past

So much for that lockdown...My brain is crying in pain..I,can't outwardly cry...so so..My eyes cry backwards...I wonder if it's possible for my body fill up with tears? Would I drown in my own tears?  My mind is on fast forward...And rewind..I'm thinking and trying not to thinking.I'm tryin  to remember and not remember...which pretty much means I'm tryin  to piece together things that don't completely make sense and end up feeling worse because  it doesn't make sense...  talked to Anita today,about happened with fat daddy..you know I don't remember his actual name...he was just,fat,daddy...And I'm also beginning to really think I don't have the best relationships with my cousins..some of them anyway...but anyway..he is younger than nee..,,went to there house once a month to get my hair done...it took forever....went for years..about we were caught..I guess she asked mommy to stop bringing me...I,thinkin  I just eventually started doing my own hair..I,wasn't comfortable there..  felt like I,was  being talked about..picked on..I didn't stand up for myself so they,said what,they wanted..I heard them..or thought I,hear  them and took it in...And believed that I had done something so awful..so wrong..I,knew I,was in trouble ..a lot of it.

It started off simple...I,had been dropped off to get my hair down..And.  was in the den area under the dryer..bored..watching tv...probably reading ...fat,daddy ma  have been playing down there but it was jus  the two,of us in the room at the time some how...I don't think i was paying much attention to him..I mean he was younger than me..but some how he ended up next to me on the couch or maybe stand in  in front of me...but his hand was in my shirt...  was surprised..scared.but more than anything I was scared of being caught..I think we both listened for his mom..My mom wasn't there she always dropped me and nia off..she never stayed...this went on for an hour or so i guess..he would come back and forth..touching me..when he heard his mom he would stop and move away...I didn't ask him to stop..I don't know why...the second time it happened  .I guess I expected it for what it was..it happened  back and forth the entire time I,was there but also included more.than just touching my chest..he moved to trying to kiss me and touching me between my legs...again I didn't touch him...the third and last time it happened his mom actually left the house...as soon as she left he came to me and the same stuff happened...  didn't know an older cousin was in the house..she caught us..she came yelling and cursing and grabbed him off of me..she said something to me but I don't know what..I thin  all I thought was that mommy was going to kill me..his mother  came home..an she of course was told what had been going on..she didn't ask me anything...he got a beating and she didn't speak to me at all...she called mommy and spent a long time on the phone..mommy came and didn't speak to me either..when we left and mommy got me in the car she started to hit me but stopped..she didn't hit me again for almost three days maybe..during that time..she threatened me.. she promised what,she would do to me for what I do done..told me I,was  awful disgusting,that,she couldn't stand to be around me..all,day over and over..until I was afraid of being in the house..I was afraid to be near her..at first I tried to defend myself..to say I hadn't started it..but I didn't know how to explain it wasn't  me..And who would believe the younger kid was behind it..all of them blamed me..And so I blamed me..I didn't stop it..I didn't say it was happened...they,wouldn't have believed me I  the beginning and they,certainly didn't believe me afterwards..why go through it twice...I was older...so I should have known better...it was the same with the other cousin....we were really close I age but I graduated first..so I'm older..I should have  made her stop and I didn't..I contravene remember...but I,didn't stop her...I knew to follow who ever gave out the rules...follow whoever was strongest...even if it meant being hurt..And I knew to keep it quiet because telling made it worse...that's what I learned growing up where all my needs were met and I was provided for.