Today

Today has been a real struggle...I was so happy when Sarah told me she would get to come home today..my day was off to a good start...but work stuff happened and I slowly became angry and frustrated. I'm tired of the secrets..I'm tired of watching my words when I have so much to say...I wish I could feel as if I was truly free..I can't be myself..I can't celebrate my life with my family and it just makes me sad..I feel like such a loser and a liar..yes I have my other account.. But I just wish I could be myself and stop hiding so much.these days the secrets weigh heavily on me..the emotional backlash from remembering is happening..I have trouble containing the anger.the sadness. The fear..it all just makes me so tired.and I end up feeling like giving up.. Because it's to hard.. But I can't quit. I just can't..I have Sarah now.. I want to be with her and means being alive kind of...I don't know. I'm kinda rambling right now..I'm trying to cope. Pills are bad right now.. But I'm coloring and listening to music and reading...my last self harm was 8\18\15... Not serious a few scratches.. But I have to keep reaching out before things happen..that's the key..I'm jumping around between a lot of stuff.I think I'll go lay down since its after midnight..and I'm still up..get to see Sarah tomorrow before work..cuddle time before work...maybe just a little time to relax..and regroup before work..OK bed. Yeah