bad dreams and stuff

There is a lot that I need to write about ..but my time is almost up  for now..I'm over at Sarah's and soon will have  to leave..like in an hour leave.And it is causing some anxiety..Ok a lot of anxiety and I'm trying not to cry...things are slightly hard right now nd I feel like I'm not any good to anyone...but I had a dream last night that I killed myself..took all my pills...I didn't make it to the hospital so I guess I died...pretty much means that I need to be incredibly careful with myself as i am aware that my thinking is becoming more mixed up..I'm frustrated with my body and the cramps that come randomly and make it hard to do anything...I hadn't cried at all  about it until Saturday..I just got so upset that it is still happening and I can't do anything about it..I'm afraid that I'll be told that I will have to go for the ultrasound and then the d&c...I'm afraid...I talked to a coworker about it..she has had two..she explained the process to me..And I'll end up needing to take a couple days off of work ... I hate this...My jealously and need for attention is causing some unrest...I am feeling left out and forgotten before anything has even happened..And Anita not being here is not helping the feelings...I'm being so incredibly selfish bit I don't know how to make it stop..Sarah is being reassuring and keeps reminding me that I'm the first priority to her..but my insecurities are suddenly front and center and I start convincing myself that I need to  be better..I need to not be me...I need to fix what is wrong with me...And Sarah has a million different things she is dealing with right now an  me losing it won't help... I'm feeling out of sorts and don't know what to do..wanting an escape..And thoughts of cutting are returning...My head is confused..I have such a head ache and I'm feeling sick...I last ate around 1 yesterday...I know I need to eat as my sugar is probably incredibly low...but I can't seem to..I just want to  lay down actually...Maybe I need  to call,courtney..except I'm not sure I'll be able to make that call with crying...the crying needs to stop...really...I made cake yesterday...I don't even want any..And cake is my favorite..something is going on...