my heart hurts ....

my heart feels as if it has broken into a million pieces...for all of the times i had i didnt want to have children or how gross it is and all of that...but the option was always there...and now i may end up not being able to have children at all..and i know that i am told that having or not having a baby makes me any less than a women..but in my mind it does..i feel useless..i feel broken..and just so very very sad...i know that nothing is set in stone but the option is put in my head..and im afraid..it is all i can think about..its is consuming my thoughts..and i cant escape the thoughts..no amount of sleep is making them go away..i am taking to much xanax and trazodone ... and i need to not to do that because it is dangerous...tomorrow i can going to get my regular meds...ive just been at all home today..i called out again..my mind and body in condition to be at work...tomorrow i will have to go..i cant keep skipping work...but im tired...not feeling 100% safe ..but im not concerned i will actually do anything to myself..im to sad for that...i talked to sarah i think yesterday..she went to the appointment with me..i have to go back for an ultra sound on may 4th..and i guess that will be the day i find out what the real next steps are...im just i dont know...trying to shut down..trying to not have to deal..ignoring and self medicating until i stop feeling..maybe i should call courtney or anita but no..i dont want them taking away the meds just yet..im not planning on dying ..i just need help to get through the day without crying..without any real thinking...i dont have the energy to keep up appearances...so medicine it is ...so something has to help...im behind on getting my meds filled anyway..so i really do need to go and get them..im sure that is not helping things either...im a mess right now...feeling so very much like a failure...broke down at least 3 or 4 times yesterday...today im very carefully managing to stop the tears..but i am really isolating...not talking to anyone really but sarah and mommy since she called me first thing in the morning...i have nothing to say..i dont know what to say...to myself or anyone else right now..i just want quiet...numbness..emptiness ...anything to help me forget about what i was told..i cant deal