sadness drowns me

right now i feel as if my head is going in circles...im trying to think and plan but all i can do is lay  doen and try not to cry..my world is crumbling on one hand and trying to become stable on the other and im just feeling stuck in the middle for right now..and i dont know what to do..i know what i have to do..i dont what im expected to do..and in now of those things does it say that im allowed to sit down and cry all day....but today is a day that i doubt i will be able to get anything at all done...my appointment to take the cats in to animal control is at 11am...and at that time my world will most likely stop moving for the rest of the day...taji and bounce will be gone...they have been with me through so much..when im sad they sleep with me..when im drugged .i know ill wake up and one will be on the bed with me...i swear they keep an eye on me just as much as i keep an eye on them...i love the two of them..even when taji is being bad and not listening..even when taji is peeing on everything...even when taji is aggravating bounce (ok do we see a taji theme here???) but they are mine..they know me and i know them..they wait for me to come home...they cry for me...im the one who takes care of them...and today i have to say goodbye to them and they dont even know its coming...in a few hours i will have to catch them and put them in the carrier and take them in and leave them there...i feel awful..i feel like im losing a very important part of myself...i know i had to make a choice...a very important choice...i know that i vouldnt let this job go...i know that i need to work on myself and all of that stuff...but that does not elevate any of the sad and broken feelings i am currently having...i talked to sarah last night and im going over to her place after the appointment...so that im not by myself...because being by myself could not end well...i know ill try harder to stay safe at sarahs than i will if i am alone at my apartment ... i just dont know how to help myself today...i want to do bad bad bad bad things...to make up for having to give up taji and bounce ...