selfish thoughts..racing thoughts

Right now I am really feeling badly..like almost into the hopeless, nothing matters stage..when nothing makes me laugh or smile...when I feel so broken and can't stop crying...I argue the need to reach out and then can't manage to keep any type of conversation going..I'm blaming myself, feeling guilty, useless, afraid,.scared and alone...the need for impulsivity is high..very high...thoughts of how to hurt overwhelm my brain..And the. I shut down...I've thought through numerous scenarios..planned out the least obvious..even set it up to happen and I couldn't do it..so I can add failure to the list to. There is no relief when Sarah is in the hospital ..No amount of trying can get the tears to stop..I was with her today at the hospital and I was kind of ok..trying not to cry once we found out that she would be admitted...they have taken her away again and I am alone..I talk to her on the phone and I cry
.I'm so pathetic..And I hate myself for being so weak...I've talks  to his and mommy..I pushed what I was feeling way way down..No tears..Just explaining..showing how strong I can be..talked to someone from work..I was happy and talkative on the phone..all lies..all just so no one will know how broken I am feeling..I just want to be alone and I am alone...I told Sarah I would be hiding out in her apartment..And now I'm scared..her apartment feels darker without her..I want her here..I want hugs and kisses and to be able to see that she is ok...instead I can't deal and hide away from everyone...I wait for Sarah to call and try not to cry on the phone and beg her to come back..I don't mean to be so selfish..I don't know what to do with myself..I've cried so much I have a headache..I've been sitting silence for hours..I did read a bit..but that's about all...I overage and didn't throw up so now I'm feeling a bit sick..stupid choices I make..How do I ever pass for an adult? Right now I feel like a very sad and lonely little girl..I don't feel safe. I am afraid..but i have to keep being strong...so I cry quietly in the dark while writing...do I nee  to take more pills?? Why can't I sleep? I need to stop thinking...o want to stop feeling...I am not myself without her...

Yeah..selfish is all I am