update i guess

update i guess...i have asked for my old job back starting next week....i am moving in with a friend by the end of the month...i will most likely not be able to keep the cats...im not currently applying for jobs right now...the background stuff has me feeling to let down to want to end up just getting fired again..so im at my old job but placed at a different house...so maybe it will be a little bit better...things are not well in the roommate department and i ended up telling her today that i am moving out..and in response she locked me in my room...which was a huge trigger..she said it was an accident..but how can you accident lock the chain on the outside of the door knowing i am in the room??? still trying to calm down from that....dont like being trapped or unable to get out of places..had to ask her to let me out...im am feeling angry and afraid..i feel very unsure of things right now....and trying to keep the thoughts out of danger zones but it is hard...its so easy to just sink into the darkness and just stay there ..where i feel safe....where i can hide away...i am hiding..i am isolating..im not talking to anyone really..occasionally mommy and nia...the only person i see or talk to on a regular basis is sarah...i dont want to do anything..i just want to lay down and sleep..ignore the world..not function anymore..but i have to and that is really depressing ... i cant just shut down..i cant just go take a break in the hospital...i have to work..i have to live..some how...but what is the cost..how much pain will it take to wake myself up and rejoin the normal world..will it be pills or cutting or burning or some other punishment i can think up....my attention needs focus..right now it is all over the place..thinking and planning and thinking and more thinking but not much action..i just lay down and think..i drive and think..i talk and think.. all i do i think..and plan and think some more about what ive already thought about..its tiring ..im tired of thinking ..