gas and food and cat stuff..with a little bit left over for vday with Sarah..

I know what I want to  get for her and I'm trying to be ok with it..I want to get her so much but I can't afford it...I just feel bad that I can't do the things I want to do...for her..

I've been feeling really depressed and well yesterday super anxious...I'm not liking myself very much and the cutting hasn't increased but it is still  happening..And I'm ashamed that I'm still doing it..that I still want it..but I'm upset that it doesn't work like it did before..the element of release isn't there..it still switches my focus and the pain holds my attention..but I'm not making massive cuts..the pain doesn't stay..And then my thoughts go back to racing..My head loses the battle and the overwhelming thoughts return..the feelings return..and  I can't escape..Maybe I will be able to get the meds with my next check...the money I got advanced wasn't taken out of this check and for that I am grateful because I was able to pay the rent and stuff ..but it may be taken out of the next check..so I'll have to figure that out..but maybe it will work out...

I just need a break..I want April to get here so bad so I can go out of town...I need a vacation...

I'm beginning the search for an apartment..a one bedroom..it is making me a bit anxious...but I'm going to  need to,find a place...

Sarah helped me calm down yesterday and I'm trying to hold on to that calmness..I have to work tomorrow but I'm off Sunday and Saturday..And that makes me happy..I prefer being off those days..but I have to work today and that is ok...