I watched a movie today called Mississippi Burning...I watched mainly because of the description.. I told the story of three kids and kind of followed there life of how they got through growing up with abuse, family issues, alcoholism, etc..it go my interest. These movies generally always get my interest. I watch them to see the outcome. I want to know if they are saved, if they are helped. I want to know if they make it out in the real world. So I watched it and it made me cry as generally these movies do. This time there was no real anger, just a lot of sadness, a lot of wondering if there is any real hope for true honest to goodness recovery and if it is even worth it.
The cycle repeats over and over within families. Generally there is the one kid who makes it out and gets away for it all. But really just how much are they getting away from. You can't run away from your past, you can't run from the memories, the fear, the harm that was done. You can try, you can pretend, you can try to hide from it, you can use other ways to escape it, but it is still there waiting. Against all odds your past can out wait your defenses, what will it take ? How can it wait? 5, 10, 15, 20,30 or more years before the flood gates open and suddenly all those little quirks of yours suddenly begin to make sense. There is a reason you don't like loud noise or check the windows or only wear a certain color or whatever it may be. It's not made up, its not that you are crazy. Everything has a reason, a cause, a beginning point ( in my opinion anyway) .
I just became disheartening watching it. Three generations of these families..one generation after the other, falling apart. No one catching the signs. No one seeing the hurt or the problems. One alcoholic parent raises an alcoholic child, one abused child abuses other children, and then accuses the hurt child ( who has at this point grown up) for not warning another child. There was no help or understanding given as children and so they grow up repeating what they know..the adults continuing the same behaviors..each kid slowing giving up and staying in the same cycle..and the one child that is trying to get out, they are trying to pull her back in. Telling her she can't make it out there. She does leave in the end, but it takes a lot of issues to get her to that point you know..and even then I wonder if she will make it. I wonder what she is carrying with her from her past. What demons will creep into her dreams. What demands will be placed on her while she is gone that will drive her back home to the place she is trying so hard to escape from.
Maybe I should have watched the movie in a better head space, who knows. The outcome may have been the same. I just wonder what the point is. Yes I made it out in some ways but I am still locked in my family. My mom still has a firm grip on me when it comes to certain things. The triggers can still send me onto unstable ground faster than I can blink and I am left wondering what the point truly is. What life am I fighting for when I can barely stay out of survival mode. I am self destructive to myself but would never harm anyone else. I see my therapist and take the meds when I can afford them and still can't stay stable. The outlook is bleak. The birthday is Monday and I may be extra depressing because of of that but really..what am I missing? A million messages everyday to be happy to find happiness to stay in recovery, to have hope, so on and so forth..and then I read something or watch something and reality hits and its like recovery really sucks. It's not all rainbows and sunshine.. It's snot and tears and wanting to die and talking about painful stuff and still having to interact with the world without burning shit down or cursing someone for just breathing next to you.. No one wants to hear that though. They want to hear how you are happy and recovered and being a productive member of society...I hate to break it to you but most days I'm not productive..most days I lay in bed and try not to kill myself honestly. That is me being a productive member of society. I can even multitask and smile and play farmville while I'm doing it. Ugh.
Maybe I'm still that kid waiting to be saved from myself and pissed off that it doesn't happen that way for adults. I'm expected to suck it up and deal with what life throws at me. Life doesn't play fair. Life throws the past and the present at the same time and trying to tell the difference between the two causes a lot problems. That is when I have conversations going and things getting mixed up. That is when I can't figure out why I'm worthless and stupid but without a reason. The demons currently have an unfair advantage... They are winning the fight.
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