What is the next move?

I'm not sure what to think right now..or even what to do...I know I'm being irrational and impulsive.. I know I'm thinking to much and to fast..planning stupid things...I know better than to plot things when I'm feeling this way..because right now I'm ready to quit everything and disappear..just walk away...or die..like I said..not thinking clearly...I've been trying to write this forever but I'm distracted as all heck... So much has happened in the last few days and my brain is hurting from thinking so much...

I'm trying so,hard to,find the bone crushing depression over losing my job...I really am..but it's not there..I,am fighting myself over the idea of losing my job..over the idea that I am supposed to work...that I am not supposed to be fired..that is what I am fighting...the job its self though..No..I cried yesterday because  it hurts being fired ..but no,I,am glad  to be gone..I'm glad to not have that stress..that,fear and worry..I didn't like it there...but I felt like I had no other option because  of my background issues..like I had  to stay..because they were the only place that would hire me.. that was my mistake..I stayed..And suffered for no good reason...so now that option  is gone completely and I am happy on one happy and stressed to the max on the other. I mean I don't have a job. What am I going to do. How am I going to manage. I'll be able to get buy until Nov if im incredibly careful and do nothing extra..and count every cent...I was going to stop the meds but I won't do that. I'm still going to get something small for my birthday and pay the bills . I'll be able to pay rent  for Oct. And I'll need to have a job by Nov pretty much..that is what I'm looking at. Sarah will be going to the training then in oct  an  of course I'm going but I'm stressed  about getting there an  stuff..we can't take my car so yeah..Just more money..I'm worrying about her and she is worrying about me. It's kinda funny. 

I'm down about my birthday. I mean I'm getting stuff. I'm worried about being by myself a bit...actually in general I'm just worried about myself right now..I have razors...real ones this time..And a plan...im not surprised...I know what it will  take to use them...No thinking involved...sad  right..but birthday..I'm going to try to make it as ok as I can..I feel stupid asking avante If  she is planning anything..an i   feel useless like cooking my own dinner and buying my own cake but it is what it is..it's not like I haven't done it before..it's not the end of the world.. so I'll just make it a nice day..And try not to cry and stuff.. rent some movies and order a build a bear..And fix dinner an  have cake with the kids. It will be nice. It will keep me busy. Maybe a can find a cheap portable DVD player since my tv isn't working and I really want to watch movies..And I know I'm getting the book of life.. 

I'm pretty sad that the stupid race is going to have everything blocked off around Sarah's house and I won't be able to get through..that makes me frustrated..And I feel lonely already..

Maybe I'll take a nap...I'm feeling badly  again...