So I'm sitting at work..over thinking...trying to figure out what in the world I am going to do...about everything I guess..I'm trying to figure out the best thing..And I guess I am feeling super alone in this struggle..I feel as though I have asked for help so many times..And I'm back in this situation and I'm trying to figure out what to do for myself..How can I manage this...And where am I going to live...it is breaking my heart that I have less than a week to possibly pack up and move...And that I'll be packing up my stuff again and putting it back in storage...I don't want to ask for handouts..My self esteem is taking another massive blow because once again trying my hardest hasn't worked...And I'm looking at some serious decisions...
I saw Anita today and even though I didn't plan to tell her anything..I told her everything...it is easier to,talk when I am doing something else and so we colored today..And I pretty much spilled my guts...I told her I had cut...And she asked me what I wanted for her...in a supportive way ..for the cutting..And I actually answered her...I told her ..that I just wanted her to listen..And she said that she would...We talked about triggers and the cutting and what is going on..I told her it didn't help...And that I was upset about that ... I did mention that I would probably continue cutting..looking for that release..looking for that little bit of calm...but I did agree that the cutting helps nothing at all..And it doesn't..but I need that calm emptiness so bad that I am willing to keep trying to get it...I can't drink or do drugs..I need to work and be calm and all of that..And cutting allows me to keep up the facade of what everyone assumes I am feeling or doing or how I should be...there is no time for a massive breakdown...so that is where the cutting keeps me in a slightly even mood...I'm trying to be careful..but already the craving for it is back in full force..And I don't have the strength to fight it..I'm trying to keep my wrist covered up...but the planning and plotting of the next time is happening in my head...it is like a drug and it is like chasing a high..Now is not the time I guess to get back my meds.And Anita did tell me that Courtney let her know I'm not taking my blood pressure medicine and that,has her concerned...but with everything that is now going on..I'm not sure I can use the money I'll get on Friday to pay for medicine..so I'm going to just stay off of them I guess...sadly there isn't much that I can do about it...I have to be strong and in control at all times now..there is no room for any mistakes...I have to keep this mask firmly in place...there is to much uncertainty...And that makes me feel so out of sorts...I guess it makes sense that I have gone backwards looking for comfort in a way...Well to me..but it's going backwards all the same...And I'm caught in the trap again...
Sadly I'm caught in the trap again....And I don't know how this is going to end....
We didn't talk about if I was still feeling suicidal..but the idea I guess is that I am...I'm still not feeling safe with myself and now I have razors..that is a recipe for continued failure..which is what I am...a failure..worthless and stupid...I don't need anyone to agree with me..I know it is true...I wouldn't be in this predicament if I wasn't...I'm working my ass off and still can't get it together..I don't know what I'm doing wrong...I don't understand why I can't manage...I can't catch up financially and it is showing over and over...so once again I have failed in a massive way...
I want to give up..call it quits on everything because things are not really getting better...And I'm tired ... right now I am just so very tired...
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