Even though it has been a few days since T I am still very embarrassed to be writing this. I am in a long term relationship, engaged in fact, and so with t the topic of intimate stuff comes up from time to time...and each time we shut it down..become immature..giggle or swear its gross..and that all things related to the subject is gross..we have a few hangups in that area to put it nicely..and the partner is patient and has talked with me/us repeatedly about things and the struggles we have with it...how is it possibly to grow up and have no connection to your own body?? I think that is what one of the issues is...this body has been destroyed...it has done nothing good for me..and im supposed to take care of it? like it ? accept it? I don't even want it ? maybe that is where the disconnect is at...this is supposed to be my body..the only one I get ...and I feel nothing for it..no care or love or concern..maybe that is why self care is such a struggle..why I cant read my own body signals correctly...when im sick im sick..when its something serious ..I blame it on being sick..or stress.. take some over the counter meds and call it a day..this body has been cut, burned, used, broken..and what others couldn't do I tried my best to finish...so no there is no connection there.. (and piece 2 falls into place)
well I emailed t some writing ...which was about past things..she read it and came to the session more prepared than I was...I was thinking she was going to turn into a monster and eat me..she on the other hand had like educational stuff for me...go figure... so anyway as the session goes on she shows me the book she has..and its called you and your body or you and caring for you..something along those lines..pretty much a book for preteen girls going through puberty and things..teaching about the changes to expect and things that happen to your body as you grow.etc... I of course looked at it in horror and wanted nothing to do with it..but some inside wanted to see the book and look at it..t talked to me about it for a little bit and asked me to read a small section and then we talked about it... I really wish I could remember what I read...but the fear and nervousness came ..the sadness and embarrassment over the fact that I am having to learn this stuff as an adult because I didn't learn it as a kid and it just makes me feel so stupid...I should be able to talk about intimate stuff with my partner without becoming unable to cope and I cant...I cant label body parts correctly or even say certain words out loud for fear of something happening..something bad happening...we have agreed to work through the book with t because I know that its not me per say who was pulled into the book and wanted to know about it....the fear is theirs..the embarrassment is mine.. :( we are literally having to start at the basics ..body 101...this is your body and what happens...and why and it is hard...I just want to scream that im not a child and I don't need this...but it is the kids that are causing the blocks...the refusals to speak..the struggles to have an adult relationship...its because of the unresolved stuff...which means addressing it right?? but I would rather the floor opened up and swallowed me alive before having any of these conversations..
the session ended up causing flashbacks because in talking things from the past were of course brought up...and it took all day to kind of reach the breaking point but it did..and the fear and paranoia of mommy finding out that we are talking ..or learning this..or even acknowledging this was brought back to the forefront..the issues of speaking to much and that means punishment came up...the thoughts of needing to go forward or to hide and stay in a comfortable zone all came up...it took a long time calming things down..and it was done safely..there has been no punishment..but the head took a massive beating you know..all the energy to maintain and not crack when things are going all over the place..
I guess the reactions to the session lets me know that this is important...that this is something that really needs to be worked on...but im struggling to get past all the feelings .. upset, fear, sad, angry, embarrassed..dejected..did I mention embarrassed? -sigh-
and all of this is started before we wont be able to see t for 3 weeks.. anxiety is up..well writing this has increased my anxiety..
I think this makes sense..i think there are questions in there somewhere..im not sure..
well I emailed t some writing ...which was about past things..she read it and came to the session more prepared than I was...I was thinking she was going to turn into a monster and eat me..she on the other hand had like educational stuff for me...go figure... so anyway as the session goes on she shows me the book she has..and its called you and your body or you and caring for you..something along those lines..pretty much a book for preteen girls going through puberty and things..teaching about the changes to expect and things that happen to your body as you grow.etc... I of course looked at it in horror and wanted nothing to do with it..but some inside wanted to see the book and look at it..t talked to me about it for a little bit and asked me to read a small section and then we talked about it... I really wish I could remember what I read...but the fear and nervousness came ..the sadness and embarrassment over the fact that I am having to learn this stuff as an adult because I didn't learn it as a kid and it just makes me feel so stupid...I should be able to talk about intimate stuff with my partner without becoming unable to cope and I cant...I cant label body parts correctly or even say certain words out loud for fear of something happening..something bad happening...we have agreed to work through the book with t because I know that its not me per say who was pulled into the book and wanted to know about it....the fear is theirs..the embarrassment is mine.. :( we are literally having to start at the basics ..body 101...this is your body and what happens...and why and it is hard...I just want to scream that im not a child and I don't need this...but it is the kids that are causing the blocks...the refusals to speak..the struggles to have an adult relationship...its because of the unresolved stuff...which means addressing it right?? but I would rather the floor opened up and swallowed me alive before having any of these conversations..
the session ended up causing flashbacks because in talking things from the past were of course brought up...and it took all day to kind of reach the breaking point but it did..and the fear and paranoia of mommy finding out that we are talking ..or learning this..or even acknowledging this was brought back to the forefront..the issues of speaking to much and that means punishment came up...the thoughts of needing to go forward or to hide and stay in a comfortable zone all came up...it took a long time calming things down..and it was done safely..there has been no punishment..but the head took a massive beating you know..all the energy to maintain and not crack when things are going all over the place..
I guess the reactions to the session lets me know that this is important...that this is something that really needs to be worked on...but im struggling to get past all the feelings .. upset, fear, sad, angry, embarrassed..dejected..did I mention embarrassed? -sigh-
and all of this is started before we wont be able to see t for 3 weeks.. anxiety is up..well writing this has increased my anxiety..
I think this makes sense..i think there are questions in there somewhere..im not sure..
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