going to write..going to try to write ...

my mind is on overload and i am sad and probably triggered..i am having things on repeat..and actually it is the same phrase that has been on repeat for a couple weeks now and i couldnt place it until a few days ago ...its from girl interrupted...but quotes on cutting...both constantly going back and forth...still no major desire to cut..but again the thoughts just plague me..try to get past all of my other thinking and take over...thankfully i have to many other thoughts going on and other stress going on right now that it cant happen...not like it usually does..im feeling miserable enough without cutting currently..thanks to my weird stomach issues and current food issues..and no energy...and going back to wanting to sleep all the time..and work being a massive trigger...i saw anita yesterday...and i knew i was beginning to get angry about work and going to work..but i did not really realize that it is getting beyond just being angry and getting into dangerous zone where i am beyond angry and possibly moving beyond thinking rationally about situations and then doing something stupid...and im trying hard to keep control .. but my ability to stay calm and separate is slipping..i know this...i can feel it..i hate going to work..it stresses me out..it upsets me and yes it triggers the heck out of me...i wish i could that her cutting and stuff isnt a trigger but it is..just with all of my own stuff going on ...the small need for escape is always in the back of my mind...and going and having to deal with her behaviors and the cops and hospitals and all of that is a trigger all by its self and staying professional and talking to them..and feeling so stupid because she does this stuff and doesnt tell us and we dont have all the information and cant really do anything but tell her past history..not what she has currently done..it is upsetting and it makes me feel like i cant do my job..that im not doing my job and that ill be in trouble for not being able to stop her...for not being better in some way..and it all becomes a big big circle...im not good enough for anything..i cant do my job effectively..i cant do anything right..and then i hate her..i hate her for everything she does and everything she is able to get away with..and i want to scream and cry and yell and all sorts of stuff because its not fair ... i cant get away with anything and she get away with everything ...all of her behaviors are brushed under the carpet ..it doesnt matter that shes been to the hospital..it doesnt matter that she is actively cutting..it doesnt matter that she is calling the cops or that staff is calling the cops..the people in charge arent at the house any ..we can barely get them on the phone in an emergency..they are useless...they dont do anything to help..they still give her permission to go out and give her what she wants while saying she is being manipulative and playing games and that they are going to talk to her and fix the situation and all sorts of stuff and nothing is done and its not fair that she gets all this stuff and can do all these things and the other residents cant..so yes it makes me angry..very angry..more angry than i thought possible because it is happening so often right now..because i feel like i am her target..because i barely want to interact or talk to her unless i have to .. because im tired and going to work has become an automatic stressor..and im not sure anymore how to deal with it...im worn out..i dont want to do it...i hate that i have to do...if i was 100% positive about my other job i would just quit but because im not i cant .... im afraid ill have to stay...im afraid ill be stuck there...im afraid ill be there and not to leave because of the cps thing and that makes me feel completely hopeless..and useless..