Something is really off..and has been off for a few days...it would come and go but now I think it is sticking around..I have literally spent all day in my room..not doing anything..not really talking to anyone.. Not really eating..just laying down..just being here because I have no where else that I want to go..tears and sadness are close today and I am over whelmed and stressed..scared..thinking about now and the past and the future..I'm worried about Sarah and trying not to show it..I've been isolating and not feeling good..work..home..the hospital..talking to Sarah on the phone more than going to the hospital.. Hiding at home..self medicating..low energy..no interest.. Some suicidal thoughts no ideations. No plans..just little thoughts creeping through..I'm trying to keep the bulk of how I'm feeling and thinking to myself...I want to be left alone..my head hurts a lot right now..I'm trying to figure so much stuff out..I'm feeling left out..mommy told me about this party thing happening at home this weekend..I'm not invited..Nia and Henry and everyone will be going home .!but my actions fro. So long ago makes me an outcast..dark family secrets..I'm never truly invited to things.. But it hurts all the same..and the guilt and blame just becomes even more set in stone..it was my fault it happened and everyone who knows about it obviously agrees... So I stay away..I'm not welcome at these things..and I guess that is what is the driving force behind all of this..since writing that has caused me to start crying..and the need to be alone and hide and blame myself has increased..maybe I'll just go back to laying down in the dark and staring at nothing...this is one of those unknown nights?..I need to stay put..because getting allows me access to different things..I don't know. My thinking is off right now.
No comments:
Post a Comment