I can't get my thinking to calm down...its back and forth between what I think I want to do and what I have already done...punishment and suffering and whether or not I deserve any of this... I just go over and over what I need to do and thoughts of ways to hurt myself win out..I'm planning without even meaning to and it consumes my mind...something is really wrong and I don't know what it is..my few hours of peace are gone and my control is slipping away..and I go back into survival mode and everything is to much to deal with...I go back to wanting to hide and disappear or just go away..but it all goes back to how and what I am planning... where when how what..its all stupid and overwhelming and makes me feel crazy...the paranoia is increasing and I keep feeling like I'm being watched and I don't like that at all...I'm overreacting to something that may not be really happening...everything is bothering me and doing stupid things makes a lot of sense