Sad thoughts. jealous thoughts

I'm just feeling off.sad. lonely..afraid..Sarah is still in the hospital.. She is still sick..they keep changing when she can go home..its Wed and she is still there ..I miss her and I do go to the hospital.. As much as my anxiety allows..so like every other day..I feel so disappointed that I can't manage the hospital.. She is stuck in there and I can't even get myself to visit her everyday..we talk on the phone a lot..but I miss seeing her...and I'm feeling jealous of the around the clock care...I'm so screwed up...-sigh-

And I have a friend who just made her two year milestone of being si free..I'm super proud of her..and sad for myself..thanks to recent behaviors I'm on day three..my count keeps getting started over...that's what I get for being impulsive...I'm ashamed to say that the hurt from the scratches was a welcome feeling.I liked it..I needed it..I wanted it..I don't know..I'm just feeling so stressed out and worried and I'm just doing a lot of stuff to kind of ignore it all and not have to deal with it..I'm making poor choices.. But right now I don't see any other way to deal...my supports aren't there and I fall apart without them :(  my lack of being able to deal on my own is appalling.. I'm not thinking.. Lately I'm to drugged and out of it to really think clearly...