progress...acceptance

 you know..i came to my sisters house determined to relax and have a good time and all of that..i knew we would be going to the pool at least twice ..and i love going to the pool...i havent been in years really...i stopped going pretty much when the scars started accumulating ... i couldnt show them to anyone..i couldnt let anyone see them..or even know they were there...half of the time i pretended that they werent there...i can still look right at them and not acknowledge them at all..i dont see them...i convinced myself that they werent there...in reality yes i could see them..but at the time i wasnt truly seeing them...for years i wasnt truly seeing them...i would go back to and forth to therapy and talk about it a little or not talk about it..but now things are beginning to reach a point of being different...of seeing myself differently..something is changing and i cant really put my finger on it..but lately ive been wearing tshirts that dont really completely hide my scars...i came to nias house and put on a bathing suit and went to the pool..and got in...i cant hide the scars on my legs..but i tried to still keep my arms covered up..but i was in the pool...i had to work really hard to just focus on being there with nia and noa and curvon and not that people were looking at me ..or judging me...i had moments of just really wanting to hide out and got nervous from so many people being aorund me..and not being able to just say ok ive had enough its time to go...i wanted the kids to have a good time ..and heck we paid to get in..i wanted to have a good time too..but so often fear sends me running in the oppisite direction...i wont do a lot of things because of the scars...and the fear of them being seen and wondering what people will think...but i know they scars arent going away..they arent..they wont grow any smaller..they wont fade out..they are there permanently..and i guess i took responsibility for the cutting but ive never accepted it...sometimes im able to see it as a behavior...sometimes not...its still touch and go..but this time i was determined to have fun..and it took a lot but i did go to the pool and the museum and all sorts of stuff...i wore a skirt..and tshirts ..and i know at times my scars showed..i know they definitely showed at the pool...i still pull at my shirts trying to hide them when im out..but that is more of just a nervous habit ...but its to freaking out for long sleeves..no i dont think i will ever get to the point of wearing tank tops except when im by myself or with sarah...but maybe ill get around to wearing shorts again...or going to the pool more often...even holding noa in the bottom picture scared me when i realized that she is pulling at my shirt...my scars are showing..and i was going to take the picture down..but then i changed my mind..and left it up...i like the picture..i dont want to be ashamed of it..and take it down and hide it away..so i did put it on facebook..on my main page ... yeah im hoping no one makes comments about it..im not so sure i can handle that...buti cant  control what other ppl do can it?  sigh...i wish i could but i cant...so maybe the small rebellion has begun...slowly the scars controlling me will let up and ill be able to breathe...

my niece in her innocence has showed the world my scars...i wont hide away from it...i cant...she will get older and ask me what happened...i still want to be able to tell her the truth..that i struggled but i got help and got better...