trouble never goes away

I'm so upset and still trying to gain control over how I am feeling and trying to get the tears to stop...I can't seem to stop thinking that I'm just screwing everything up..And that mommy seriously told me that I had ruined her day when I told her that I thought she would be happy for me.. a lot about how she doesn't agree with it and that she would be fine with me and Sarah being lifelong friends..like I am 5 ... it makes me tired and I feel so useless.I know that things are really bad for me.right now...but they could be worse..I'm not getting married tomorrow..I'm not making plans to suddenly have so many options or plans...I'm not expecting that getting engaged is going to suddenly make my life so much better...No..I just wanted it for what it is ..a happy space in a massive sea of depression and struggling..I wasn't looking for a life changing event..I just wanted my little bit of happiness...And mommy doesn't approve because Sarah is in a wheelchair..she has asked me not to say anything about it..the engagement..And that pretty much means not to put it on Facebook...And by what she said today she has rejected me in so many ways and I don't know why it has even surprised me..Maybe I really truly thought that she would be happy..And that it would be ok...  I must have been holding one to those hopes for a long time because she started to rant and I began to shutdown...I couldn't argue..there was no point..does she really think that I would do something like this on an impulse? Me??everything has been called into question and that upsets me...I can't ...I just want to turn my brain off..to erase the hurt and sadness and go back to feeling content and happy...it was just a few hours but I want it back..instead I keep thinking about all she said and making conclusions and I don't know what to say..I talked to Sarah and her feelings are hurt and that makes me sad too...for such a happy day there is a lot of sadness going on...I just want to sleep for awhile..I have a headache and I don't want to even look at my phone for a while...I don't want to talk to anyone at all right now..

I know that there are friends happy for me..And that I should be doing what makes me happy but that doesn't stop the sadness...self medicating shall began asap...pick your poison...

No I don't think that this will be made all better overnight..once again I am left grieving for something I have never gotten..or will get..so I guess it just takes time to get used to the idea and accept it...accept that this part of my life is just not something that will be accepted or acknowledged...And that hurts...a lot ..she acts as if I have said nothing and I guess to her I didn't...I didn't say anything...it never happened..I told nia to forget I said anything...And I'm fine..I'm always fucking fine..this is no different..Yeah I'm fine...