waiting and tears

I am overwhelmed...I already feel like a failure and the feeling just increases...each day it has continue  to increase and as it increases the feeling of giving up..being done nightlife and everything come with it..I feel tired..drained...sick of trying..My birthday aggravates these thoughts..How dare I celebrate a day that is not mine to celebrate.. an age I was never supposed to reach..another year with out my sister and I am supposed to be happy? For what reason exactly? Looking back at this year makes me feel worthless in so many ways...so much has happened...so much to deal with..so much to accept and live with and jobs..moving..money..stress..health stuff..so much going wrong..so much stress and fear..it over shadows the good moments..I can't truly say my entire year sucked...most of it did but I did have happy times with Sarah and nia. and noa and meeting Marley ... I spend a lot of.time at Sarah's house ..Well this whole year I've prolly spent half of it at her house...I don't mean to be so negative..right now..My mind is on overdrive an  I,can't seem to get things to slow down...I'm waiting for the inevitable...I'm waiting  to see what will happen today..what turn will my life take today..Will I end up back in serious survival mode..Will i  become suicidal...Will I go back  to the serious cutting just to stay calm enough to get through each day and not freak out..I'm trying to plan..but I can't..what will I need to do..How can I survive...How will I survive..How much money will I need to  make it..How long will it take to find another job...what in the hell  I going to do...No I don't even want the job..I see the advertisements all over for places hiring...Will I be able to find a job that I'll be able to manage? And like? Maybe it is time for me to get out of the mental health field while I'm working on my own stuff ..I'm reacting to much...I'm getting to angry..I want to be left alone...I don't like this job and I certainly don't want to be there when they go under...right now I have no clear answers...And the unknown is staring at me and I hate it...I really do...I can't plan the unknown and I need to plan...I need to know.what will happen...And not knowing drives me crazy...No meds gives me no balance point...I have no ending point..I go and go an  there is nothing to stop me from breaking..I'm tired..I want to sleep..I can't get the head ache to stop..My head  hurts  so much..when did I eat last? Last.night? When I got off work? Goldfish? Am I hungry? No time for food. Better to just sleep until. The meeting...the dog stuff is stressful..go don't go..go..those ppl make me want to scream.I don't like them..have to play nice. Don't kick them. Don't yell or curse. Be nice. Hate them for what they are doing. They are inconsiderate and rude and stupid and a waste of space..so have to go there in oct..more. unknowns
 More worry. More stressors..more everything..mommy wants me to go to Ohio for her birthday. Money I don't have and a trip I don't want..I. feel.sick..I feel stupid forgotten..worthless..I am reminded that the cutting I did on Sunday was nothing..that I can do better if I want to sleep and feel better...so convincing...so believable...I shouldn't listen..I don't think I should listen..I don't know..I need something...something that will keep me distracted..something that will keep me slightly out of focus...anything..something..anything..I don't know...sleep..cry quietly so no one hears...




No one likes you anyway..it's best if I remind you of that now..you have nothing. You have no one. Quit being a baby and grow up.