urges

The urge has not died..or gone away..I'm struggling to stay safe..I'm struggling to even want to stay safe...give me back the few moments of calm..going to try to sleep a little bit before work..

Oh and yes
.tell the unstable person who can't handle change that moving will mean no more being seen at the clinic...Yeah..that was really smart...

cut

I am a cutter
I'm afraid I'll always be a cutter

I cut tonight and I didn't want to stop
I lost control
I didn't care

Something is wrong...
Why can't I sleep???

I'm tired

My arm stings
These will scar
I want to be upset with myself
But all I find is sadness
A bone weary sadness

Christmas 2015

Merry Christmas world :) 

(My lovely Christmas roses from Sarah) 

I am doing everything I can to keep my mood level...in times of stillness I can feel the sadness at the edges..I feel quiet..I feel lonely but I'm not alone. I'm with Sarah and it has been great...we talk and laugh and well I sleep..I swear I try not to but it just happens!! I may have been a pain in  the butt yesterday because I wanted to open my gifts and kept being told no...you know I can be down right annoying but Sarah kept me in order and distracted..

We did Christmas over the phone with now and everyone..since I wasn't there and mommy sent my box here...I got kitchen stuff from man...gift cards that will be used for a date night ..clothes and bed stuff...Sarah got mg watercolor pencils and a sketchpad and a journal with a unicorn on it. :) definitely going to give the watercolors a try..I have been wanting to paint again  so this is good..oh and I got some movies and other coloring stuff too... I'm happy.. I am..And grateful because I know I,have been borrowing so much money lately and still I got gifts..I wasn't expecting anything at,all but mommy still came through and got me stuff...a stuble hint to lose weight but I know I need to work on my health..And I'm actually going to..I  afraid because of being  sick lately..  I don't want to go back to the hospital..And so that means a couple things..but I'll write more about them later on..today is a happy day right. Movies and relaxing with Sarah today..I made a cake and I'll be making dinner later on...Well a late lunch..And just having another day to ourselves..

I just hate that my mood still over powers me .... :( I may need to talk to Courtney about my mood swings again....blah

a new option

a new option as been brought to my attention in the whole possible homeless situation ... and what i may be able to do....

i was talking to mommy and she actually brought up that i could come home and just commute on the weekend ...something i really had not thought about honestly... i mean when the conversation comes up i do everything i can to avoid having going home as an option...but this time ...this time i may be going home ....short term of course ... to allow for saving and lowering my stress levels ..

te problem is that i have until the 1st of January to find somewhere to go...no other option and im not payin avante any more money for anything..so 1st i need to be out...this is causing me a lot of stress..i cant afford a place on my own because of money and my credit..i cant save because im not making enough money.. lookin for a place and finding a safe place is going to be hard.. the stress of everythin landed me in the hospital and i dont want that again...

pros of going home...
-it will keep my bills low
-i will be able to help courtney with marley
-i wont be alone
- i can come back and forth to richmond
-kai will be going with me
-i will be able to get online
-short term and sarah will keep reminding me of that

cons
-im going home
-ill be around mommy more and that causes fear
-i will have to be careful to keep the anxiety under control
-not feeling that i have as stable a support system
-more dependence on mommy
-afraid i will get comfortable at home

im trying to think this through completely because i need to know what i am getting into ... i can do it..i know that..but am i willing to ? do i want to ? do i really have a choice if i am fighting to prevent homelessness ... i truly want to become more self sufficient...i want to be able to support myself and eventually be able to live with sarah in october...that is the month we picked ... i want to be able to start over with her but to honestly do that i need to be in a better space financially...i need to have some money saved...i need to just be more stable and  in better health and all of that...continue seeing anita and courtney and megan... if i can remember my goals...well i have to set them first..but if i can remember them...remember that this is not forever..that this is not me being a failure..then it could work...it could ...

Well I'm back...

I spent a week in the hospital...from.Tuesday to Saturday because my stomach pains got worse...I was tested for everything possible and they gave me a couple diagnosis... I do not like the mri machine ..it scared me senseless...I had 5 ivs put in because my veins kept blowing out..the shift changes made me anxious..And I still hate wearing socks .even in the hospital..I did talk to Anita while there and Megan too..I forgot to message Courtney..but I'll email her since I need to see her this week anyway...it's so weird coming out of the hospital and being back  in the real world...I missed a whole week of my life..And now I feel a bit out of place..I'm still having some pain and I hate that I didn't get the pain meds filled..trying to manage though...I need  to do some research on ibs and gastritis..find out more about them...have been told I need to lower my stress levels..I'm always stressed! But definite changes need to be made because I am stressed out...

frustrated

Right now I am,just feeling so,frustrated and angry...I'm overwhelmed and tired..I haven't eaten on time today,so let's add in cranky and pissed off to..ugh...so much frustration...Anita was rough and I won't be able to see her weekly for a little bit...stressed out about finding a place to live...gosh I want my own place and its depressing that I can't get one...I don't have the money or the credit to do it...I would ask now but she is to far away..Maybe I need to just look at renting a room somewhere and trying to manage that....I don't know..I'm  tired of thinking and trying to figure things out...mommy finally agreed that it will be to much for me to drive all the way to nias on Christmas day just to turn around and come back...I can't afford it anyway...so no traveling but I'll be with Sarah....right now I'm not even sure I can afford.to mail presents out...I'm a failure..that is what this feels like..the thoughts make me want to  cut I'm trying to be ok and be strong and manage ..there is no time for tears...all I want to do is cry though..but no instead I'll worry and stress and try to figure somethin  out..the outlook is depressing...everything is depressing and I feel so inadequate ..so useless...antia  is right...I am holding on to a lot of anger..I try to hide it but it is always there
.I don't want to become that bitter angry person..I really don't...but I am angry..so very angry...And anger is one emotion I am afraid of...it's one I can't handle..I'm just struggling today and feel like I need to keep my thinking to myself...

I wish

  Wish I could just write and empty my head but my focus is shot...My thoughts are little jumping beans and I don't feel good...I'm really just hoping that I sleep tonight.
.

Maya is a liar and a thief... I am pissed off

what is wrong with me???

Something must be wrong with me..Im  flawed in some way...unfit to live with others..i don't know..I need to find a new place to live by Jan 1...I've been asked to leave and I don't truly understand why..I've talked to her about th  kids stuff and to ask .e..I tell her my schedule..when I ask if she needs help.she says she's got it covered..Ok..so I don't ask...I use the last of my money to go get groceries..did she bother telling me that the fridge is broken? I haven't been here..I try doing something and am asked to leave...where do I have to go? Where can I afford to go?? Just one more thing to add on to the list of things I have to figure out..what am I going to do...And I just keep thinking that I've messed up again....

I don't understand

I'm trying hard to be all positive and upbeat and glad that I have a place to live..but how many times am I going to go to work or leave for a few days without my stuff being taken or gone through?? My few snacks that I keep have been eaten..out of my room..My books are messed up..one of them a present...  didn't leave my stuff out?! What  do I have stickers in my underwear draw..why is my medicine moved? And crumbs all over my freaking bed..My snacks were in the top of the closet...the kids couldn't reach them...what am I supposed  to say? Or do? I have given them tons of stuff and everything gets destroyed..And messed up...but I'm paying to live here and I can't even keep anything here..I'm not hiding money....I don't have anything...yet my stuff is taken bit God forbid I accuse anyone...so yes Im  really upset right now..frustrated..but again I can't rock the boat..I can't upset the place I live right??? I'm supposed to be all happy and thankful but now I'm just pissed off and getting angry...I had kaiya with me..so why was anyone in my stuff?? I'm not happy...I'm thinking it's time to move on...I just wish I could get my own place..I really do..

low

About to get,ready to head to work..we are all over the place and in a really big please leave me alone mood...found out will be going home on Thursday..May be stuck there until Saturday..chaos reigns inside...anxiety picked up  immediately..on edge..she will,have me trapped...And I'll be cut off from online and stuff once I get home...My phone barely even gets a signal at home...been trying not to cry or do anything crazy but can't get a handle on the thoughts...the list of things I have done wrong lately is long..And there will be no  escape from her talks..And we have to keep it together because she knows I can't refuse or fight back if it means no car..or no money for a car...it's a.big set up...we are walk in  into trouble and there is no why that I can see out of it...we are going home alone...the fear is alive .. sadness and depressed and just out of sorts...How well,can,I,be fixed in two days ??? I guess I'll be finding out...How easily can I be broken when I get home..knowing I can't fight back????

giving up

After all this time....I guess if I look at,the big picture..it's been a little less than two months of epic shittiness...And today..I guess that breaking point was reached or whatever..the whole staying positive..being strong...knowing something better is coming ..I just can't believe...I've tried..And now things are just worse I guess..I feel worse...I'm tired...I'm fighting tears today and its a stupid losing battle..I'm stomach has made the past day or so a bit  miserable...not that anyone cares....couldn't handle mommy today and ended up yelling on the phone..And her saying she would not call..but whatever..I don't believe that either..I don't believe anything....I don't even believe anything Im  telling myself..the problem with crying is that once it starts it takes forever to get it to stop..I don't want to cry..I have to go to work later..I need to pull myself together...I have to pull myself together...forget it...I'll cut and worry and make it through the day.

under the surface

Something is bothering me...I'm not sure what it is but it is just getting worse I think...Maybe it is just the holiday and the usual blues and depression that seems to come with it...I don't know..My mind is seeking quiet and solitude...I know we are bringing up and talking about a lot in t lately and maybe I'm not writing enough..talking about my sister and being adopted are such big triggers and both things that are coming up during sessions..a lot of talking about mommy and how things were..And I guess I'm not not doing enough to elevate the feelings...but the sadness is hitting hard today..I know mommy is preparing to go  to nias and I am feeling left out..as everyone will be there and I won't...I'm happy to be spending time with Sarah..And bounce and kaiya I just hate feeling like I'm missing things and not being included...And no one wants me crying on the phone about things anyway...I'm going to need to make sure I'm taking my meds...I realize I haven't taken them today because I feel like bursting into tears right now...I am worrying and stressing out about things..And I just want this to be a good week...I really do..I don't want to be down and struggling and trying to be safe..but my head seems to have other ideas because I'm not quite sure how safe I am feeling..right now...

I'll have to work tomorrow answer..And wed morning and afternoon I'll be baking before work...And Thursday is thanksgiving..Friday, Sat, and Sun will be back and forth between ac Moore and Sarah...

Maybe I just need a good night's sleep..I did finally get my meds refilled...

I'm tired

I don't feel good today and my thoughts are drifting into a negative area..Maybe I am having bad dreams
.I'm tired and cranky and not sleeping..I want to sleep. I'm trying to figure out money ..I'm tired of trying to figure out money ..And car stuff and job stuff..I'm trying but not hard enough...I found a job but not a good enough one..so go get another one..get out of this mess your in and then maybe you van talk about decreasing something...but right now...No..you have to do more..work more..give more..pay more..you have  to fix this...there is no rest..there is no anything...

floating

Floating along...I prolly shouldn't have driven in my current state..My head hurts and I'm.trying to hold it together..And I keep thinking about the picture we worked on yesterday and how hard I'm fighting to get to the logical side..but all I keep thinking is negative things..I try to get out of it and it pulls me back in...there's help ans calm and peace on the other side but it's not accessible to me..nothing is

I can sit quietly and think ..I am thinking fast about things and my thoughts are already going downhill...that accident that wasn't my fault has destroyed everything..My falling  for the scam is just argument worthy for the rest of my life
.I don't know...but now it is being used to remind me that I've messed up..that she will have to bail me out...that I am out of money..that I owe Rob..that I have nothing..that I have to,pay bills..that I,can't say anything to anyone..keep my secrets..lie..pretend...all the things I'm so fucking good at...pretend everything is fine ..I'm useless

you have to calm down....

You know how you accidentally stumble on something and it is as if your entire being reacts to keep something from you? I feel like I need to sleep but I'm not tired am I? I was talking to Amanda but now I feel I'm not making any sense and should just lay down. Something has clicked on and something is desperately trying to get it to turn back off. All I have been thinking about is the no thing, the pouting thing and what triggers it. The more I think about it the more I think about some of my conversations with Kathy and how I ended up feeling like my world was crushed when she told me no on some things and I couldn't process it. I may know that I am asking questions that can not have a true yes answer but that childlike hope is there. There is honesty and a real want for safety in the questions and not being able to have it breaks me in a way. Those feelings/emotions don't grow up and when I find someone that I am attaching to and feel safe with, the questions come. Will you keep me? Can I live with you? Will you adopt me? I promise to be good? I'll do what you say? They are still looking for safety, comfort, parents, love. Being told no makes them angry, manipulative, hurt, sad. There is no big picture, there is a need for immediate gratification and not getting it causes a lack of something. Something didn't develop correctly, and has continued to be unable to develop or fix its self.

ugh ratburgers!!!

Saw Anita today and so I have a few things on my mind right now and I'm feeling a little frustrated because I can't figure them out..as much as I enjoy figuring myself out.sometimes it gets on my nerves because  things aren't just black and white ..there is to much gray area or room for interpretation..I need a clear cut picture and i get frustrated when I don't fit into set categories that make sense..

So Anita had written this kind of two way list of how things play out for me and as I was rewriting it I started thinking more about it and how the describe the different parts..And I felt frustrated because I could look at it and see so clearly how different they are..but I can't see how different events will play out...is it really one or two things that,can change the whole outcome? If I take mommy out or get a handle on my thinking or mot act impulsively would that really give me the time to get to a point of where I can think rationally...Will I get the time it takes for me to calm down and fully freak out safely without acting on anything and make it to the other side where rational thought waits? Why can't it be the same each time? Why  does it have to be different? Why can't I see these things in the moment and change them? I get so caught up in whatever spiral I'm in that I can't get out of it until it is finished..who knows if that will  take to long? Or if I'll do something stupid? Or can't figure out if im seeing or understanding all of my options..I don't want to make ..bad  choices but sometimes I do..And I don't mean to. Some days I,just,don't like the way,I think and see things..it's.not like everyone else..

The second part of it was kind of about how I react to things..which has me wondering what triggers out the pouty more childish part of me and why...I know there are very specific triggers or things going on bit beyond being told no I can't think of what any are..And that frustrates me too...I mean I don't do it around many people..but I know I do it with Kathy and Anita and Courtney and Sarah and Yvonne .. but why..them...why do they get that behavior...what purpose does it serve? What am I getting out of it??

Ugggggggghhhhhhhhhhhh

An OK day

Yesterday ended up being an OK day surprisingly... I really need to get on a better schedule with my meds though...my stomach was actually OK yesterday..

Ended up having a night of fun for curvon ..he is doing a great job I'm school..I'm so proud of him.

frustrated

I understand that what's going on with me is going on with me..but I guess the message I got from avante this morning is bothering me...pretty much being told that regardless of what's going on for me I still need to buy stuff for the house..it seems to be ignored that I'm the one buying the household stuff and extra food when there are no food stamps...but I am just feeling that I opened up to her..And now something is weird and different..I was gone for the weekend and come back and she is acting weird..Maybe I'm reading to much into it..Maybe I'm not..I just don't know...My weird feelings haven't been wrong before..so I don't know..I'm laying low and staying out of the way...what I usually do...I really miss having my own space..i  really do...Maybe after I get started with Sarah's hours in January and save a month or so I'll be able to move back to my own place...something...I'm really hoping next year is a better year for me...this year has been so so hard...And there seems to be no relief in sight..Just one of those I'm only needed if I van benefit them in some way...story of my life I guess

I'm just down today..And annoyed at Wayne...because he could help me out but he isn't..so I'll respect his choice..And my plan is to find another job...get some money saved...And get a car and a place to live...those are my current goals...

I talked to,Courtney about my stomach today and yeah as expected she said I need to see Megan and will most likely be referred to a gi doctor to figure out what's wrong with my stomach...the bleeding is not ok...blah more doc appts...

My head is hurting..I'm just going to lay down for a while....I'm trying to escape I know..but i need a break from my brain and thinking and planning...

pressure.....

I'm feeling pressure from all sides....people want and I have nothing to give..I'm all out of everything and I can feel that my thoughts are turning dark from worry and stress..I'm trying so hard not to  ask for money but I have no choice at this point..I need  help but where can I go at this point...

Sick

I feel like crap.. sitting outside of work and I just don't feel good ..stomach issues and nauseous.. and head hurts...I'll talk to Courtney tomorrow and see what she says...I may end up back in the emergency room..this just needs to stop..I'm tired

wtf!!!

You  want to pull out the sex talk now?!?! I tell you I'm having some issues with my stomach and what happened and you bring up sex?! Where was this talk way back when I may have actually needed it?? It's a little late to play concerned parent now..I can't believe she did that..I'm upset and just kinda disbelieving that the conversation happened..Ok maybe she was concerned..but my sex life isn't up for debate..I know what the few risks are with that..And I immediately felt like defending and explaining...uh it's frustrating..And embarrassing..And I feel just like my entire conversation was invalidated..My issues insignificant..And not important..but it could be I'm having sex wrong instead...wtf

anxious

Anxiety is getting the best of me..a lot of thinking today and trying to plan but all I've ended up doing is stressing myself out to the point of crying and accidentally triggered myself watching this movie...My head hurts ..My eyes hurt and I'm no  nearer to figuring anything out...I feel like a failure and am suddenly struggling to figure things out and figure out how I'm going to manage..And what the crap I'm going to do...I'll just keep my anxious feelings to myself and lay back down and think...Maybe no Netflix for a while to get myself calmed down maybe...moving back into isolating...No talking...blaming it on being sick will have to do....

trying to stay ok

I feel like I'm slipping...going down into the dark depths of depression...I'm worrying and stressed ..yesterday was an ok day..saw Anita and it was fine..I kind of isolated when I got home..something is going on with avante but she hasn't told me so I can't do anything to help...so Im just staying to myself...I think the yelling may be getting to me a bit..yesterday I listened to music for a long time...today I don't know what I'll do..but my thoughts are stressed and worried...I'm frustrated that I can't find my drink mixes...I left them on my dresser..I come home and they can't be found...I'm very careful to not accuse the kids but yeah..I'm pissed off...I am reminded that I need to hide my stuff to prevent anyone from messing with it..or it walking away from my room and no one knows what happened to it...  can't afford to be going back to the store..I don't have the money...so I'm frustrated with it...it's little stuff you know..but I don't say anything...And the little stuff becomes bigger..sigh...Maybe I'm over reacting..I don't know..I'm  Just bothered...And it makes me miss having my own place and my own space..And sadly I'm worse off now than I was before...And   I don't know...I'm tired..I'm feeling weighed down..bogged down with life..checking my bank account did not help how I'm feeling ...what in the hell am I going to do?? That's all I can think...is what am I going to do...

less.heightened emotions

I did sleep last night...I'm just thinking so Much and nothing I can do...save up..start over..I did file complaints with the federal trade commission..And eBay...My sister called the same ad I did and was sent the exact same message I got..so yeah..scammed...things aren't so heightened today..Just so down..And feel so helpless and hopeless...but all I can do is start over and try to manage with the rental....for now...

not thinking clearly

I really just want to take my meds and go to sleep...I'm tired..My head hurts...I can't begin to figure this out..And I'm looking at the future and see nothing...No way out and I'm sick of all of it...  don't have the energy to pretend right now..I don't have the energy  to talk ..I'm scared I'm going to loss my jobs because of no transportation..I'm worrying and freaking out and I see no hope anywhere..I just want to get in the car and drive away
.I didn't see Courtney today so I'm out of half my meds..which doesn't help my thoughts any at all...My thinking Just gets worse and I see how way to turn it off...I'm waiting to tell mommy because I can imagine how that conversation will go..I need to pay bills and I can't.but if I don't I'll lose my stuff in storage..I don't know anyone who wants to drive me around to get to work...I'm stuck..in so many ways right now..

I've been hiding today...crying..hiding..thinking...I told nia I give up..And I do

I lost

I gambled and lost...I trusted and was lied to and now I have no idea how to pick up the pieces...I suck at life..And I see no way out..I was so happy..so excited..I missed the signs..And now I will pay for it...I'm just stupid and I'm trying hard not to do anything bit the need to pull away ..hide...ignore everything and everyone pulls at me..I can't deal right now..I just cant..And I don't want to anymore...I'm tired of trying

.of trusting...of believing that things will get better...all I want to do is just go away...I don't think I'll go to see Courtney tomorrow..I'll ask Jane to get her to call me...I can't face anyone right now...

update

Its been a while since ive written..a lot has been going on..both with me and with the kids at home...bullying and meetings and pulling the 11 yr old out of school for safety reasons..ive been helping her mom out as much as I can and going to some of the meetings to kind of speak for the 11 yr old...my schooling comes in handy at times …. the meeting we went to last week..the guy found out what my degree was in and he asked me to apply for a job with them...if only I hadnt screwed things up and what not with my background stuff...but that has happened and is in the past now..i have to move on...its on my record and nothing will change that and so I have to wait that one out....im learning its not the end of the world...but it does make things a little bit difficult..but im learning to manage...and now I have two jobs...one at ac moore that I really like which surprises me...talking to people and stuff...and then I have the one with sarah now that is really cool actually...i mean im helping her and spending time at her house and now there is a pay check involved...for the weekend anyway..i would come over and spend time with her anyway you know..and I do...shoot I still prefer hanging out at her house lol...i do feel a little guilty though...working for her and being engaged...i know ppl do it all the time ..and I guess its just one of those things that is what it is..but still...im just trying to get used to it...

but back to other stuff...the accident has really screwed things up...i have a car that im working on getting..and I think the stress is beginning to affect me physically..something is wrong with my stomach and or lower regions and I dont know why..and im worried..and scared ill end up in the hospital as they try to figure out whats going on..i dont want to be in the hospital...i dont want to have something looking inside my stomach...ive never had ulcers or anything like that before...and suddenly im all stressed and worried non stop for weeks and other physical symptoms start popping up and I dont know why...im still having headaches...daily headaches actually that dont really go away..its tiring and hurts and I hate them..even now I have a major headache and it sucks...

but yes I have found a car...i am still waiting on the check from the insurance so that I can pay for it...the car is going to be shipped to me...and the payment will be through ebay..no meeting weird people alone or trying to decide if im going to be kidnapped and killed or something...yes my mind works like that and ive seen way to many movies and read way to many news stories about things happening to people...and it would involve a crap load of cash so yeah..this does make me feel more comfortable at least....but if all things work out I will have a car soon...like within days..i have to get the payment sent which I will do as soon as I am able to get the check cashed....that is a big stress reliever on one hand but on the other I have mommy who is back to putting the pressure on relating to money and holidays and so the holiday stress and obligations are beginning and it gives me a headache...everything gives me a headache lately..there is no let up in the stress and things are just really hard a lot of days...

I got a light session with anita this week..but no I have some things we need to talk about next week...i need some closure on the mommy thing or I need to at least explain to her that it made me very paranoid and scared....i still want to talk about the lotus of control thing...i may write about that on facebook and see what others have learned about it...i know I have heard about it but I dont really remember where I heard it..and that irks me majorly...

things are a little messy in my head ...no cutting or suicidal thoughts ..just kinda down...worried....planning and thinking and trying...im trying so hard and then I talk to mommy and it all goes down the drain and I feel like I cant do anything right ...and that nothing is enough...she yelled at me about not sending her a birthday card..honestly I didnt even think about a birthday card..i truly didnt ...i called her on her birthday..but as soon as she found out I would send her money oh everything was fine then...but will I send her enough? Will she call and ask for more? I have to send nia and rob some money...i need shoes and a jacket and maybe if im really lucky I can get an actual bedset...im hoping ill be able to get my new glasses at some point in the near future … who knows...and now I have presents and planning to do...as I said the headaches never stop...i need to get my meds filled and I see courtney tomorrow so maybe that will help...ive been taking them..sorta...ugh...i cant seem to get out of overload these days...its becoming the norm..and it bites...but I better do what I came to do..before I run out of time...

a struggle today

Today has not been a good day...I made some very not good choices..I cut my leg this morning out of anger..And being  overwhelmed...I did bandage it at least.. it's sore....And walking hurts a little bit...I'm trying to remember if I took my meds this morning...I think I did..the morphine from yesterday kicked in this afternoon and knocked me out..I was hazy and had no idea where in the heck I was..And I was only in bed...I was a mess.this afternoon..Well later this afternoon..

Mommy got to me both yesterday and  today but it was this morning that it was to much...  I was stressing about my car an  talking to the insurance guy and money and  a million other things and she calls to yell at me about a stupid gofundme page..told me I made her look bad...that i was begging..that no one needed to know if I was struggling...on and on she went..I told her that I am working my butt off with my head hurting every single time because I am trying hard not to have to ask for money..I'm trying to jungle an almost minimum wage job against bills and life and meds and the outlook is depressing..I'm trying and all I get from her is that it's not enough..if I sound ok  on the phone  .Ok I guess Im  going to work..if i don't sound ok..go to the hospital and then go to work..there is no stopping..No giving in...giving up is failure..suck it up and move on..

How it goes from 0 to 100 with her...
The cycle begins slowly enough...the accident happened...I called nia and not mommy because I didn't want to deal with all  the questions right from the start from mommy..I kept her updated and she updated mommy..I called mommy after I got to the hospital..let her know what happened and that I was ok..she asked some questions but I told her my head was hurting and I would talk to her later..she asked me to call her when I got home that night..I called  her when I got home...she called me the next day numerous times asking how I was and asking about my insurance stuff..what to say and what not to  say..I started getting headache  And she pushes  going to the hospital...I went and was told I had a concussion...the numerous calls kept coming but they slowly began to focus more on insurance stuff..money..the deductibles..who I was talking  to..was I calling enough..if i complained of not feeling well she mentioned the hospital..told me to get a lawyer..to have a doctor trail that something is wrong..that she would talk to a family member and let me know exactly what I needed to do...on my days off I was sleeping a lot..And she didn't like that.. she told me I needed to keep calling the insurance people..she told me she didn't like how I was doing things..she told me that I would lose my car and have nothing and no one would be able to help me...that conversation got me to start questioning myself..what,was I doing wrong? What hadn't I done? I had called and left messages..  was becoming afraid that mommy was right .. that some decisions  was going to be made and it would be a bad one and it would be my fault for not trying harder..I began to tell myself that I was mess in  up..that this was my fault.the accident..that I was  going  to lose my car and my job..that even though I'm not feeling good I have to keep going to work..  have to keep trying to do something right in the midst of so much wrong...I started thinking about cutting..wanting it..needing it..I finally got in touch with one insurance person only to be told my case was  transferred...I got the information for the new person and began calling him..the not  I couldn't get him on the phone..the more paranoid I got..I was stressing myself out worrying about the rental..about work...about if I would have to drive home..what would happen..And having to go  back an  forth to the doc because of the headaches...the more I couldn't get answers the more worked up I began..And the more negative I got ..until I was feeling suicidal..until.  I was tired of fighting with myself and tired of listening to mommy and tired of insurance and worry and not knowing what was going on...I finally talked to the right adjuster just to  be told that my car was considered a total loss..And that some one else would be calling me..i  didn't want to tell mommy that because I felt like what she said would happen..had happened...I messed up... i ruined my car..And now I had nothing..I was at work when I got that information and spent the whole shift thinking of a way to get one of the box cutters and cut my arms and wrists...I wasn't able to do that...instead I came home and found the dilaudid..And suffered for a couple hours after taking it because it makes my chest hurt so much..but I took it anyway it made me unable to stay awake but the real weirdness happened today..this afternoon ...but this morning mommy again called and yelled at me..this time about the fundraiser thing and I really did just lose it I guess..I started crying and agreeing with everything she said..that I had messed up and made her look bad..And that no one needed to know I was struggling..And all of that..And as I listened and agreed with her..I very calmly planned where I was going to cut...I hung up after she was done ..avante was in the process of leaving and I told her I was fine in some form or fashion..I think I just shook my head and close  the door actually because I was crying..I waited until the house was quiet ..the baby was sleep..I was watching  him...got what I needed..And did what I did and then bandaged it up and put pants on to hide the bandage..I cut until I calmed down pretty much...watch and analyze what I'm doing..not enough..to much..not deep enough..How to tell when the anger is gone...this time I was angry when I cut..which is kind of a don't do that rule...those are worse...those show a lack of control...those show the  absence of pain..because there are more.And they are more likely one top of each other and stuff...it can get messy...but that's pretty much what happens..the cutting has gotten the suicidal thoughts to slow down a little but both are still around..

total loss

My car is a total loss...the cost to repair it is more.than the car is worth ..My car is gone...I tried to see about raising money to help.pay the deductible..I saw nothing wrong with that...I didn't see it as begging...but mommy did..she got me.this mornin about it...it got back to.her that i,was begging. I wasn't begging. I.wasn't..I've taken it down of course...I cut ...instead of killing myself and I'm still thinkin  about cancelling t...I don't want to be seen..I don't want to be anything..I'm trying my hardest and its not enough
.two notes to keep my ass home and I still go to work because it's drilled into me that I have to...sick or not I have to... I just want to not deal right now...I can't deal...I feel so useless and stupid and sad and worthless and so so so not ok

overwhelmed to the point of numbness

I'm so very tired..bad night of sleep..took some morphine...bad idea...I said not to take it again bit last night I was wanton  t  cut so bad that I chose practically giving myself a heart attack ..for whatever reason that shit hurts like a bitxh and I can feel it moving through my system...And so for a couple hours it was suffer central...I didn't ask for help..I didn't deserve it..I managed..I slept like shit though and I still want  to cut..I will...it's just a matter of when at this point...I'll have some alone time this morning...so whatever...I'm stressing ...overwhelmed to the max and frustrated...I found out yesterday that my car is being classed as a total loss...what in the hell am I going to do..because I have  insurance and everything I'll get some settlement for my car but will it be enough to get something else...?  If I can't keep the rental how will I manage to get to work? How will I survive at all at this point??
I have another doctors note to not work..And what am I doing?? Going to work...I have to  work.i told someone last night that me a my concussion are going to work..And have been ..i didn't even truly take off a single day..i got them to switch my day to later in the week..why bother eating when I take Tylenol and aleeve all freaking day long just to manage and that's at the bare minimum...the headaches kill me..but I have no  choice. I have to keep an income coming in..No matter how small...these days I feel like crap..medically I feel like crap...emotionally I am incredibly suicidal...I don't have the energy to go through this again...I really really don't..And giving up just begins to look better and better and better..because I see no,,way out..I'm working and its not enough...in mommy's eyes I'm not doing enough and I  not doing it right..let's ignore that most days I don't feel good anymore..but again I  am a failure..I ruined my car..I should have moved more..or left work earlier or something..this is my fault..And I can't even fix it.. and there is no more borrowing money for a car..there is nothing...nothing at all..I'm just done..

hurting

 ..I'm once again writing this and trying not to cry...My head hurts so much..I just got this job..I can't call out..again already.. I came home last night and crashed..cried on the phone with my sister my head was hurting and I didn't know what to do...I woke up an  my head  hurts..I just want to sleep..I'm only taking my regular meds and some aleeeve..something heavy or that I shouldn't have..mommy is pushing for me to go back to the hospital..  don't wan  to though :(  it just hurts so much. I don't know what to do...I have to work..I have  to get the money for my car..I don't have any options. I don't know

Mommy is pushing for so much right now and my head can't handle it..insurance and lawyers and cars and it just makes my head go in circles

I'm just tired...so so tired

very angry tonight

Everything seems to be getting to me today..everything....sing  I heard about my car...And maybe that is affecting other stuff..I don't know...but I think I've ended up pissing everyone off..And it just pisses me off even more...currently I'm just up thinking about my car...My situation..My life..My lack of a life...My joke of a life and I want to end it..silly little argument with avante over the kids being in my shit...hello this is nothing new..and she knows that. She knows they are in my room and take my stuff out...she knows I find my stuff all over this house and I leave my stuff in my room...but she picks tonight t  want to tell me to speak to,her children in front  of her...Ok then..whatever..I'm the one with shit missing...with shit broken...with shit lost...stuff I came here with is gone...My mugs..My knick knacks..My magnets..stuff out of my room...gone or broken..but I say nothing...How many nights have I come in and my chargers are out of my room? And I have to ask for them back..My stuff...they didn't ask for it..or to use it.No they wait until I'm gone to come and get things and then can't find them...I told her I didn't want them messing with my movies because one of my cases is already lost....but still they are being taken out of my room when I'm not here...but again I don't say anything...I let it go..but I'm wrong in this to right...because I'm here I'm freely supposed to allow all of my stuff to be ruined to be destroyed...Yeah..My hand is forced ..because I have no wear to go...And so,silence is my friend ..hiding is my friend..I have nothing anyway...why pretend otherwise..

worry

I'm going to write some because I can tell that,I'm getting angry and. I Don't know why..I started to get anxious at work..reminding myself I didn't take any meds this morning..great...No...left work and its pouring rain and mg lights aren't the best so my anxiety just spiked..I was scared..I couldn't see..I was afraid of getting into an accident..I made it home and still it was pouring  And I was locked out which did not help my mood any...so then I was in I don't want to talk to anyone mode..came in..took meds and laid down...kaiya decide tto have litter box issues tonight so I ended up cleaning her and the litter box out..And now I'm laying here..unable to sleep and just getting more and more angry..I know I'm stressing about stuff...And my eating is all weird and all I want to eat is sugary stuff..cakes and cookies and candy..I'm tryin  to do a good job at work but my need for reassurance is already popping up and it has been like 2 shifts..I'm worrying myself to death with everything

trapped

I'm feeling quiet..tired..a bit worn out with things I guess.Maybe it's the depression...I spent pretty much all of yesterday in bed sleep or just lay in  down. I did go to the store and sort of cook dinner..And then that was the extent of my energy it seems
 My first day at work was hard..it was restock day pretty much..first day and I got to spend it looking for where all this stuff goes.
I tried to keep a positive attitude..but it got harder when I couldn't find things..And had  to keep asking for help..I of course didn't have snacks and so I knew when I started to get cranky and frustrated  that my sugar,was low..but I didn't want to make a big deal about it because there is a young girl there with diabetes and her  sugar dropped during the shift and everyone was focused on helping her and so I didn't need to make a big deal about it. When I get some money next week ..I'll buy so stuff to take for lunch well snacks since I don't really get a lunch..I'm hoping my hours stay the same each week though. That would be nice. If I can just snag another day..but we will see how all that goes...

Sarah is out of the hospital..she got out on Wed...I'm glad she is out..she still may end up going to the crisis unit..but won't know that until next week...which has me thinking a mile a minute about everything and nothing...I'm just off..Just waiting...I did let her know I won't be comin  over when anetras there..didn't realize it was bothering me so much until she asked ..but it is bothering me...Sarah going  away is bothering me...but  it's not my choice is it..im supportive...but I have no answers..And that bothers me to.

I'm trapped in my head today....really really trapped

My thoughts move backwards

Sadness engulfs me...fear...tears...not understanding...guilt...I think and think..I don't sleep because I'm thinking.trying to figure out I don't know what..I'm lost and my thoughts become so convincing...No point in not cutting if it will keep me calm...May as well..bad bad dreams..pain..death...rape..torture..violence..I keep ending up in bad situations...I'm sick of slee

empty

Right now I'm feeling so empty and alone...And stuck I guess..  want to be ok for Sarah..And she has my full support and I'm so proud of her for getting help and calling her docs and going to the hospital...but at the same time I feel useless and alone...I know she needs to figure out what's going on and get a handle on it...but I feel as if I've been left on my own..And its making me just want to shut down..  don't want to talk to anyone..or do anything...  don't know when she will be able to call me or when she will be out...I am mad and jealous..I tried everything I could to help while i  was there and it wasn't enough ..And it makes me feel like I didn't try hard enough..I didn't care enough..I failed..And now she is in the hospital..the jealousy is coming from the fact that she is in the hospital..that she can go to the hospital or crisis program and get help or get a break..but I'm not allowed to do that..personal rules... I guess...And I can't afford to do it anyway...And mommy would kill me herself...Yes those are the reasons ..Well some of them anyway for avoiding the hospital..things aren't that  bad for me..I'm only thinking of killing myself a little bit this week..so that means this week is acceptable..there is a major need to hide my thoughts..pretend I'm ok...as I usually do..otherwise I'll just be stupid and not stop crying...she is safe and I'm happy for that. I truly am...I'm just wondering how safe I am...the thoughts weigh heavily on my head ...another night of no sleep..not even with the medicine..I just stay up and think...but maybe today I'll just sleep..I'm not to sure about managing today safely..

life waits for no one

My brain is sluggish bit I feel like. a lot is on my mind right now so worrying it is...I'm back on my meds..  saw my doc today and i actually let her know that I was off of one of them and because my blood pressure was so good today she said that we are going to hold off on the one I'm not taking..And see how my blood pressure does..I have to go back in to have it checked in a couple weeks..but everything overall was ok...got my usual lab work done, and depo shot and flu shot today..to say my arms are killing me is putting it lightly...I'm feeling. A bit miserable actually..My weight is the same though...for three months I say that is good but I told mommy and got the you can do better speech and so immediately felt bad but I'm to tired to take it out on myself today..I'm just down. I had to take off my shirt at the doc to have her  look at my back...embarrassing..but I needed her to see..she sent in a cream..Maybe Sarah can put it on my back  for me...

I talked to Sarah the other day about somethings and we had some time together and it was a much needed release...I'm just stills  struggling so much to accept that sex is a release and that it's ok to like it and want it and maybe even need it. I can't get there as often as I like and so it hard  ..And I get stuck and act on things negatively..I don't mean too

Things with Anita are rough..Well rough territory..scary territory...

I may have a part tome job...at ac moore...I  waiting for my background check...And then ill know when I can start...it's something..I'll be able to live..it's going to be tight..but I'll manage..somehow I'll manage.

Secrets

My whole life is made up of secrets..keeping them..protecting them?!hiding them...when do I bet to stop keeping them.Anita is slowly learning my secrets..and she will hate me too.I'm trying to push people away..I don't know what I want..right now I'm sorry I exist and I'm wishing mommy had gone through with what she threatened all those years ago...why couldn't she have just killed me then..and it wouldn't have mattered..

down

I'm feeling so down..My thoughts are getting darker..what's the point of fighting...the planning and plotting an  thinking are going on...what do I want to do..it's a choice..  i now.. I just keep making bad choices..And these choices will kill me...eventually...I'm just tired and feeling alone because I'm having a hard time pitting things into words..I can't ask for help when I don't know what's going on..I can't ask for comfort from Sarah when I don't even know why I want it...And not being included is makin  me sad..Well sadder...I know she would..but If  I'm not invited and not wanted then I'm not going to show up.but it doesn't help my any thing..to be pushed aside for reasons I don't fully understand..but it's ok..I'm not bothered. I'm fine..it's a part of life. I am reminded again that regardless of it all I will never fight in..

Aimless...

I'm just feeling so aimless right now ..I'm not sure what I want to do and the energy and drive isn't there to do anything with either..I'm sick of laying in bed..but I'm stuck in my head..which aggravates the already aggravated symptoms of my head and leaves me with to much time to think and plan and remember and wonder and question and feel useless.. And I just wonder what I am doing. What am I supposed to be doing and I'm afraid to truly revisit that question from Anita about working and doing a job..and me and my views or plans or whatever you want to call it..I don't know what to call it..I can keep a job can't I ?? Have I become so messed up that I cant? Do I expect things to be given to me?? I don't know what to think..maybe it truly is better I get out of mental health and see how I do away from the field..just a regular job..no taking another peoples problems ..but at the same time. I don't trust my ability to do anything else...I can't be normal..I don't know how...I feel stupid.

Something is brewing in the corners .maybe that isn't the right choice of words... something is driving this current back and forth anger and sadness and I'm getting those questions I have no answers to. Why couldn't I protect us? Where was everyone at and why was no one there? Someone is looking for answers that I just don't have..I feel guilty for not being able to answer.. I feel guilty that the questions even have to be asked. I think I'll go back to laying in the dark.

Overthinking

Something is bothering me..I'm not sure  what it is though.. My mood goes up and down and I'm suddenly feeling more down and lonely and I'm not sure why..I'm feeling mean and spiteful and I just want to be left alone..suddenly the need to run and hide is strong...to just go away .. I don't understand. Yesterday was OK right? I held off the thoughts but I guess today there was no holding them off and so they returned...they are back where they are comfortable .. Causing me to doubt and question and fear everything...

Happy Birthday

I made it through my birthday. I am 32 and I am alive. I worked hard to have a good day yesterday and overall it was good. Some down moments and struggles but lots of good moments too and I even got to spend the whole day with Sarah on Sunday. So overall a good birthday.

What is the next move?

I'm not sure what to think right now..or even what to do...I know I'm being irrational and impulsive.. I know I'm thinking to much and to fast..planning stupid things...I know better than to plot things when I'm feeling this way..because right now I'm ready to quit everything and disappear..just walk away...or die..like I said..not thinking clearly...I've been trying to write this forever but I'm distracted as all heck... So much has happened in the last few days and my brain is hurting from thinking so much...

I'm trying so,hard to,find the bone crushing depression over losing my job...I really am..but it's not there..I,am fighting myself over the idea of losing my job..over the idea that I am supposed to work...that I am not supposed to be fired..that is what I am fighting...the job its self though..No..I cried yesterday because  it hurts being fired ..but no,I,am glad  to be gone..I'm glad to not have that stress..that,fear and worry..I didn't like it there...but I felt like I had no other option because  of my background issues..like I had  to stay..because they were the only place that would hire me.. that was my mistake..I stayed..And suffered for no good reason...so now that option  is gone completely and I am happy on one happy and stressed to the max on the other. I mean I don't have a job. What am I going to do. How am I going to manage. I'll be able to get buy until Nov if im incredibly careful and do nothing extra..and count every cent...I was going to stop the meds but I won't do that. I'm still going to get something small for my birthday and pay the bills . I'll be able to pay rent  for Oct. And I'll need to have a job by Nov pretty much..that is what I'm looking at. Sarah will be going to the training then in oct  an  of course I'm going but I'm stressed  about getting there an  stuff..we can't take my car so yeah..Just more money..I'm worrying about her and she is worrying about me. It's kinda funny. 

I'm down about my birthday. I mean I'm getting stuff. I'm worried about being by myself a bit...actually in general I'm just worried about myself right now..I have razors...real ones this time..And a plan...im not surprised...I know what it will  take to use them...No thinking involved...sad  right..but birthday..I'm going to try to make it as ok as I can..I feel stupid asking avante If  she is planning anything..an i   feel useless like cooking my own dinner and buying my own cake but it is what it is..it's not like I haven't done it before..it's not the end of the world.. so I'll just make it a nice day..And try not to cry and stuff.. rent some movies and order a build a bear..And fix dinner an  have cake with the kids. It will be nice. It will keep me busy. Maybe a can find a cheap portable DVD player since my tv isn't working and I really want to watch movies..And I know I'm getting the book of life.. 

I'm pretty sad that the stupid race is going to have everything blocked off around Sarah's house and I won't be able to get through..that makes me frustrated..And I feel lonely already..

Maybe I'll take a nap...I'm feeling badly  again...

Outlook ..abuse..mental illness..families

I watched a movie today called Mississippi Burning...I watched mainly because of the description.. I told the story of three kids and kind of followed there life of how they got through growing up with abuse, family issues, alcoholism, etc..it go my interest. These movies generally always get my interest. I watch them to see the outcome. I want to know if they are saved, if they are helped. I want to know if they make it out in the real world. So I watched it and it made me cry as generally these movies do. This time there was no real anger, just a lot of sadness, a lot of wondering if there is any real hope for true honest to goodness recovery and if it is even worth it.

The cycle repeats over and over within families. Generally there is the one kid who makes it out and gets away for it all. But really just how much are they getting away from. You can't run away from your past, you can't run from the memories, the fear, the harm that was done. You can try, you can pretend, you can try to hide from it, you can use other ways to escape it, but it is still there waiting. Against all odds your past can out wait your defenses, what will it take ? How can it wait? 5, 10, 15, 20,30 or more years before the flood gates open and suddenly all those little quirks of yours suddenly begin to make sense. There is a reason you don't like loud noise or check the windows or only wear a certain color or whatever it may be. It's not made up, its not that you are crazy. Everything has a reason, a cause, a beginning point ( in my opinion anyway) .

I just became disheartening watching it. Three generations of these families..one generation after the other, falling apart. No one catching the signs. No one seeing the hurt or the problems. One alcoholic parent raises an alcoholic child, one abused child abuses other children, and then accuses the hurt child ( who has at this point grown up) for not warning another child. There was no help or understanding given as children and so they grow up repeating what they know..the adults continuing the same behaviors..each kid slowing giving up and staying in the same cycle..and the one child that is trying to get out, they are trying to pull her back in. Telling her she can't make it out there. She does leave in the end, but it takes a lot of issues to get her to that point you know..and even then I wonder if she will make it. I wonder what she is carrying with her from her past. What demons will creep into her dreams. What demands will be placed on her while she is gone that will drive her back home to the place she is trying so hard to escape from.

Maybe I should have watched the movie in a better head space, who knows. The outcome may have been the same. I just wonder what the point is. Yes I made it out in some ways but I am still locked in my family. My mom still has a firm grip on me when it comes to certain things. The triggers can still send me onto unstable ground faster than I can blink and I am left wondering what the point truly is. What life am I fighting for when I can barely stay out of survival mode. I am self destructive to myself but would never harm anyone else. I see my therapist and take the meds when I can afford them and still can't stay stable. The outlook is bleak. The birthday is Monday and I may be extra depressing because of of that but really..what am I missing? A million messages everyday to be happy to find happiness to stay in recovery, to have hope, so on and so forth..and then I read something or watch something and reality hits and its like recovery really sucks. It's not all rainbows and sunshine.. It's snot and tears and wanting to die and talking about painful stuff and still having to interact with the world without burning shit down or cursing someone for just breathing next to you.. No one wants to hear that though. They want to hear how you are happy and recovered and being a productive member of society...I hate to break it to you but most days I'm not productive..most days I lay in bed and try not to kill myself honestly. That is me being a productive member of society. I can even multitask and smile and play farmville while I'm doing it. Ugh.

Maybe I'm still that kid waiting to be saved from myself and pissed off that it doesn't happen that way for adults. I'm expected to suck it up and deal with what life throws at me. Life doesn't play fair. Life throws the past and the present at the same time and trying to tell the difference between the two causes a lot problems. That is when I have conversations going and things getting mixed up. That is when I can't figure out why I'm worthless and stupid but without a reason. The demons currently have an unfair advantage... They are winning the fight.

You deserve to die
I hate you so very much
Just go away and leave everyone alone

waiting and tears

I am overwhelmed...I already feel like a failure and the feeling just increases...each day it has continue  to increase and as it increases the feeling of giving up..being done nightlife and everything come with it..I feel tired..drained...sick of trying..My birthday aggravates these thoughts..How dare I celebrate a day that is not mine to celebrate.. an age I was never supposed to reach..another year with out my sister and I am supposed to be happy? For what reason exactly? Looking back at this year makes me feel worthless in so many ways...so much has happened...so much to deal with..so much to accept and live with and jobs..moving..money..stress..health stuff..so much going wrong..so much stress and fear..it over shadows the good moments..I can't truly say my entire year sucked...most of it did but I did have happy times with Sarah and nia. and noa and meeting Marley ... I spend a lot of.time at Sarah's house ..Well this whole year I've prolly spent half of it at her house...I don't mean to be so negative..right now..My mind is on overdrive an  I,can't seem to get things to slow down...I'm waiting for the inevitable...I'm waiting  to see what will happen today..what turn will my life take today..Will I end up back in serious survival mode..Will i  become suicidal...Will I go back  to the serious cutting just to stay calm enough to get through each day and not freak out..I'm trying to plan..but I can't..what will I need to do..How can I survive...How will I survive..How much money will I need to  make it..How long will it take to find another job...what in the hell  I going to do...No I don't even want the job..I see the advertisements all over for places hiring...Will I be able to find a job that I'll be able to manage? And like? Maybe it is time for me to get out of the mental health field while I'm working on my own stuff ..I'm reacting to much...I'm getting to angry..I want to be left alone...I don't like this job and I certainly don't want to be there when they go under...right now I have no clear answers...And the unknown is staring at me and I hate it...I really do...I can't plan the unknown and I need to plan...I need to know.what will happen...And not knowing drives me crazy...No meds gives me no balance point...I have no ending point..I go and go an  there is nothing to stop me from breaking..I'm tired..I want to sleep..I can't get the head ache to stop..My head  hurts  so much..when did I eat last? Last.night? When I got off work? Goldfish? Am I hungry? No time for food. Better to just sleep until. The meeting...the dog stuff is stressful..go don't go..go..those ppl make me want to scream.I don't like them..have to play nice. Don't kick them. Don't yell or curse. Be nice. Hate them for what they are doing. They are inconsiderate and rude and stupid and a waste of space..so have to go there in oct..more. unknowns
 More worry. More stressors..more everything..mommy wants me to go to Ohio for her birthday. Money I don't have and a trip I don't want..I. feel.sick..I feel stupid forgotten..worthless..I am reminded that the cutting I did on Sunday was nothing..that I can do better if I want to sleep and feel better...so convincing...so believable...I shouldn't listen..I don't think I should listen..I don't know..I need something...something that will keep me distracted..something that will keep me slightly out of focus...anything..something..anything..I don't know...sleep..cry quietly so no one hears...




No one likes you anyway..it's best if I remind you of that now..you have nothing. You have no one. Quit being a baby and grow up.

past

So much for that lockdown...My brain is crying in pain..I,can't outwardly cry...so so..My eyes cry backwards...I wonder if it's possible for my body fill up with tears? Would I drown in my own tears?  My mind is on fast forward...And rewind..I'm thinking and trying not to thinking.I'm tryin  to remember and not remember...which pretty much means I'm tryin  to piece together things that don't completely make sense and end up feeling worse because  it doesn't make sense...  talked to Anita today,about happened with fat daddy..you know I don't remember his actual name...he was just,fat,daddy...And I'm also beginning to really think I don't have the best relationships with my cousins..some of them anyway...but anyway..he is younger than nee..,,went to there house once a month to get my hair done...it took forever....went for years..about we were caught..I guess she asked mommy to stop bringing me...I,thinkin  I just eventually started doing my own hair..I,wasn't comfortable there..  felt like I,was  being talked about..picked on..I didn't stand up for myself so they,said what,they wanted..I heard them..or thought I,hear  them and took it in...And believed that I had done something so awful..so wrong..I,knew I,was in trouble ..a lot of it.

It started off simple...I,had been dropped off to get my hair down..And.  was in the den area under the dryer..bored..watching tv...probably reading ...fat,daddy ma  have been playing down there but it was jus  the two,of us in the room at the time some how...I don't think i was paying much attention to him..I mean he was younger than me..but some how he ended up next to me on the couch or maybe stand in  in front of me...but his hand was in my shirt...  was surprised..scared.but more than anything I was scared of being caught..I think we both listened for his mom..My mom wasn't there she always dropped me and nia off..she never stayed...this went on for an hour or so i guess..he would come back and forth..touching me..when he heard his mom he would stop and move away...I didn't ask him to stop..I don't know why...the second time it happened  .I guess I expected it for what it was..it happened  back and forth the entire time I,was there but also included more.than just touching my chest..he moved to trying to kiss me and touching me between my legs...again I didn't touch him...the third and last time it happened his mom actually left the house...as soon as she left he came to me and the same stuff happened...  didn't know an older cousin was in the house..she caught us..she came yelling and cursing and grabbed him off of me..she said something to me but I don't know what..I thin  all I thought was that mommy was going to kill me..his mother  came home..an she of course was told what had been going on..she didn't ask me anything...he got a beating and she didn't speak to me at all...she called mommy and spent a long time on the phone..mommy came and didn't speak to me either..when we left and mommy got me in the car she started to hit me but stopped..she didn't hit me again for almost three days maybe..during that time..she threatened me.. she promised what,she would do to me for what I do done..told me I,was  awful disgusting,that,she couldn't stand to be around me..all,day over and over..until I was afraid of being in the house..I was afraid to be near her..at first I tried to defend myself..to say I hadn't started it..but I didn't know how to explain it wasn't  me..And who would believe the younger kid was behind it..all of them blamed me..And so I blamed me..I didn't stop it..I didn't say it was happened...they,wouldn't have believed me I  the beginning and they,certainly didn't believe me afterwards..why go through it twice...I was older...so I should have known better...it was the same with the other cousin....we were really close I age but I graduated first..so I'm older..I should have  made her stop and I didn't..I contravene remember...but I,didn't stop her...I knew to follow who ever gave out the rules...follow whoever was strongest...even if it meant being hurt..And I knew to keep it quiet because telling made it worse...that's what I learned growing up where all my needs were met and I was provided for.

Lockdown

Need to lock it all down.. my head..my thoughts...the urges.. i can feel them wanting to take over and that can't happen...not now...so it needs to all locked down..nothing in..nothing out ..I need it to be quiet.. I need to be able to be calm and OK and practical and reliable...I can't deal with my stuff and all that Sarah needs from me at the same time... so back burner for now...its OK. I'll be OK. Silence is my friend..right now I need to keep both Sarah and eddy safe...and fight the urges to cut... some how...Sarah tells me I'm reaching out and really fidgetty in my sleep...I don't know what's going on with my head right now...I need to ignore myself...focus on the outside....

When will i stop forgetting

Actually right now im feeling betrayal from all corners.. The thing at home that I wasn't included in..but talking to Nia today let me know how big it was and how many people can..but I was here. Guilty and ignored..the work issues popping up..and not being sure how to handle them...wilderwood lying to me is a betrayal but I'm going because I promised Sarah I would  ... I don't know if its just the month or so much going on ..so much stress and worrying about so many different thins..now car issues...and paying back Nia and rob has to start. Tramaine has been messaging me again .. Mommy is doing her usual.. Not out right asking for money but I know she needs some to thanks to Wayne being a dang jackass..my ability to curse is increasing at an alarming rate...I'm becoming depressed..more depressed than usual..more tearful...more unable to cope..and I don't know what I'm doing. . I forget what I'm doing..I try and fail so easily..I feel stupid and guilty so often lately...like I'm not doing enough..I'm not trying enough.  My thoughts are sinking.. The fact that it's September just makes me want to hide even more...September does not mean happy...there is no happy in this month and I keep forgetting that. Bad bad bad me

Betrayal

Not sure how to handle this...I work at a group home for adults..one of the residents self harms actively... She figured out I have self harmed..she asked about visible scars and I didn't deny it. A few times she has used this against me with the people in charge...but seee. The guy who owns the company knew before he hired me..because he asked when he interviewed me. But that is none of her business. So I explained that as needed to the program director when she asked me about it. No I didn't lose me job..now I'm being told this dang resident is telling other staff that I used to be a cutter..and that makes me really upset and hurt...its not her place to say any damn thing about me to anyone and she keeps doing it..I don't know what to do about it. And I'm so pissed off.any way I look at handling it leads to me getting fired...but this is just wrong. I don't know why she is doing this..I have worked off and on at this place for a year..why now? Why tell now?? Because I don't fall for her bs any more? I don't know... I can't seem to let this go...I can't help thinking that all the staff now think I'm awful and just like her..or now wonder why I know so much..or why I even work there... I feel like I'm being talked about..and I've done nothing...I don't feel anyone will come to me and ask...and so it will just be gossiping.. And I really hate that. I can't handle that or those thoughts

I am angry. Wilderwood did not tell the truth about this trip..of meeting half way and I'm just angry about things right now... And overwhelmed... And scared..

Im sinking

Something is really off..and has been off for a few days...it would come and go but now I think it is sticking around..I have literally spent all day in my room..not doing anything..not really talking to anyone.. Not really eating..just laying down..just being here because I have no where else that I want to go..tears and sadness are close today and I am over whelmed and stressed..scared..thinking about now and the past and the future..I'm worried about Sarah and trying not to show it..I've been isolating and not feeling good..work..home..the hospital..talking to Sarah on the phone more than going to the hospital.. Hiding at home..self medicating..low energy..no interest.. Some suicidal thoughts no ideations. No plans..just little thoughts creeping through..I'm trying to keep the bulk of how I'm feeling and thinking to myself...I want to be left alone..my head hurts a lot right now..I'm trying to figure so much stuff out..I'm feeling left out..mommy told me about this party thing happening at home this weekend..I'm not invited..Nia and Henry and everyone will be going home .!but my actions fro. So long ago makes me an outcast..dark family secrets..I'm never truly invited to things.. But it hurts all the same..and the guilt and blame just becomes even more set in stone..it was my fault it happened and everyone who knows about it obviously agrees... So I stay away..I'm not welcome at these things..and I guess that is what is the driving force behind all of this..since writing that has caused me to start crying..and the need to be alone and hide and blame myself has increased..maybe I'll just go back to laying down in the dark and staring at nothing...this is one of those unknown nights?..I need to stay put..because getting allows me access to different things..I don't know. My thinking is off right now.

sad

I want to write but words escape me..sadness nd loneliness are eating at me. I'm so scared and worried and trying so hard to hide it. Sarah needs me to be strong. I have to be strong and calm. No crying. No cutting. I have to remind myself of these things daily..if I stop for to long or think to much I'll cry..I'm going tomorrow to see her..after I see Anita..I'm scared..I'm not strong..I'm so so sad

School

My memories of school are sketchy at best...I did enough work to pass..but I wasn't really engaged I guess...we moved when I was in elementary school.. Maybe middle of ,3rd grade or so..I was new and scared..mostly the other kids just wanted to hear me say different things because of my accent..I didn't make friends...I didn't really talk much.fear maybe..I was afraid to be noticed.. Lunch times where hard.in elementary school I know I had to stay in the cafeteria. I sat alone and rarely spoke to anyone. In middle and high school my gears jhad increased..there was more paranoia..I felt like I was being watched.I didn't have friends ..I rarely eat in the cafeteria.. I hid in the bathroom aalot to eat lunch and stuff because I was scared..sometimes I went to the library..but more often then not I was alone. I was bullyed ..because I was fat, because I was quiet..I don't know why.? I just didn't fit in..there was no place for me and I didn't know now to make a place for myself..

Sleep is taking over...bye

Touch

As much as I may try to fight it..I am drawn to touch ...I need it...I need it alot and that makes me so uncomfortable.. And I feel needy and clingy..I try to be OK by myself but alone I get trapped in my thoughts..and I end up not OK..but I want Sarah to touch me.?yesterday I was drowning in loneliness and today I feel content.. I spent a few hours at Sarah's and just laid down with her..we watch a movie but contact was kept between us..and as soon as I laid down and snuggled into her I calmed...immediately calm and quiet...I don't know how it happens but it does...it makes me want to be with her all the time..and never leave her...because I'm OK with her..I'm more than OK with her...it is difficult to produce these same feelings on my own.. I just want her..and only her..I can feel some jealous feelings popping up ...but trying to deal with them...

Just thinking

My thoughts aren't racing but I have a lot on my mind...I am tired..like my body..my bones..my brain.. I'm just so tired..I know I'm taking to many pain pills..I'm up to about 3 a day... My supply is lessening...I'm not taking them to get high or anything.. Half the time it's just to help me sleep..other times it is for back issues...but I have weird little water blisters popping up on my arm..and I don't know what's causing them...they don't hurt or itch or anything and a little scratch pops them open. It's just weird..I will have to make a list for the doc..blah I have a few things going on that I need to talk to her about...I am becoming more aware of my body and that scares me. I know it shouldn't but it does..I'm beginning to realize the pain I have inflicted on my body..the self harm..the b/p..not eating right..not moving enough...like I take care of my body like 15%...crap I can't even take a shower on a reg basis...and the more aware I become the more I'm getting antsy to make changes..give up sodas..eat better..join the y...take my meds right...the way I care about Sarah's health is what Anita wishes I would do for myself.

Work is hard right now...i m reacting alot ..I need to keep my head down and do my hours and go home...I have to get better at controlling the things I can control and stop trying to control the world..

My forgetfulness is increasing ..my anger is increasing..Anita said lack of sleep and maybe that is true..but I know myself..it increases when I'm stressed but right now I'm not 100% sure of what I'm stressed about..maybe some jealous pertaining to Sarah..and worry about her too.. Nervous about my birthday ? I m not sure..and I hate not knowing what's going on with myself.. I really do..

Today

Today has been a real struggle...I was so happy when Sarah told me she would get to come home today..my day was off to a good start...but work stuff happened and I slowly became angry and frustrated. I'm tired of the secrets..I'm tired of watching my words when I have so much to say...I wish I could feel as if I was truly free..I can't be myself..I can't celebrate my life with my family and it just makes me sad..I feel like such a loser and a liar..yes I have my other account.. But I just wish I could be myself and stop hiding so much.these days the secrets weigh heavily on me..the emotional backlash from remembering is happening..I have trouble containing the anger.the sadness. The fear..it all just makes me so tired.and I end up feeling like giving up.. Because it's to hard.. But I can't quit. I just can't..I have Sarah now.. I want to be with her and means being alive kind of...I don't know. I'm kinda rambling right now..I'm trying to cope. Pills are bad right now.. But I'm coloring and listening to music and reading...my last self harm was 8\18\15... Not serious a few scratches.. But I have to keep reaching out before things happen..that's the key..I'm jumping around between a lot of stuff.I think I'll go lay down since its after midnight..and I'm still up..get to see Sarah tomorrow before work..cuddle time before work...maybe just a little time to relax..and regroup before work..OK bed. Yeah

selfish thoughts..racing thoughts

Right now I am really feeling badly..like almost into the hopeless, nothing matters stage..when nothing makes me laugh or smile...when I feel so broken and can't stop crying...I argue the need to reach out and then can't manage to keep any type of conversation going..I'm blaming myself, feeling guilty, useless, afraid,.scared and alone...the need for impulsivity is high..very high...thoughts of how to hurt overwhelm my brain..And the. I shut down...I've thought through numerous scenarios..planned out the least obvious..even set it up to happen and I couldn't do it..so I can add failure to the list to. There is no relief when Sarah is in the hospital ..No amount of trying can get the tears to stop..I was with her today at the hospital and I was kind of ok..trying not to cry once we found out that she would be admitted...they have taken her away again and I am alone..I talk to her on the phone and I cry
.I'm so pathetic..And I hate myself for being so weak...I've talks  to his and mommy..I pushed what I was feeling way way down..No tears..Just explaining..showing how strong I can be..talked to someone from work..I was happy and talkative on the phone..all lies..all just so no one will know how broken I am feeling..I just want to be alone and I am alone...I told Sarah I would be hiding out in her apartment..And now I'm scared..her apartment feels darker without her..I want her here..I want hugs and kisses and to be able to see that she is ok...instead I can't deal and hide away from everyone...I wait for Sarah to call and try not to cry on the phone and beg her to come back..I don't mean to be so selfish..I don't know what to do with myself..I've cried so much I have a headache..I've been sitting silence for hours..I did read a bit..but that's about all...I overage and didn't throw up so now I'm feeling a bit sick..stupid choices I make..How do I ever pass for an adult? Right now I feel like a very sad and lonely little girl..I don't feel safe. I am afraid..but i have to keep being strong...so I cry quietly in the dark while writing...do I nee  to take more pills?? Why can't I sleep? I need to stop thinking...o want to stop feeling...I am not myself without her...

Yeah..selfish is all I am

fears

I'm afraid to sleep...I'm afraid if I sleep I won't hear if Sarah needs me....I feel like crying because I really am at a loss for what to do..she is hurting and in pain and sick..And all.comes can do is wait for the doctors to figure out what's going on...she's been sick twice tonight and all I could do was help her  get cleaned up tell her it's ok..I have to keep watch..o have to help but I don't know how..I know she is feeling bad about getting sick..And I'll keep reassuring her that things will get better..I'll need to,keep my hormones in check..And stay calm...for her...

The sadly funny thing is that I decided not to be in bed with her because her legs are bothering her...if I had been in the be  with her I'm not sure my gag reflex would have held out...there were a couple iffy mime talk an  I had to take a step back and breathe before I hurled too..things are quiet now and I'm hoping Sarah is sleeping...she really is tired...Maybe I'll quietly watch Netflix or something...I just keep thinking I need to be up...

so many thoughts

My brain is overloaded ...I'm so excited to see Anita tomorrow...And I'm even more excited to know I'll get to.stay with Sarah until Friday morning..a much needed break..And much needed together time...gripes I'm sleepy..Ok lay down and then write..yeah

progress...acceptance

 you know..i came to my sisters house determined to relax and have a good time and all of that..i knew we would be going to the pool at least twice ..and i love going to the pool...i havent been in years really...i stopped going pretty much when the scars started accumulating ... i couldnt show them to anyone..i couldnt let anyone see them..or even know they were there...half of the time i pretended that they werent there...i can still look right at them and not acknowledge them at all..i dont see them...i convinced myself that they werent there...in reality yes i could see them..but at the time i wasnt truly seeing them...for years i wasnt truly seeing them...i would go back to and forth to therapy and talk about it a little or not talk about it..but now things are beginning to reach a point of being different...of seeing myself differently..something is changing and i cant really put my finger on it..but lately ive been wearing tshirts that dont really completely hide my scars...i came to nias house and put on a bathing suit and went to the pool..and got in...i cant hide the scars on my legs..but i tried to still keep my arms covered up..but i was in the pool...i had to work really hard to just focus on being there with nia and noa and curvon and not that people were looking at me ..or judging me...i had moments of just really wanting to hide out and got nervous from so many people being aorund me..and not being able to just say ok ive had enough its time to go...i wanted the kids to have a good time ..and heck we paid to get in..i wanted to have a good time too..but so often fear sends me running in the oppisite direction...i wont do a lot of things because of the scars...and the fear of them being seen and wondering what people will think...but i know they scars arent going away..they arent..they wont grow any smaller..they wont fade out..they are there permanently..and i guess i took responsibility for the cutting but ive never accepted it...sometimes im able to see it as a behavior...sometimes not...its still touch and go..but this time i was determined to have fun..and it took a lot but i did go to the pool and the museum and all sorts of stuff...i wore a skirt..and tshirts ..and i know at times my scars showed..i know they definitely showed at the pool...i still pull at my shirts trying to hide them when im out..but that is more of just a nervous habit ...but its to freaking out for long sleeves..no i dont think i will ever get to the point of wearing tank tops except when im by myself or with sarah...but maybe ill get around to wearing shorts again...or going to the pool more often...even holding noa in the bottom picture scared me when i realized that she is pulling at my shirt...my scars are showing..and i was going to take the picture down..but then i changed my mind..and left it up...i like the picture..i dont want to be ashamed of it..and take it down and hide it away..so i did put it on facebook..on my main page ... yeah im hoping no one makes comments about it..im not so sure i can handle that...buti cant  control what other ppl do can it?  sigh...i wish i could but i cant...so maybe the small rebellion has begun...slowly the scars controlling me will let up and ill be able to breathe...

my niece in her innocence has showed the world my scars...i wont hide away from it...i cant...she will get older and ask me what happened...i still want to be able to tell her the truth..that i struggled but i got help and got better...

worried

I,am,scared and worried about Sarah...And now I'm far away and can't get t  her and all I can.,do is be reassuring and be there for he  over the phone.. I'm afraid she is going to have to go back to the hospital and that scares me..I'm already trying to shut myself down and do stupid things out of fear..I want her ok and better and her not feeling good makes me cry...I  glad it's.the.silent tears right now
..I'm aat nias..which will keep me safe but I want to be with Sarah..i have to keep it together..I have to stay in control...I have to. Stop crying..I will be talking to Sarah in about three hours and will check on her..today is doubly sad because Emerson is going t  his new home today :(  Maybe I need to lay down for a bit...I have been up since 6 worrying...I'm just scared...I want her to feel better..she is the strong one..I'm not..without her I keep falling apart....No more leaving her...I don't think I can handle it...

This one speaks to me

I'm lost without her :( :( :(

Sad thoughts. jealous thoughts

I'm just feeling off.sad. lonely..afraid..Sarah is still in the hospital.. She is still sick..they keep changing when she can go home..its Wed and she is still there ..I miss her and I do go to the hospital.. As much as my anxiety allows..so like every other day..I feel so disappointed that I can't manage the hospital.. She is stuck in there and I can't even get myself to visit her everyday..we talk on the phone a lot..but I miss seeing her...and I'm feeling jealous of the around the clock care...I'm so screwed up...-sigh-

And I have a friend who just made her two year milestone of being si free..I'm super proud of her..and sad for myself..thanks to recent behaviors I'm on day three..my count keeps getting started over...that's what I get for being impulsive...I'm ashamed to say that the hurt from the scratches was a welcome feeling.I liked it..I needed it..I wanted it..I don't know..I'm just feeling so stressed out and worried and I'm just doing a lot of stuff to kind of ignore it all and not have to deal with it..I'm making poor choices.. But right now I don't see any other way to deal...my supports aren't there and I fall apart without them :(  my lack of being able to deal on my own is appalling.. I'm not thinking.. Lately I'm to drugged and out of it to really think clearly...

Things are a struggle

I'm struggling a lot right now...just making some not so good choices and going back to hurting myself in a lot of ways..I'm scared with Sarah in the hospital.. I'm frustrated that I can't handle being in the hospital with her..I can't keep control of the anxiety..I panic..I can't sit still..I'm worried...work is draining me..I'm not complaining I need the money..but I'm so tired and feeling on edge..the expectations are even higher.. There is not enough staff.. I've done doubles for the past two weekends..I'm working full time and I'm only prn staff..I'm being asked if I would consider the house manager position..I'm upset that I can't see Anita. I am feeling so overwhelmed without her..I need someone to talk to..there is so much in my head..I'm trying..well I was trying harder but Sarah ended up in the hospital and I lost it...instantly got overwhelmed and started scratching my arm..nothing deep but it hurt..and I keep taking the percocets I have...its numbing me out a bit..but I know I'm not working today and so im staying a bit out of it...I'm tired..but can't sleep..I didn't sleep well last night...I think when I'm not sleeping well things get worse.. And working overnight has messed with my sleep schedule... And I need to get my meds filled..and going out of town maybe..but Sarah is not feeling well.. And I'm afraid to leave her..maybe I'll go and lay back down for a bit..

a mess

Currently a crying slightly drugged mess..can barely keep my eyes open and fighting the urge for more pills. Scratching at my arms...it burns but if you don't know what to look for.you won't see them. No razors. I want razors. The fears overwhelm me..I'm cracking..
I just want t  sleep and not think or feel anything. Stressed and anxious and overwhelmed..And scared cas Sarah in hospital and I don't do good in hospitals and I try but get so anxious.. and scared something back  is going to happen. It's hard for me to be there but I don't want to leave her by herself..And I'm trying not to shut her  out. But want her to feel better and not worry about me..I'm ok .  I'll be ok  . I just need to sleep. Yeah

Important

I wish I could copy what Sarah wrote to me yesterday when I was feeling so lost and empty...it meant a lot seeing it..hearing it..

I feel like I'm remembering to much..to quickly..the urge to hurt is very strong..overmedicating a lot..i just want to sleep..and not think...I'm writing.. I am

wanting comfort

I'm feeling on edge and a little unsafe..today was a sad  day because today is the day my sister died so long ago..sad..And no idea how to grieve..Just felt off..I ended up being with Sarah today..she had surgery yesterday and is doing pretty good but still in pain..And so I stayed with her last night and today...I forgot the date though..until I woke up and was online..And then I didn't want to be by myself..And I spent a lot of time laying down with Sarah..she is stuck in bed..And. i do like laying with her..mostly slept but we did talk about somethings to and working on plans for things...we now have a plan b and a time frame...I think I've been needing a lot of comfort and haven't been getting it..I'm not asking for it and I don't know..I just get scared asking... but I've gotten more Percocet...a fair amount...I'm not cutting..that the important thing isn't it?? I'm just overmedicating..a little..I don't know..