down

I'm feeling so down..My thoughts are getting darker..what's the point of fighting...the planning and plotting an  thinking are going on...what do I want to do..it's a choice..  i now.. I just keep making bad choices..And these choices will kill me...eventually...I'm just tired and feeling alone because I'm having a hard time pitting things into words..I can't ask for help when I don't know what's going on..I can't ask for comfort from Sarah when I don't even know why I want it...And not being included is makin  me sad..Well sadder...I know she would..but If  I'm not invited and not wanted then I'm not going to show up.but it doesn't help my any thing..to be pushed aside for reasons I don't fully understand..but it's ok..I'm not bothered. I'm fine..it's a part of life. I am reminded again that regardless of it all I will never fight in..

Aimless...

I'm just feeling so aimless right now ..I'm not sure what I want to do and the energy and drive isn't there to do anything with either..I'm sick of laying in bed..but I'm stuck in my head..which aggravates the already aggravated symptoms of my head and leaves me with to much time to think and plan and remember and wonder and question and feel useless.. And I just wonder what I am doing. What am I supposed to be doing and I'm afraid to truly revisit that question from Anita about working and doing a job..and me and my views or plans or whatever you want to call it..I don't know what to call it..I can keep a job can't I ?? Have I become so messed up that I cant? Do I expect things to be given to me?? I don't know what to think..maybe it truly is better I get out of mental health and see how I do away from the field..just a regular job..no taking another peoples problems ..but at the same time. I don't trust my ability to do anything else...I can't be normal..I don't know how...I feel stupid.

Something is brewing in the corners .maybe that isn't the right choice of words... something is driving this current back and forth anger and sadness and I'm getting those questions I have no answers to. Why couldn't I protect us? Where was everyone at and why was no one there? Someone is looking for answers that I just don't have..I feel guilty for not being able to answer.. I feel guilty that the questions even have to be asked. I think I'll go back to laying in the dark.

Overthinking

Something is bothering me..I'm not sure  what it is though.. My mood goes up and down and I'm suddenly feeling more down and lonely and I'm not sure why..I'm feeling mean and spiteful and I just want to be left alone..suddenly the need to run and hide is strong...to just go away .. I don't understand. Yesterday was OK right? I held off the thoughts but I guess today there was no holding them off and so they returned...they are back where they are comfortable .. Causing me to doubt and question and fear everything...

Happy Birthday

I made it through my birthday. I am 32 and I am alive. I worked hard to have a good day yesterday and overall it was good. Some down moments and struggles but lots of good moments too and I even got to spend the whole day with Sarah on Sunday. So overall a good birthday.

What is the next move?

I'm not sure what to think right now..or even what to do...I know I'm being irrational and impulsive.. I know I'm thinking to much and to fast..planning stupid things...I know better than to plot things when I'm feeling this way..because right now I'm ready to quit everything and disappear..just walk away...or die..like I said..not thinking clearly...I've been trying to write this forever but I'm distracted as all heck... So much has happened in the last few days and my brain is hurting from thinking so much...

I'm trying so,hard to,find the bone crushing depression over losing my job...I really am..but it's not there..I,am fighting myself over the idea of losing my job..over the idea that I am supposed to work...that I am not supposed to be fired..that is what I am fighting...the job its self though..No..I cried yesterday because  it hurts being fired ..but no,I,am glad  to be gone..I'm glad to not have that stress..that,fear and worry..I didn't like it there...but I felt like I had no other option because  of my background issues..like I had  to stay..because they were the only place that would hire me.. that was my mistake..I stayed..And suffered for no good reason...so now that option  is gone completely and I am happy on one happy and stressed to the max on the other. I mean I don't have a job. What am I going to do. How am I going to manage. I'll be able to get buy until Nov if im incredibly careful and do nothing extra..and count every cent...I was going to stop the meds but I won't do that. I'm still going to get something small for my birthday and pay the bills . I'll be able to pay rent  for Oct. And I'll need to have a job by Nov pretty much..that is what I'm looking at. Sarah will be going to the training then in oct  an  of course I'm going but I'm stressed  about getting there an  stuff..we can't take my car so yeah..Just more money..I'm worrying about her and she is worrying about me. It's kinda funny. 

I'm down about my birthday. I mean I'm getting stuff. I'm worried about being by myself a bit...actually in general I'm just worried about myself right now..I have razors...real ones this time..And a plan...im not surprised...I know what it will  take to use them...No thinking involved...sad  right..but birthday..I'm going to try to make it as ok as I can..I feel stupid asking avante If  she is planning anything..an i   feel useless like cooking my own dinner and buying my own cake but it is what it is..it's not like I haven't done it before..it's not the end of the world.. so I'll just make it a nice day..And try not to cry and stuff.. rent some movies and order a build a bear..And fix dinner an  have cake with the kids. It will be nice. It will keep me busy. Maybe a can find a cheap portable DVD player since my tv isn't working and I really want to watch movies..And I know I'm getting the book of life.. 

I'm pretty sad that the stupid race is going to have everything blocked off around Sarah's house and I won't be able to get through..that makes me frustrated..And I feel lonely already..

Maybe I'll take a nap...I'm feeling badly  again...

Outlook ..abuse..mental illness..families

I watched a movie today called Mississippi Burning...I watched mainly because of the description.. I told the story of three kids and kind of followed there life of how they got through growing up with abuse, family issues, alcoholism, etc..it go my interest. These movies generally always get my interest. I watch them to see the outcome. I want to know if they are saved, if they are helped. I want to know if they make it out in the real world. So I watched it and it made me cry as generally these movies do. This time there was no real anger, just a lot of sadness, a lot of wondering if there is any real hope for true honest to goodness recovery and if it is even worth it.

The cycle repeats over and over within families. Generally there is the one kid who makes it out and gets away for it all. But really just how much are they getting away from. You can't run away from your past, you can't run from the memories, the fear, the harm that was done. You can try, you can pretend, you can try to hide from it, you can use other ways to escape it, but it is still there waiting. Against all odds your past can out wait your defenses, what will it take ? How can it wait? 5, 10, 15, 20,30 or more years before the flood gates open and suddenly all those little quirks of yours suddenly begin to make sense. There is a reason you don't like loud noise or check the windows or only wear a certain color or whatever it may be. It's not made up, its not that you are crazy. Everything has a reason, a cause, a beginning point ( in my opinion anyway) .

I just became disheartening watching it. Three generations of these families..one generation after the other, falling apart. No one catching the signs. No one seeing the hurt or the problems. One alcoholic parent raises an alcoholic child, one abused child abuses other children, and then accuses the hurt child ( who has at this point grown up) for not warning another child. There was no help or understanding given as children and so they grow up repeating what they know..the adults continuing the same behaviors..each kid slowing giving up and staying in the same cycle..and the one child that is trying to get out, they are trying to pull her back in. Telling her she can't make it out there. She does leave in the end, but it takes a lot of issues to get her to that point you know..and even then I wonder if she will make it. I wonder what she is carrying with her from her past. What demons will creep into her dreams. What demands will be placed on her while she is gone that will drive her back home to the place she is trying so hard to escape from.

Maybe I should have watched the movie in a better head space, who knows. The outcome may have been the same. I just wonder what the point is. Yes I made it out in some ways but I am still locked in my family. My mom still has a firm grip on me when it comes to certain things. The triggers can still send me onto unstable ground faster than I can blink and I am left wondering what the point truly is. What life am I fighting for when I can barely stay out of survival mode. I am self destructive to myself but would never harm anyone else. I see my therapist and take the meds when I can afford them and still can't stay stable. The outlook is bleak. The birthday is Monday and I may be extra depressing because of of that but really..what am I missing? A million messages everyday to be happy to find happiness to stay in recovery, to have hope, so on and so forth..and then I read something or watch something and reality hits and its like recovery really sucks. It's not all rainbows and sunshine.. It's snot and tears and wanting to die and talking about painful stuff and still having to interact with the world without burning shit down or cursing someone for just breathing next to you.. No one wants to hear that though. They want to hear how you are happy and recovered and being a productive member of society...I hate to break it to you but most days I'm not productive..most days I lay in bed and try not to kill myself honestly. That is me being a productive member of society. I can even multitask and smile and play farmville while I'm doing it. Ugh.

Maybe I'm still that kid waiting to be saved from myself and pissed off that it doesn't happen that way for adults. I'm expected to suck it up and deal with what life throws at me. Life doesn't play fair. Life throws the past and the present at the same time and trying to tell the difference between the two causes a lot problems. That is when I have conversations going and things getting mixed up. That is when I can't figure out why I'm worthless and stupid but without a reason. The demons currently have an unfair advantage... They are winning the fight.

You deserve to die
I hate you so very much
Just go away and leave everyone alone

waiting and tears

I am overwhelmed...I already feel like a failure and the feeling just increases...each day it has continue  to increase and as it increases the feeling of giving up..being done nightlife and everything come with it..I feel tired..drained...sick of trying..My birthday aggravates these thoughts..How dare I celebrate a day that is not mine to celebrate.. an age I was never supposed to reach..another year with out my sister and I am supposed to be happy? For what reason exactly? Looking back at this year makes me feel worthless in so many ways...so much has happened...so much to deal with..so much to accept and live with and jobs..moving..money..stress..health stuff..so much going wrong..so much stress and fear..it over shadows the good moments..I can't truly say my entire year sucked...most of it did but I did have happy times with Sarah and nia. and noa and meeting Marley ... I spend a lot of.time at Sarah's house ..Well this whole year I've prolly spent half of it at her house...I don't mean to be so negative..right now..My mind is on overdrive an  I,can't seem to get things to slow down...I'm waiting for the inevitable...I'm waiting  to see what will happen today..what turn will my life take today..Will I end up back in serious survival mode..Will i  become suicidal...Will I go back  to the serious cutting just to stay calm enough to get through each day and not freak out..I'm trying to plan..but I can't..what will I need to do..How can I survive...How will I survive..How much money will I need to  make it..How long will it take to find another job...what in the hell  I going to do...No I don't even want the job..I see the advertisements all over for places hiring...Will I be able to find a job that I'll be able to manage? And like? Maybe it is time for me to get out of the mental health field while I'm working on my own stuff ..I'm reacting to much...I'm getting to angry..I want to be left alone...I don't like this job and I certainly don't want to be there when they go under...right now I have no clear answers...And the unknown is staring at me and I hate it...I really do...I can't plan the unknown and I need to plan...I need to know.what will happen...And not knowing drives me crazy...No meds gives me no balance point...I have no ending point..I go and go an  there is nothing to stop me from breaking..I'm tired..I want to sleep..I can't get the head ache to stop..My head  hurts  so much..when did I eat last? Last.night? When I got off work? Goldfish? Am I hungry? No time for food. Better to just sleep until. The meeting...the dog stuff is stressful..go don't go..go..those ppl make me want to scream.I don't like them..have to play nice. Don't kick them. Don't yell or curse. Be nice. Hate them for what they are doing. They are inconsiderate and rude and stupid and a waste of space..so have to go there in oct..more. unknowns
 More worry. More stressors..more everything..mommy wants me to go to Ohio for her birthday. Money I don't have and a trip I don't want..I. feel.sick..I feel stupid forgotten..worthless..I am reminded that the cutting I did on Sunday was nothing..that I can do better if I want to sleep and feel better...so convincing...so believable...I shouldn't listen..I don't think I should listen..I don't know..I need something...something that will keep me distracted..something that will keep me slightly out of focus...anything..something..anything..I don't know...sleep..cry quietly so no one hears...




No one likes you anyway..it's best if I remind you of that now..you have nothing. You have no one. Quit being a baby and grow up.

past

So much for that lockdown...My brain is crying in pain..I,can't outwardly cry...so so..My eyes cry backwards...I wonder if it's possible for my body fill up with tears? Would I drown in my own tears?  My mind is on fast forward...And rewind..I'm thinking and trying not to thinking.I'm tryin  to remember and not remember...which pretty much means I'm tryin  to piece together things that don't completely make sense and end up feeling worse because  it doesn't make sense...  talked to Anita today,about happened with fat daddy..you know I don't remember his actual name...he was just,fat,daddy...And I'm also beginning to really think I don't have the best relationships with my cousins..some of them anyway...but anyway..he is younger than nee..,,went to there house once a month to get my hair done...it took forever....went for years..about we were caught..I guess she asked mommy to stop bringing me...I,thinkin  I just eventually started doing my own hair..I,wasn't comfortable there..  felt like I,was  being talked about..picked on..I didn't stand up for myself so they,said what,they wanted..I heard them..or thought I,hear  them and took it in...And believed that I had done something so awful..so wrong..I,knew I,was in trouble ..a lot of it.

It started off simple...I,had been dropped off to get my hair down..And.  was in the den area under the dryer..bored..watching tv...probably reading ...fat,daddy ma  have been playing down there but it was jus  the two,of us in the room at the time some how...I don't think i was paying much attention to him..I mean he was younger than me..but some how he ended up next to me on the couch or maybe stand in  in front of me...but his hand was in my shirt...  was surprised..scared.but more than anything I was scared of being caught..I think we both listened for his mom..My mom wasn't there she always dropped me and nia off..she never stayed...this went on for an hour or so i guess..he would come back and forth..touching me..when he heard his mom he would stop and move away...I didn't ask him to stop..I don't know why...the second time it happened  .I guess I expected it for what it was..it happened  back and forth the entire time I,was there but also included more.than just touching my chest..he moved to trying to kiss me and touching me between my legs...again I didn't touch him...the third and last time it happened his mom actually left the house...as soon as she left he came to me and the same stuff happened...  didn't know an older cousin was in the house..she caught us..she came yelling and cursing and grabbed him off of me..she said something to me but I don't know what..I thin  all I thought was that mommy was going to kill me..his mother  came home..an she of course was told what had been going on..she didn't ask me anything...he got a beating and she didn't speak to me at all...she called mommy and spent a long time on the phone..mommy came and didn't speak to me either..when we left and mommy got me in the car she started to hit me but stopped..she didn't hit me again for almost three days maybe..during that time..she threatened me.. she promised what,she would do to me for what I do done..told me I,was  awful disgusting,that,she couldn't stand to be around me..all,day over and over..until I was afraid of being in the house..I was afraid to be near her..at first I tried to defend myself..to say I hadn't started it..but I didn't know how to explain it wasn't  me..And who would believe the younger kid was behind it..all of them blamed me..And so I blamed me..I didn't stop it..I didn't say it was happened...they,wouldn't have believed me I  the beginning and they,certainly didn't believe me afterwards..why go through it twice...I was older...so I should have known better...it was the same with the other cousin....we were really close I age but I graduated first..so I'm older..I should have  made her stop and I didn't..I contravene remember...but I,didn't stop her...I knew to follow who ever gave out the rules...follow whoever was strongest...even if it meant being hurt..And I knew to keep it quiet because telling made it worse...that's what I learned growing up where all my needs were met and I was provided for.

Lockdown

Need to lock it all down.. my head..my thoughts...the urges.. i can feel them wanting to take over and that can't happen...not now...so it needs to all locked down..nothing in..nothing out ..I need it to be quiet.. I need to be able to be calm and OK and practical and reliable...I can't deal with my stuff and all that Sarah needs from me at the same time... so back burner for now...its OK. I'll be OK. Silence is my friend..right now I need to keep both Sarah and eddy safe...and fight the urges to cut... some how...Sarah tells me I'm reaching out and really fidgetty in my sleep...I don't know what's going on with my head right now...I need to ignore myself...focus on the outside....

When will i stop forgetting

Actually right now im feeling betrayal from all corners.. The thing at home that I wasn't included in..but talking to Nia today let me know how big it was and how many people can..but I was here. Guilty and ignored..the work issues popping up..and not being sure how to handle them...wilderwood lying to me is a betrayal but I'm going because I promised Sarah I would  ... I don't know if its just the month or so much going on ..so much stress and worrying about so many different thins..now car issues...and paying back Nia and rob has to start. Tramaine has been messaging me again .. Mommy is doing her usual.. Not out right asking for money but I know she needs some to thanks to Wayne being a dang jackass..my ability to curse is increasing at an alarming rate...I'm becoming depressed..more depressed than usual..more tearful...more unable to cope..and I don't know what I'm doing. . I forget what I'm doing..I try and fail so easily..I feel stupid and guilty so often lately...like I'm not doing enough..I'm not trying enough.  My thoughts are sinking.. The fact that it's September just makes me want to hide even more...September does not mean happy...there is no happy in this month and I keep forgetting that. Bad bad bad me

Betrayal

Not sure how to handle this...I work at a group home for adults..one of the residents self harms actively... She figured out I have self harmed..she asked about visible scars and I didn't deny it. A few times she has used this against me with the people in charge...but seee. The guy who owns the company knew before he hired me..because he asked when he interviewed me. But that is none of her business. So I explained that as needed to the program director when she asked me about it. No I didn't lose me job..now I'm being told this dang resident is telling other staff that I used to be a cutter..and that makes me really upset and hurt...its not her place to say any damn thing about me to anyone and she keeps doing it..I don't know what to do about it. And I'm so pissed off.any way I look at handling it leads to me getting fired...but this is just wrong. I don't know why she is doing this..I have worked off and on at this place for a year..why now? Why tell now?? Because I don't fall for her bs any more? I don't know... I can't seem to let this go...I can't help thinking that all the staff now think I'm awful and just like her..or now wonder why I know so much..or why I even work there... I feel like I'm being talked about..and I've done nothing...I don't feel anyone will come to me and ask...and so it will just be gossiping.. And I really hate that. I can't handle that or those thoughts

I am angry. Wilderwood did not tell the truth about this trip..of meeting half way and I'm just angry about things right now... And overwhelmed... And scared..

Im sinking

Something is really off..and has been off for a few days...it would come and go but now I think it is sticking around..I have literally spent all day in my room..not doing anything..not really talking to anyone.. Not really eating..just laying down..just being here because I have no where else that I want to go..tears and sadness are close today and I am over whelmed and stressed..scared..thinking about now and the past and the future..I'm worried about Sarah and trying not to show it..I've been isolating and not feeling good..work..home..the hospital..talking to Sarah on the phone more than going to the hospital.. Hiding at home..self medicating..low energy..no interest.. Some suicidal thoughts no ideations. No plans..just little thoughts creeping through..I'm trying to keep the bulk of how I'm feeling and thinking to myself...I want to be left alone..my head hurts a lot right now..I'm trying to figure so much stuff out..I'm feeling left out..mommy told me about this party thing happening at home this weekend..I'm not invited..Nia and Henry and everyone will be going home .!but my actions fro. So long ago makes me an outcast..dark family secrets..I'm never truly invited to things.. But it hurts all the same..and the guilt and blame just becomes even more set in stone..it was my fault it happened and everyone who knows about it obviously agrees... So I stay away..I'm not welcome at these things..and I guess that is what is the driving force behind all of this..since writing that has caused me to start crying..and the need to be alone and hide and blame myself has increased..maybe I'll just go back to laying down in the dark and staring at nothing...this is one of those unknown nights?..I need to stay put..because getting allows me access to different things..I don't know. My thinking is off right now.

sad

I want to write but words escape me..sadness nd loneliness are eating at me. I'm so scared and worried and trying so hard to hide it. Sarah needs me to be strong. I have to be strong and calm. No crying. No cutting. I have to remind myself of these things daily..if I stop for to long or think to much I'll cry..I'm going tomorrow to see her..after I see Anita..I'm scared..I'm not strong..I'm so so sad

School

My memories of school are sketchy at best...I did enough work to pass..but I wasn't really engaged I guess...we moved when I was in elementary school.. Maybe middle of ,3rd grade or so..I was new and scared..mostly the other kids just wanted to hear me say different things because of my accent..I didn't make friends...I didn't really talk much.fear maybe..I was afraid to be noticed.. Lunch times where hard.in elementary school I know I had to stay in the cafeteria. I sat alone and rarely spoke to anyone. In middle and high school my gears jhad increased..there was more paranoia..I felt like I was being watched.I didn't have friends ..I rarely eat in the cafeteria.. I hid in the bathroom aalot to eat lunch and stuff because I was scared..sometimes I went to the library..but more often then not I was alone. I was bullyed ..because I was fat, because I was quiet..I don't know why.? I just didn't fit in..there was no place for me and I didn't know now to make a place for myself..

Sleep is taking over...bye

Touch

As much as I may try to fight it..I am drawn to touch ...I need it...I need it alot and that makes me so uncomfortable.. And I feel needy and clingy..I try to be OK by myself but alone I get trapped in my thoughts..and I end up not OK..but I want Sarah to touch me.?yesterday I was drowning in loneliness and today I feel content.. I spent a few hours at Sarah's and just laid down with her..we watch a movie but contact was kept between us..and as soon as I laid down and snuggled into her I calmed...immediately calm and quiet...I don't know how it happens but it does...it makes me want to be with her all the time..and never leave her...because I'm OK with her..I'm more than OK with her...it is difficult to produce these same feelings on my own.. I just want her..and only her..I can feel some jealous feelings popping up ...but trying to deal with them...

Just thinking

My thoughts aren't racing but I have a lot on my mind...I am tired..like my body..my bones..my brain.. I'm just so tired..I know I'm taking to many pain pills..I'm up to about 3 a day... My supply is lessening...I'm not taking them to get high or anything.. Half the time it's just to help me sleep..other times it is for back issues...but I have weird little water blisters popping up on my arm..and I don't know what's causing them...they don't hurt or itch or anything and a little scratch pops them open. It's just weird..I will have to make a list for the doc..blah I have a few things going on that I need to talk to her about...I am becoming more aware of my body and that scares me. I know it shouldn't but it does..I'm beginning to realize the pain I have inflicted on my body..the self harm..the b/p..not eating right..not moving enough...like I take care of my body like 15%...crap I can't even take a shower on a reg basis...and the more aware I become the more I'm getting antsy to make changes..give up sodas..eat better..join the y...take my meds right...the way I care about Sarah's health is what Anita wishes I would do for myself.

Work is hard right now...i m reacting alot ..I need to keep my head down and do my hours and go home...I have to get better at controlling the things I can control and stop trying to control the world..

My forgetfulness is increasing ..my anger is increasing..Anita said lack of sleep and maybe that is true..but I know myself..it increases when I'm stressed but right now I'm not 100% sure of what I'm stressed about..maybe some jealous pertaining to Sarah..and worry about her too.. Nervous about my birthday ? I m not sure..and I hate not knowing what's going on with myself.. I really do..

Today

Today has been a real struggle...I was so happy when Sarah told me she would get to come home today..my day was off to a good start...but work stuff happened and I slowly became angry and frustrated. I'm tired of the secrets..I'm tired of watching my words when I have so much to say...I wish I could feel as if I was truly free..I can't be myself..I can't celebrate my life with my family and it just makes me sad..I feel like such a loser and a liar..yes I have my other account.. But I just wish I could be myself and stop hiding so much.these days the secrets weigh heavily on me..the emotional backlash from remembering is happening..I have trouble containing the anger.the sadness. The fear..it all just makes me so tired.and I end up feeling like giving up.. Because it's to hard.. But I can't quit. I just can't..I have Sarah now.. I want to be with her and means being alive kind of...I don't know. I'm kinda rambling right now..I'm trying to cope. Pills are bad right now.. But I'm coloring and listening to music and reading...my last self harm was 8\18\15... Not serious a few scratches.. But I have to keep reaching out before things happen..that's the key..I'm jumping around between a lot of stuff.I think I'll go lay down since its after midnight..and I'm still up..get to see Sarah tomorrow before work..cuddle time before work...maybe just a little time to relax..and regroup before work..OK bed. Yeah

selfish thoughts..racing thoughts

Right now I am really feeling badly..like almost into the hopeless, nothing matters stage..when nothing makes me laugh or smile...when I feel so broken and can't stop crying...I argue the need to reach out and then can't manage to keep any type of conversation going..I'm blaming myself, feeling guilty, useless, afraid,.scared and alone...the need for impulsivity is high..very high...thoughts of how to hurt overwhelm my brain..And the. I shut down...I've thought through numerous scenarios..planned out the least obvious..even set it up to happen and I couldn't do it..so I can add failure to the list to. There is no relief when Sarah is in the hospital ..No amount of trying can get the tears to stop..I was with her today at the hospital and I was kind of ok..trying not to cry once we found out that she would be admitted...they have taken her away again and I am alone..I talk to her on the phone and I cry
.I'm so pathetic..And I hate myself for being so weak...I've talks  to his and mommy..I pushed what I was feeling way way down..No tears..Just explaining..showing how strong I can be..talked to someone from work..I was happy and talkative on the phone..all lies..all just so no one will know how broken I am feeling..I just want to be alone and I am alone...I told Sarah I would be hiding out in her apartment..And now I'm scared..her apartment feels darker without her..I want her here..I want hugs and kisses and to be able to see that she is ok...instead I can't deal and hide away from everyone...I wait for Sarah to call and try not to cry on the phone and beg her to come back..I don't mean to be so selfish..I don't know what to do with myself..I've cried so much I have a headache..I've been sitting silence for hours..I did read a bit..but that's about all...I overage and didn't throw up so now I'm feeling a bit sick..stupid choices I make..How do I ever pass for an adult? Right now I feel like a very sad and lonely little girl..I don't feel safe. I am afraid..but i have to keep being strong...so I cry quietly in the dark while writing...do I nee  to take more pills?? Why can't I sleep? I need to stop thinking...o want to stop feeling...I am not myself without her...

Yeah..selfish is all I am

fears

I'm afraid to sleep...I'm afraid if I sleep I won't hear if Sarah needs me....I feel like crying because I really am at a loss for what to do..she is hurting and in pain and sick..And all.comes can do is wait for the doctors to figure out what's going on...she's been sick twice tonight and all I could do was help her  get cleaned up tell her it's ok..I have to keep watch..o have to help but I don't know how..I know she is feeling bad about getting sick..And I'll keep reassuring her that things will get better..I'll need to,keep my hormones in check..And stay calm...for her...

The sadly funny thing is that I decided not to be in bed with her because her legs are bothering her...if I had been in the be  with her I'm not sure my gag reflex would have held out...there were a couple iffy mime talk an  I had to take a step back and breathe before I hurled too..things are quiet now and I'm hoping Sarah is sleeping...she really is tired...Maybe I'll quietly watch Netflix or something...I just keep thinking I need to be up...

so many thoughts

My brain is overloaded ...I'm so excited to see Anita tomorrow...And I'm even more excited to know I'll get to.stay with Sarah until Friday morning..a much needed break..And much needed together time...gripes I'm sleepy..Ok lay down and then write..yeah

progress...acceptance

 you know..i came to my sisters house determined to relax and have a good time and all of that..i knew we would be going to the pool at least twice ..and i love going to the pool...i havent been in years really...i stopped going pretty much when the scars started accumulating ... i couldnt show them to anyone..i couldnt let anyone see them..or even know they were there...half of the time i pretended that they werent there...i can still look right at them and not acknowledge them at all..i dont see them...i convinced myself that they werent there...in reality yes i could see them..but at the time i wasnt truly seeing them...for years i wasnt truly seeing them...i would go back to and forth to therapy and talk about it a little or not talk about it..but now things are beginning to reach a point of being different...of seeing myself differently..something is changing and i cant really put my finger on it..but lately ive been wearing tshirts that dont really completely hide my scars...i came to nias house and put on a bathing suit and went to the pool..and got in...i cant hide the scars on my legs..but i tried to still keep my arms covered up..but i was in the pool...i had to work really hard to just focus on being there with nia and noa and curvon and not that people were looking at me ..or judging me...i had moments of just really wanting to hide out and got nervous from so many people being aorund me..and not being able to just say ok ive had enough its time to go...i wanted the kids to have a good time ..and heck we paid to get in..i wanted to have a good time too..but so often fear sends me running in the oppisite direction...i wont do a lot of things because of the scars...and the fear of them being seen and wondering what people will think...but i know they scars arent going away..they arent..they wont grow any smaller..they wont fade out..they are there permanently..and i guess i took responsibility for the cutting but ive never accepted it...sometimes im able to see it as a behavior...sometimes not...its still touch and go..but this time i was determined to have fun..and it took a lot but i did go to the pool and the museum and all sorts of stuff...i wore a skirt..and tshirts ..and i know at times my scars showed..i know they definitely showed at the pool...i still pull at my shirts trying to hide them when im out..but that is more of just a nervous habit ...but its to freaking out for long sleeves..no i dont think i will ever get to the point of wearing tank tops except when im by myself or with sarah...but maybe ill get around to wearing shorts again...or going to the pool more often...even holding noa in the bottom picture scared me when i realized that she is pulling at my shirt...my scars are showing..and i was going to take the picture down..but then i changed my mind..and left it up...i like the picture..i dont want to be ashamed of it..and take it down and hide it away..so i did put it on facebook..on my main page ... yeah im hoping no one makes comments about it..im not so sure i can handle that...buti cant  control what other ppl do can it?  sigh...i wish i could but i cant...so maybe the small rebellion has begun...slowly the scars controlling me will let up and ill be able to breathe...

my niece in her innocence has showed the world my scars...i wont hide away from it...i cant...she will get older and ask me what happened...i still want to be able to tell her the truth..that i struggled but i got help and got better...

worried

I,am,scared and worried about Sarah...And now I'm far away and can't get t  her and all I can.,do is be reassuring and be there for he  over the phone.. I'm afraid she is going to have to go back to the hospital and that scares me..I'm already trying to shut myself down and do stupid things out of fear..I want her ok and better and her not feeling good makes me cry...I  glad it's.the.silent tears right now
..I'm aat nias..which will keep me safe but I want to be with Sarah..i have to keep it together..I have to stay in control...I have to. Stop crying..I will be talking to Sarah in about three hours and will check on her..today is doubly sad because Emerson is going t  his new home today :(  Maybe I need to lay down for a bit...I have been up since 6 worrying...I'm just scared...I want her to feel better..she is the strong one..I'm not..without her I keep falling apart....No more leaving her...I don't think I can handle it...

This one speaks to me

I'm lost without her :( :( :(

Sad thoughts. jealous thoughts

I'm just feeling off.sad. lonely..afraid..Sarah is still in the hospital.. She is still sick..they keep changing when she can go home..its Wed and she is still there ..I miss her and I do go to the hospital.. As much as my anxiety allows..so like every other day..I feel so disappointed that I can't manage the hospital.. She is stuck in there and I can't even get myself to visit her everyday..we talk on the phone a lot..but I miss seeing her...and I'm feeling jealous of the around the clock care...I'm so screwed up...-sigh-

And I have a friend who just made her two year milestone of being si free..I'm super proud of her..and sad for myself..thanks to recent behaviors I'm on day three..my count keeps getting started over...that's what I get for being impulsive...I'm ashamed to say that the hurt from the scratches was a welcome feeling.I liked it..I needed it..I wanted it..I don't know..I'm just feeling so stressed out and worried and I'm just doing a lot of stuff to kind of ignore it all and not have to deal with it..I'm making poor choices.. But right now I don't see any other way to deal...my supports aren't there and I fall apart without them :(  my lack of being able to deal on my own is appalling.. I'm not thinking.. Lately I'm to drugged and out of it to really think clearly...

Things are a struggle

I'm struggling a lot right now...just making some not so good choices and going back to hurting myself in a lot of ways..I'm scared with Sarah in the hospital.. I'm frustrated that I can't handle being in the hospital with her..I can't keep control of the anxiety..I panic..I can't sit still..I'm worried...work is draining me..I'm not complaining I need the money..but I'm so tired and feeling on edge..the expectations are even higher.. There is not enough staff.. I've done doubles for the past two weekends..I'm working full time and I'm only prn staff..I'm being asked if I would consider the house manager position..I'm upset that I can't see Anita. I am feeling so overwhelmed without her..I need someone to talk to..there is so much in my head..I'm trying..well I was trying harder but Sarah ended up in the hospital and I lost it...instantly got overwhelmed and started scratching my arm..nothing deep but it hurt..and I keep taking the percocets I have...its numbing me out a bit..but I know I'm not working today and so im staying a bit out of it...I'm tired..but can't sleep..I didn't sleep well last night...I think when I'm not sleeping well things get worse.. And working overnight has messed with my sleep schedule... And I need to get my meds filled..and going out of town maybe..but Sarah is not feeling well.. And I'm afraid to leave her..maybe I'll go and lay back down for a bit..

a mess

Currently a crying slightly drugged mess..can barely keep my eyes open and fighting the urge for more pills. Scratching at my arms...it burns but if you don't know what to look for.you won't see them. No razors. I want razors. The fears overwhelm me..I'm cracking..
I just want t  sleep and not think or feel anything. Stressed and anxious and overwhelmed..And scared cas Sarah in hospital and I don't do good in hospitals and I try but get so anxious.. and scared something back  is going to happen. It's hard for me to be there but I don't want to leave her by herself..And I'm trying not to shut her  out. But want her to feel better and not worry about me..I'm ok .  I'll be ok  . I just need to sleep. Yeah

Important

I wish I could copy what Sarah wrote to me yesterday when I was feeling so lost and empty...it meant a lot seeing it..hearing it..

I feel like I'm remembering to much..to quickly..the urge to hurt is very strong..overmedicating a lot..i just want to sleep..and not think...I'm writing.. I am

wanting comfort

I'm feeling on edge and a little unsafe..today was a sad  day because today is the day my sister died so long ago..sad..And no idea how to grieve..Just felt off..I ended up being with Sarah today..she had surgery yesterday and is doing pretty good but still in pain..And so I stayed with her last night and today...I forgot the date though..until I woke up and was online..And then I didn't want to be by myself..And I spent a lot of time laying down with Sarah..she is stuck in bed..And. i do like laying with her..mostly slept but we did talk about somethings to and working on plans for things...we now have a plan b and a time frame...I think I've been needing a lot of comfort and haven't been getting it..I'm not asking for it and I don't know..I just get scared asking... but I've gotten more Percocet...a fair amount...I'm not cutting..that the important thing isn't it?? I'm just overmedicating..a little..I don't know..

Impulsive

I'm afraid that my impulsiveness is heading downwards... I got upset twice today and both times my thoughts turned to cutting..serious cutting...along with crying ..feeling guilty and stupid..and canceling my trip to see my sister..which I have uncancelled now..but earlier I wasn't thinking about anything except how things still just aren't working out and that mommy got to me once again..and the pressure was to much...I need razors...my thinking is becoming circular and I need to be able to stop it..I think I stopped functioning for maybe an hour or so this afternoon because of the conversation with mommy... The reaction was immediate and the response and thoughts got bad fast...thankfully I was at Sarah's house and alone...I'm pretty sure she kept an eye on me until I started coming around...I wanted to go for her shavers...I really did...but the thoughts are becoming overwhelming.. The pressure to do more..to do better is being pushed at me and I can't deal...yes I need my blades back..?just for a little while...

It snuck up on me..my sisters anniversary

I blame myself for not being able to save you..I try to remember you and I can't. All I have is a couple pictures. It is as if you never existed and I am sorry for that. I will keep your pictures with me. I don't remember but I know you were there..and now you are not..29 years without you... I believe in heaven for you. That you are happy and loved. I miss you. I love you. I will remember you.

http://www.findagrave.com/cgi-bin/fg.cgi?page=gr&GRid=114442301

piece 2

Even though it has been a few days since T I am still very embarrassed to be writing this. I am in a long term relationship, engaged in fact, and so with t the topic of intimate stuff comes up from time to time...and each time we shut it down..become immature..giggle or swear its gross..and that all things related to the subject is gross..we have a few hangups in that area to put it nicely..and the partner is patient and has talked with me/us repeatedly about things and the struggles we have with it...how is it possibly to grow up and have no connection to your own body?? I think that is what one of the issues is...this body has been destroyed...it has done nothing good for me..and im supposed to take care of it? like it ? accept it? I don't even want it ? maybe that is where the disconnect is at...this is supposed to be my body..the only one I get ...and I feel nothing for it..no care or love or concern..maybe that is why self care is such a struggle..why I cant read my own body signals correctly...when im sick im sick..when its something serious ..I blame it on being sick..or stress.. take some over the counter meds and call it a day..this body has been cut, burned, used, broken..and what others couldn't do I tried my best to finish...so no there is no connection there.. (and piece 2 falls into place)

well I emailed t some writing ...which was about past things..she read it and came to the session more prepared than I was...I was thinking she was going to turn into a monster and eat me..she on the other hand had like educational stuff for me...go figure... so anyway as the session goes on she shows me the book she has..and its called you and your body or you and caring for you..something along those lines..pretty much a book for preteen girls going through puberty and things..teaching about the changes to expect and things that happen to your body as you grow.etc... I of course looked at it in horror and wanted nothing to do with it..but some inside wanted to see the book and look at it..t talked to me about it for a little bit and asked me to read a small section and then we talked about it... I really wish I could remember what I read...but the fear and nervousness came ..the sadness and embarrassment over the fact that I am having to learn this stuff as an adult because I didn't learn it as a kid and it just makes me feel so stupid...I should be able to talk about intimate stuff with my partner without becoming unable to cope and I cant...I cant label body parts correctly or even say certain words out loud for fear of something happening..something bad happening...we have agreed to work through the book with t because I know that its not me per say who was pulled into the book and wanted to know about it....the fear is theirs..the embarrassment is mine.. :( we are literally having to start at the basics ..body 101...this is your body and what happens...and why and it is hard...I just want to scream that im not a child and I don't need this...but it is the kids that are causing the blocks...the refusals to speak..the struggles to have an adult relationship...its because of the unresolved stuff...which means addressing it right?? but I would rather the floor opened up and swallowed me alive before having any of these conversations..

the session ended up causing flashbacks because in talking things from the past were of course brought up...and it took all day to kind of reach the breaking point but it did..and the fear and paranoia of mommy finding out that we are talking ..or learning this..or even acknowledging this was brought back to the forefront..the issues of speaking to much and that means punishment came up...the thoughts of needing to go forward or to hide and stay in a comfortable zone all came up...it took a long time calming things down..and it was done safely..there has been no punishment..but the head took a massive beating you know..all the energy to maintain and not crack when things are going all over the place..

I guess the reactions to the session lets me know that this is important...that this is something that really needs to be worked on...but im struggling to get past all the feelings .. upset, fear, sad, angry, embarrassed..dejected..did I mention embarrassed? -sigh-

and all of this is started before we wont be able to see t for 3 weeks.. anxiety is up..well writing this has increased my anxiety..

I think this makes sense..i think there are questions in there somewhere..im not sure..

guess I'll give myself a pep talk

I feel like life is playing with me...like this is all some big cosmic joke and I'm in the middle of it..so much going on and I'm not sure what else I can handle..I'm tired..of all of it.. everything...
But reality sets in once again and I know that I can't give up..this mess goin  on with tramaine won't break me.I'm doing what I can...I'm doing the best I can to survive and stay stable..I'm not going to keep going back and forth with her..I've asked her to stop calling mommy and she has refused..so now it will be time to make decisions..I can't make money appear out of nothing...I have to keep living and move past this and keep trying and yes pay off all of this debt before it kills me...but right now..it's one thing at a time.working in therapy and looking for a job..And working enough hours that I can start to pay Rob back again...so much has happened..I became jobless and homeless all at the same time...there was nothing to fall back on... but I have Sarah and Anita ..check mommy in small doses , nia and avante...I'm not alone.   I need to reach  out more but I'm not alone...And what has happened can't be changed...what will  happen from here on out is still developing...And somehow someway things are going to get better...I will work on accepting where things are now and the steps I need to get them moving in the right direction...
One step at a time..as long as I don't stop moving...

Drained

I'm feeling really down, tired, out of it and sick..yesterday just became incredibly triggering because I couldn't get my thinking to calm down or slow down..I just kept going over and over what we talked about in therapy..and it got worse and worse..until I started to panic and cry and generally have a melt down that hasn't happened for a few months..not like yesterday.. I rote a lot yesterday and only took the meds has a last resort. I talked to Amanda and she helped me get myself grounded..I described all of my stuffed animals to her in detail until I was able to get a handle on the panic and fear...I stumbled upon one major issue with things yesterday though..which is what set off the panic and fear in the first place..something I hadn't thought of in a long time..but the fear of being in trouble of mommy finding out that I'm talking that she will some how get me and hurt me..became so overwhelming that I completely lost it...I've broken the old rules.which brings up thoughts of punishment for talking.. For saying to much..for not being quiet..

Today I'm just tired..feeling exposed and very vulnerable.. I want to hide..try to erase yesterday from existence . my mind is tired.my body is tired..I'm not sure I'm strong enough to win this battle

being taught the basics

I'm struggling to stay present ..since leaving  Anita..My thoughts are scattered and I can  get them together..I'm feeling to many things and tryin  to shut down..Im  tired but feeling so sick..I just  want to lay down and not think for a little while..bit my head won't turn off...I'm remembering old things..old hurts and feelings and current feelings and its all mixed up...

Courtney did print out what I sent her and both of them read it...And Anita started to address it today..And I ended up talking about past stuff and how things were and things..but also she added in this stuff about girls growing up and body stuff an  things...it upsets me that I have to be taught this..it really does..I know it is geared towards helping the younger stuck parts of me..but I'm struggling to get past the fact that I am 31 and am having to go back and learn all the stuff I missed and don't know..not really anyway.. i feel.stupid..because I should know no  it's all mixed up and wrong and well gets in the way of things..it's like having to start at  the beginning..And I feel like I'm to old to be starting with all of this...knowing that all of it is going to be leading  up to the big issues around sex and stuff...she said she would take it slow not rush..but I'm  still so afraid...afraid to talk about any of it or admit anything..admit not knowing...I feel off..sad..dejected.. and once again like a failure...

so very angry

Again tramaine is up  to her tricks again..calling  mommy..gettin  her sister  to call mommy...what the fuck..the lease is up..I'm not going back to the apartment..I'll call them tomorrow...And give them an address..I owe her nothing..I owe the rental company..not her..so she can try to take me to court but for what I don't know...I made plans...I had back up plans..but again it is my fault her plans aren't work in  out..no ...I refuse to take on any more of her damn blame and accusations...I have done nothing to her..but I seem to be at the center of ruining her life..me?? I can barely live my own life..much less single handedly ruin someone else's...an hour long talk with mommy and I'm filled in on all of this...fuck everything to do with meeting her and agreeing  to live with her...biggest mistake ever...but it won't happen again...never again

touch ..safety

Tonight before  I left Sarah she mentioned that she was  happy that I had a safe place to go..And it stopped me for a second because it's true..I am safe here..I'm not afraid..I have my,space but I'm not completely alone..I'm beginning to feel comfortable here..an  with that comes the fear that somethin  Will happen...that I'll have to leave..that I won't be wanted..And that is where my thinking gets messed up..it goes back to ..if I'm good enough..nice enough? Am I helping out enough? Is there something more I should be doing or need  to do? I have to remember that I'm not a child..that I can do things because I want to help and not because I'm trying to convince them to let me stay...the fear is there..And the one  I acknowledge that this part of stress is lessening the more worried I feel..

Sarah Birthday 2015

have you ever woken up feeling broken..confused..unsure of everything..and so very tired...i slept all night and as soon as i wake up im already tired..i dont want to deal with the day..i dont want to have to struggle to get through the day..and right now things are just back and forth..im ok and then im not ok ..im sad and then im not sad...well not even sad really ...depressed..i worry..i am worrying..i cant stop worrying...looking for a job is beginning to make me panic..and i understand that i have to look differently and find a job outside of the mental health field ..which could be a really good thing..since im still trying to work on my own stuff..but being outside of the field makes me feel so useless..what else can i do ?? what am i able to do...there is the chance of working with sarah but thats mostly weekends...and that process will take a couple months...but looking for something full time is just making me feel stupid ..and the thoughts of how much ive screwed things up ..and it is all becoming overwhelming ..and i dont want to do it ...but i have to.

....

i want to write
but im tired..sad..feeling defeated about life..things..i dont know...hopefully this mood will pass..

maybe the chat in therapy has caught up with me...  i dont know

New home....

I have made it over to avantes house...My first full day here..My first night here..My anxiety is up ..but I'll have to make do...there is no other option..so three kids and all..Im  here...it's loud...gosh it's so loud here...I think my meds are kicking in fast tonight...I'm ready to pass out..I'll write more tomorrow.

pressure

this is completely different from what i wanted to write ..but i am feeling so much pressure right now to figure things out and im afraid that im just going to screw things up or mess things up some how...
i need to fidure out what i am going to do come monday..i need to figure out what im going to do about going back to the apartment before the 11th..i need to figure out  getting my stuff moved and fitting my bed into the bedroom i have...there is a lot to figure out and right now i have plans i guess but nothing majorly concrete...and i need concrete..i need to know what im going to be sleeping at ... and so the worrying doesnt really go away..and i want to just take pills all day long to numb out so that i dont have to think about anything...what in the world am i going to do...and its not a time to go crying to anyone i guess...i did that ..and now im supposed to move on..and get planning and do something..anything..and really i just want to sit and cry because im tired of thinking and planning...im tired of wondering what im going to do and what i have to do..im tired of thinking up a way to make things ok and plausible and just i dont know...since i didnt get all the money from kathy ..a hotel is a no go...not even for a couple days..i need gas in my car and after giving avante the money ill have maybe 90 dollars or so...so that means sleeping on the couch at her place or sleeping in my car or well sleeping on the floor...all things ive done before..but what is going to get me through the next week..will i need food..what will i need to get done..job hunting and so much...just a lot to do and i am feeling the pressure...add in an inability to get a release of any sort and im just a ticking time bomb..waiting to explode..how much more will get piled on before i end up exploding ..on in my case imploding ... already the thoughts of getting razors plague my head and im not really sleeping all that great...even with the meds...its time for my sort so i am feeling really off and what not...pretty sure my hormones are wrecking havoc on something ..im picking at my hands and feet..im picking at my arms and face and legs...i am having trouble remembering if i am taking my meds...and im afraid to retake them because then ill accidentally take too many ..but which doctor would look at me and then look at my body and say i wasnt trying to kill myself...*sigh* im not suicidal...im just really really down ...depressed..tired ...im pretty sure im hiding out at sarahs ..but i have one more day ..and then ill be forced back into the world and im not really sure i want to be a part of it...i just want to be left alone...but i guess that means im just feeling sorry for myself or i like being depressed or something...everything is just to much right now...ill take enough meds to force myself to go to sleep ...  maybe i wont have bad dreams tonight..

antsy..

unsettled...thats what it is .... im feeling unsettled right now and there really isnt anything i can do about it...im living out of a bag ...and staying with sarah until monday..and then im going to figure out things over at avantes place ..but i wont be getting my stuff until that weekend...and so yes im feeling unsettled and anxious about things..worry plagues me and all i can think about is how im going to manage..i have to find a job ..but im so displaced right now that i dont want to do anything of the sort...given this is a holiday and a weekend anyway ...so i have a few days...i found a couple places to apply to ..but this is going to be really hard..and i want to give up before i even start..

whats down memory lane

lets take a walk down memory lane
only its dark
there are no pretty pictures
there is a lot of empty space
abandoned and neglected areas
where it feels as if the darkness
will reach out and grab you
but you walk it anyway
all alone
looking for answers
but nothing is there
silence surrounds you
and you cant speak a word
even here there are rules..unwritten
that cover everything
the road is endless
but you reach a certain point
And it is here
where your daily life plays
in bits and pieces
Blank stares and unremembered faces
This is where you are now
you walked through your past
and found nothing
you can walk no further
your future has not been lived yet
you stand
stuck
wondering
is it safer to go back ?
should i stay where i am ?
am i supposed to move forward?
looking down i study the road
looking for answers
or maybe a way out
instead i see my pile of tools
bottles of pills, razors, scales
coloring books, cartoons, music
mixed up together 
i feel it looking at me
daring me to make a choice
waiting for me to fail
Ghosts of broken promises
And failed attempts surround me
You can't move forward until
A choice is made

hands off

since this is my most bothersome thought currently i guess ill write about it and see if i can get it to make sense what so ever ...

i know what i want to write..a simple three letter word..so easy...but typing it..thinking it..saying it..fills me with nervousness..dread..fear..im not entirely sure..it just feels wrong in a lot of ways..i shouldn't write it..i shouldn't acknowledge it at all...but if im going to write this then i have to do something with it...so its going to be referred to as fun time for now..when im with sarah i ask for play time.sometimes Sarah makes me ask very specifically for what i want and where..which is scary and embarrassing and i fight her on it..well i refuse to give in pretty much all the time..until the outcome changes and i give in..otherwise i wont say them...i wont flat out ask for what it is..and good grief this is hard...i wont label things correctly..obviously i know the correct names of things..i know the more interesting names for things..information that is just filed away i guess...never to be used...its just there..i tell nia to teach noa the correct names for body parts because other wise she will go to school calling them all sorts of things..

i dont really remember when things got really hard with all of this..i have no idea ...i was pretty much hands off with everyone i could manage when i was younger i think...if i didnt have to touch you and you didnt have to touch me then the better it was...mommy being the exception to that rule i guess..i grew up being afraid that everyone would end up hurting me..hitting me if they touched me ..and so i avoided it..and people..so i guess isolating started really early..i cant put ages to any of this..the fear started early..the need to be good and quiet and seeking approval all started early..

sometime after the move to nc ..i was 7 8 9 one of them...i ended up getting hurt by a cousin..with mommy in the house...the whole memory is gone..it only gets to a certain point and then im not sure..it was with a cousin who i am almost sure is either the same age as me or maybe a little bit older..maybe a little bit younger..but by then my ability to say stop or no or anything of the sort was already dead and gone..and i dont remember telling or asking her to stop...i remember being in her room..and wanting to play with her toys..but she wanted to play house..she had a dollhouse..a really big one..one minute im playing with the dollhouse and then im not..im being held down with my mouth covered..and her hands being under my clothes..and then it just kind of goes away..and i dont remember exactly what happens..i think i may have acted out a little bit after that but it didnt last long..and instead of the acting out turned inward..never mentioned what happened of course..but i think i was more careful with not being touched after that .

mommy didnt give hugs and i knew not to go to her for one..i worked hard to convince myself that i didnt need comfort or love or anything...i was doing different things to hurt myself back then but it hadnt progressed to cutting...everything i was being told i was just taking it in and twisting it around until it become mine..and i just made it worse..because i knew what my weaknesses were and i knew how to exploit them myself...i became worse on myself than mommy every could be...it was like a game in some weird twisted way..she hurt me..so i hurt me more..and the more i hurt myself or yelled at myself then the more worthless and unloveable i became...i convinced myself that i was fine with being alone...that i didnt have to worry about ever being hurt again because i was already the best at it..and no one could beat me...no one could win against me...i couldnt even win against myself... in school i didnt have friends and i didnt date so it wasnt a concern..i kept to myself..and made sure to keep everyone else away from me..

anyway..i got older..same thought processes...i don't remember if i ever took a sex ed class...i know i had to watch the whole miracle of birth thing in biology or something and still remember thinking that was the grossest thing ever and i didn't want to see it...im sure i learned all the body parts but i really dont think i ever really learned what sex was...not until i was much older..because i didnt understand why mommy kept accusing me of doing things and that she would find out about it after my period stopped for maybe a year and a half..i had no idea what she was implying...i guess i was in maybe middle school..no idea that she kept accusing me of being pregnant..absolutely no idea..but the threats and accusations came every single month..with no explanation..so it was confusion for me..i didnt know what she thought i was doing..i didnt know what she thought was going to happen or show up..i  didnt understand why she called me a whore and a slut..again words that i didnt understand or know the meaning of....i knew somehow they were bad ...and that i didnt like them..that i shouldnt like them..but at the time had no idea what i was being called or why..all centering around the simple fact that my period just decided to stop ... fear that something was wrong with me..that i was doing something wrong and had no idea what it was..worry and stress trying to figure it all out and then being stupid for not being able to..

when i started babysitting mommy drilled into me that i was not to be alone or even talk to the kids father...never ever ever....i became so afraid to even be near him..im still afraid of him and he has done nothing to me...but those fears grew to every male..they are to be feared..because they can hurt you...it was my uncle and my moms guy friend who lied on me and the end result was mommy pulling a knife on me and saying she would kill me...why trust them or anyone else at that point..so i made sure i stayed away from males because they werent safe...i still stay away from males..i refuse to see male doctors or talk to guys i dont know..or be around guys i dont know if i can help it...there is always space between us if i have to work with a male or something ..things have changed slightly due to work and stuff and having to be around males more..but the fear doesnt go away...i have to watch and be on guard..there are rules that cant be broken..dont speak first..dont approach anyone ..dont look at anyone..dont be noticed..dont call attention to yourself..reminding myself that i am ruined ..that there is no hope for me...because the scars no longer fade..

and this is way off ...ill try again another day...

Words

I am having a hard time finding the words to explain how I am feeling ..and why I'm feeling this way...its not about just being here for a week..its not that I have a place to go or that I have to look for another job....

The problem is that the situation has pushed up a lot of thoughts and feelings that may not be directly caused by this..but it is affecting how I am able to deal with it...my panic about the unknown has increased...the worries about finding a job and paying bills and all of that scares me..its because my thinking automatically associates this with things in the past..and yes I feel like I don't belong..that I'm worthless and that I've failed..that is what runs through my mind constantly.. that is what drives my need for punishment or hurting myself...I took 2 trazodone and 2 dilaudid last night..I woke up in the middle of the night with my chest hurting so much I had trouble breathing but I was so out if it that I kept falling asleep sitting up...swore once again not to take them...but the day isn't even over yet and I want them...I most likely wasn't feeling great today because I had fucking morphine taking a stroll through my body..and I woke up and went out..stress and it being close to time for my shot has my stomach feeling so gross and sick..I keep thinking I need razors..that I need to do things I know will hurt..because then I can get out of my head for a little while...so many times I've had to do this. Look for a job..find a place to live...I'm tired..my mind is tired..and I do feel like giving up...because that's easier..that's better..but I keep waking up..I keep doing stuff ..even though I just want to lay in bed and ignore everything and everyone.. I don't want to do anything but I can't not do anything..I have to have a place to live..I have to find a job...even when it feels like I'm being eaten alive by the depression or going crazy from anxiety and over thinking.. a plan  will always form...I have to have a plan..I have to have a back up plan..I can't shut down completely no matter how much I try
And maybe that is why I keep wanting the pills..that is an escape.  No thinking for a little while..I get tired of thinking and planning and preparing for the worst all the time...with this situation I again set myself up..and when I was told it wasn't working..I just fell apart..this was supposed to be my safe place..my second chance.. my chance to be included and feel wanted...and that not happening was the biggest hurt.. that I wasn't protected..that not even here could I be safe from being hurt...and I had just looked the idea up in my head so much.. I wanted it so much..that it not working out has thrown me off...and I don't know how to pick up the pieces..because I am feeling so broken..and hurt..

I feel as if there is nothing left

My head can't handle anything else...it really can't ..I have told mommy what is going on and now she is adding on pressure..nia and Sarah are both being supportive and letting me cry...Im  not sure how I truly feel about the situation..am I sad...angry...upset...broken...lost..empty...do I understand? Am I willing to forgive and be able to move on? I feel as if I was set up in a way..I gave up everything..Just to be left hanging after a week...i  have two weeks to move..two weeks to get a set plan in order..I've cried so much since yesterday..I can't get rid of my headache..I can't get a handle on how I am feeling and I know I am not safe...I don't feel safe..I feel on  edge..anxious..fearful and afraid..I don't know what I want to do...I'm worried and tired...My head won't stop hurting...I don't feel ok here. It's not safe..I thought I would be safe here and instead I get reminded that I am not wanted...what is there for me to do

I didn't think things could get worse....

I am sitting here trying my hardest not to cry..I've been crying since 3 something this afternoon when I found out that this job...this safe place that I wanted so badly is not safe..I have been rejected and I guess in a way asked to leave...I have been told that Kathy's mom is not adjusting to me being here.. and so I am jobless and almost homeless all in one day...I'm useless and once again reminded that I am unwanted and not needed..I don't belong anywhere... I don't know what I'm going to do..or where to go.. I am once again misplaced with nothing...I have up everything to move over here.. my cats are in the pound .. everything I have is in storage..and I am wondering what is left for me right this minute... my thinking quickly moved into I don't need anything ..I don't need to eat or take my meds..I don't needs to go to my appts..nothing..im just going to waste away...small attempts at cutting..mad I didn't get my meds filled..glad I didn't get my meds filled...I'll need to stop them again since I'll need the money..because I'll need to move.. because I don't know where I'll go..because I just spent my money moving...because I can't afford to move ..because I'll have to look for another job or go back to the group home once again...I don't have the money to give Avante..   I. Have failed big time at this one...my head hurts so much and I just keep trying to figure out what I'm going to do..how long will I make myself suffer for this failure... I feel completely broken.. and I guess it hurts more that Kathy is involved in this and I trusted her to keep me safe and this happens...I've been here a week and failed..I tried.. I thought I did..but I guess not..what am I going to do? I can't think. My thoughts are a mess..Nia keeps checking on me and I haven't told mommy yet..what is there to say? I'm sorry for my existence.. I'm sorry for breathing..I'm sorry I don't have enough pills to overdose on..I'm just sorry

sadness drowns me

right now i feel as if my head is going in circles...im trying to think and plan but all i can do is lay  doen and try not to cry..my world is crumbling on one hand and trying to become stable on the other and im just feeling stuck in the middle for right now..and i dont know what to do..i know what i have to do..i dont what im expected to do..and in now of those things does it say that im allowed to sit down and cry all day....but today is a day that i doubt i will be able to get anything at all done...my appointment to take the cats in to animal control is at 11am...and at that time my world will most likely stop moving for the rest of the day...taji and bounce will be gone...they have been with me through so much..when im sad they sleep with me..when im drugged .i know ill wake up and one will be on the bed with me...i swear they keep an eye on me just as much as i keep an eye on them...i love the two of them..even when taji is being bad and not listening..even when taji is peeing on everything...even when taji is aggravating bounce (ok do we see a taji theme here???) but they are mine..they know me and i know them..they wait for me to come home...they cry for me...im the one who takes care of them...and today i have to say goodbye to them and they dont even know its coming...in a few hours i will have to catch them and put them in the carrier and take them in and leave them there...i feel awful..i feel like im losing a very important part of myself...i know i had to make a choice...a very important choice...i know that i vouldnt let this job go...i know that i need to work on myself and all of that stuff...but that does not elevate any of the sad and broken feelings i am currently having...i talked to sarah last night and im going over to her place after the appointment...so that im not by myself...because being by myself could not end well...i know ill try harder to stay safe at sarahs than i will if i am alone at my apartment ... i just dont know how to help myself today...i want to do bad bad bad bad things...to make up for having to give up taji and bounce ...

again mommy got to me

i ended up messaging sarah and called Kathy crying...but yes im an adult...-sigh-  some adult i am.... no more money talk with mommy..i cant handle it...i have a job..i will be getting paid...i will be living some where for free..i will not have to pay rent..or buy food unless it is something that i want specifically...i refuse to sit there and ask a old women who is paying out of pocket for me to pay me 800 or up for me to be at her house...when will mommy learn that it really isnt about the money ?? i want enough to survive...enough to live on..enough to be comfortable....with my bills cut in half almost and no household bills..i will be able to slowly save once i get the loan from nia and rob paid off...with a low income ill be able to get insurance...ill be able to keep my loans on the income based things and ill qualify for assistance if needed....things change the less i make...and yes ultimately the decision is mine...i will no longer have the cats...isnt that enough ?? on my plate...i guess not...because she just overloaded me to the point of tears ...and it is all in my court..i can say how long i want to be there if i go and it doesnt work out i can let kathy know and i dont have to stay ...i can find something else...but why would i do that..i dont need much..ill have a room...all i need are my books ..tv..an internet connection..and my movies...i can spend the day with sarah when i want to ..well when she isnt busy with her own stuff..and mommy is again trying to butt in and mess it up..before it even starts...i dont think ill talk to her for a couple days....i dont need the added stress right now...i cant manage anymore stress right now..im tired and anxious and stressed and scared and worried and there is just to much going on...im currently trying to calm down as i really need to get through this week...im going to meet the lady on wed....and if all works out i start on saturday...which means moving on sat and prolly sunday...my life restarts on saturday...i have to pack..and im working every day except thursday this week..there is so much to do....and no time...i think a lot of things will be trashed...a lot of things will be put into storage and i lot of things will be given away..i have to say good bye to the cats...
i talked to anita today too...and yes will be seeing her on wed morning...need to see her so very much...
the need to over medicate and hurt are on massive highs right now....
trying
trying to maintain
trying to stay calm
trying to keep it together

a decision has been made

i want to write but my attention wavers..and i am lost at what to do..ive spent the last few days stressing out about things..worrying and thinking about my options about what i can do...about what my next move will be and the more i think the more stressed i get and the more i cant seem to figure out what i want to do..i just want to be told what the right thing to do is..i dont want to make a choice..but i have...and i should be happy shouldnt i?  ive made a good positive shoice havent i?? then why do i feel like my world is falling apart and im just going to fall apart with it...ive made the choice to go for the live in job..the job that will offer me a place to live..safety..security..freedom..steady income..small but steady...and the one thing i cant have...the one thing that i am being asked to let go of is my cats...the cats that i have been a permanant fixture in my life since like my third year in college..ive never gone more then 3 months without them..and that was only for a summer when i had to work at the camp....but this is like a final goodbye..this isnt i can change my mind the day after and go get them back...no this is heart wrenchingly final..and my whole world is pretty dark right now as i face this ...i know its my decision...i know that i had to make a choice..and yet i feel like i am the worst person ever for not being able to figure out any other way...any other choice...no one to take them...no one to keep them long term...and so i have to say goodbye and my heart breaks...and it is as if i will never be happy again..i want the depression to take over..i want the dark thoughts to take over...those i can deal with..those i am used to and dont have to fight..i want them ..because they match how i am feeling and and they make way for behaviors that require no explantation...they understand the needs the urges..they enjoy them..they want them..and all i have to do is give in...just quietly give in..things are a mess in my head..but again..as long as everyone else sees strength and me managing..thats all that matters...so ill go and to work and then just hide in my room when im not at work...im to on edge to be any good to anyone anyway..its best i stay away from everyone...if i could get away with it i would turn my phone off and just disconnect from everything completely..sleep and work and try not to do anything that will get me into trouble...but whats the point...my horribleness continues to win out ..and im stuck playing along ..

jobs

and with everything going on...another route in the plan has developed..and my mind is going crazy trying to keep up..trying to plan and figure it out and figure out the best option....i had lunch yesterday with an old supervisor..one who knows more about me than i know about me...i ask to live with her every time i see her...she keeps strong boundaries to deal with my incredily poor ones..but anyway...saw her yesterday...finally talked to her about everything that has gone on job wise because she had been holding on to a job for me to come and work in her group home for her ..with children..and i hadnt yet told her about my background thing..and so i told her yesterday..and well yeah...both have complete understanding that i cant work with children for two more years..at least..so that is a no go..(she promised not to kill me)...but she put another job offer on the table for me....a live in position ...working over nights with an elderly lady...free room and board...i would still be making a small income..etc...i just need to pretty much be there you know..help out a bit..mostly be there in case of an emergency type thing...and she needs someone like within the next week or two....i need a place to live within the next week or two...i would be able to work and make money and not have to pay rent...i still have to talk to my supervisor because i have a lot a lot of questions ... but the con to all of this is..i cant take the cats...she is allergic..the elderly lady...i have no one who can keep them for us..and so they will have to go to the pound...i have found a no kill shelter...but the feelings are all over the place...taking a job and losing the cats...or moving in with the friend who has three kids and keeping the group home job and one of the cats but not both...im trying so hard to think it through and figure out what the best option is...im wearing myself out thinking..i know what i want to do but im afraid to commit because it means saying goodbye to my two best friends...the two little furry people who have been homeless with me...moved from place to place with me..that i refused to give up...and now a job comes along and the only way to accept it..and to get out of a dangerous situation and move into a safe place...a quiet place...is to let them go....i feel awful making the decision ... i really do

update i guess

update i guess...i have asked for my old job back starting next week....i am moving in with a friend by the end of the month...i will most likely not be able to keep the cats...im not currently applying for jobs right now...the background stuff has me feeling to let down to want to end up just getting fired again..so im at my old job but placed at a different house...so maybe it will be a little bit better...things are not well in the roommate department and i ended up telling her today that i am moving out..and in response she locked me in my room...which was a huge trigger..she said it was an accident..but how can you accident lock the chain on the outside of the door knowing i am in the room??? still trying to calm down from that....dont like being trapped or unable to get out of places..had to ask her to let me out...im am feeling angry and afraid..i feel very unsure of things right now....and trying to keep the thoughts out of danger zones but it is hard...its so easy to just sink into the darkness and just stay there ..where i feel safe....where i can hide away...i am hiding..i am isolating..im not talking to anyone really..occasionally mommy and nia...the only person i see or talk to on a regular basis is sarah...i dont want to do anything..i just want to lay down and sleep..ignore the world..not function anymore..but i have to and that is really depressing ... i cant just shut down..i cant just go take a break in the hospital...i have to work..i have to live..some how...but what is the cost..how much pain will it take to wake myself up and rejoin the normal world..will it be pills or cutting or burning or some other punishment i can think up....my attention needs focus..right now it is all over the place..thinking and planning and thinking and more thinking but not much action..i just lay down and think..i drive and think..i talk and think.. all i do i think..and plan and think some more about what ive already thought about..its tiring ..im tired of thinking ..

need to be strong

my anxiety is high..im picking my fingers apart again..i try not to but again i cant seem to stop..right now i have maybe 5 or 6 in the beginning stages..a couple more a little farther along...im trying to leave my feet alone..moving makes me anxious,,changes makes me anxious...and i tend to just want to shut down..i try to appear like i have it under control..but my heart breaks at the thought of taking the cats to the pound..im sad that ill be packing my stuff up again and it will be going back into storage..im sad that i couldnt make things work...im upset that things didnt work out the way i planned...im upset that ive disappointed kathy and yet she still is trying to help me and talk to me and listen to me...i keep thinking that ive done so much wrong ..and there is so much going on..and i just dont know if im making the right choices...my head hurts..i think and think..i plan and replan..i try to figure it all out...i have to figure ir all out...everything has to be in place..every single thing..i have to know this will work..im not sure i can handle anymore disappointment...im not sure i can walk into the animal control and let my cats go..but if i accept the job ill have to...the job i need..the job that would be almost perfect...the job that would be stress free..and still allow me to have time for other things..but ill be alone...how will i live without bounce or taji...who will keep me company when im sad and lonely..who will watch over me when im depressed? i have to be strong....there is no time for anything else...

i feel awful

i wont be able to keep the cats this time around...one or both...i dont know..but the faster things more ..the more i am looking at not being able to keep either of them and its breaking my heart...i know the spca isnt accepting pets into their clinic...i know the clinic where i normally take them will be a bill of upwards of $100 bucks that i dont have..and bounce is sick..in some way..i just dont know how..taji is just bad...but things are bad in the current living situation and i do not feel safe there and im planning on leaving and leaving fast..and that may be in the next couple weeks...which means..not being able to keep them...the pound will take them for $50 together....what else can i do ?????? i dont know....

well ...its beginning to run its course

this morning ... i woke up and wrote a little bit about how i was feeling...it as hard yesterday and last night...really reallly hard..i think somewhere in my head i knew i had a plan and that i was going to act on it....i dont think i was consciously thinking that i had a plan if that makes any sense...but it was a day where everything was overwhelming me..i was out of ideas..i was out of hope..i was done..there was nothing else for me...i didnt even want to go to sarahs and i just wanted to lay and bed and be miserable and argue with myself and yell at myself and pressure myself to get up and do something anything ..knowing that physically i couldnt get myself up at all..i just couldnt ...i truly was done with everything ..and i think telling mommy was the tipping point...i couldnt handle it anymore and i couldnt handle being told to just move on and  deal with it..not when i was seriously fighting myself to stay alive..and i couldnt tell her that...and so it was an immediate reaction ... immediate impulsivity to do things ... to follow the rules..what ever the are..to do what is expected of me....to just i dont know....but pretty much yesterday i guess was the really truly no good very bad day...and i wasnt sure i was going to make it out alive...sarah called me around 3:30pm and we talked for a little while and she asked when i was coming over..and since i had already agreed to coming i couldnt say no to her either...so i went ..it took me a little while since it took me forever to get up and get dressed and force myself to go out the door but i got there..and we did our usual..talked and hung out..she watched spongebob and random other cartoons with me until i got sleepy and fell asleep...i had been trying to sleep all day long and wasnt able to..two hours at her house and i calm down enough to fall asleep...but she woke me up around 9 something and i was of course dead to the world but eventually she got me up enough so that i would move out of the way...and i hadnt planned on spending the night..i was in the process of actually falling asleep again in her living room but she kept calling me and i kept waking up..so i started putting on my shoes but kept stopping ...and i couldnt figure out why...i knew i was tired and wanted to sleep but generally if im going home i get ready and go ..but i was dragging big time..and not really doing anything..just sort of sitting there...and i just kept thinking that i cant leave..that i really cant leave and that i cant go home ...that i needed to stay ...but i wanted to go home...but i couldnt get myself to get up or go home or anything..so finally i asked sarah if i could spend the night...which she said ok to..and i literally just dropped my stuff and went and laid back down with her..and was able to almost instantly go back to sleep...i didnt have any of my meds..i was away from anything that i could have used to hurt myself...at the time i wasnt even thinking of any of that...it was just a really really strong desire to stay where i was..i needed to stay put for some reason...and my anxiety ..the restlessness wouldnt let up until sarah told me that i could stay....  i slept through the night...woke up at 5 something..and needed to get up because i was beginning to think to much again...but it was more trying to figure out yesterday and last night...why did i need to stay all of a sudden...i never ask to stay ..sarah will ask me to stay ...or if something is going on i may offer to stay..or we plan in advance if i am staying ..but i never out right ask to spend the night...not once..but i did last night..something was wrong that i wasnt fully aware of ... and wasnt able to even put together until this morning....i didnt realize i was feeling that badly or that unsafe...i didnt realize that going home and being alone would have been a mistake...and i did not realize that sarah was my lifeline at the time...

yes i am alive...no i have not cut..i am taking extra meds to sleep at night...but not every night and ive only taken two of the pain pills...i am still feeling incredibly depressed and the negative thoughts are still winning...its still a battle to want to do anything at all..but im not crying like ive lost my mind anymore...and i did some to work today..and i dont feel like the world is out to get me anymore at least....so once again i found the bottom of whatever it is that i needed to find...and now i have to figure out how to get myself out of there..i dont know how...im not sure i want too...but i know that i have to get it together..i have to work..i have to live...ive been neglecting everything..myself..the cats..my room..my apartment..geez im not even sure when i actually took a shower this week...well i took one today before i left sarahs apartment...but really...its been pretty bad...i havent cared...and i guess i need to figure out how to start caring again...i have to find the energy to do something....anything....i just feel so tired...so stuck...like im going in circles and there is no way out ....

but almost time to go home so i guess i need to work on paper work...and tomorrow is spending the day at sarahs ... so  a relaxing day...maybe ill partake in some of that physical activity that anita and courtney swear i dont get enough of...and maybe i wont mention this particular physical activity ..

seriously my only goal for tomorrow is to take a shower...how sad is that....two days in a row will be a new record...good grief