pressure

this is completely different from what i wanted to write ..but i am feeling so much pressure right now to figure things out and im afraid that im just going to screw things up or mess things up some how...
i need to fidure out what i am going to do come monday..i need to figure out what im going to do about going back to the apartment before the 11th..i need to figure out  getting my stuff moved and fitting my bed into the bedroom i have...there is a lot to figure out and right now i have plans i guess but nothing majorly concrete...and i need concrete..i need to know what im going to be sleeping at ... and so the worrying doesnt really go away..and i want to just take pills all day long to numb out so that i dont have to think about anything...what in the world am i going to do...and its not a time to go crying to anyone i guess...i did that ..and now im supposed to move on..and get planning and do something..anything..and really i just want to sit and cry because im tired of thinking and planning...im tired of wondering what im going to do and what i have to do..im tired of thinking up a way to make things ok and plausible and just i dont know...since i didnt get all the money from kathy ..a hotel is a no go...not even for a couple days..i need gas in my car and after giving avante the money ill have maybe 90 dollars or so...so that means sleeping on the couch at her place or sleeping in my car or well sleeping on the floor...all things ive done before..but what is going to get me through the next week..will i need food..what will i need to get done..job hunting and so much...just a lot to do and i am feeling the pressure...add in an inability to get a release of any sort and im just a ticking time bomb..waiting to explode..how much more will get piled on before i end up exploding ..on in my case imploding ... already the thoughts of getting razors plague my head and im not really sleeping all that great...even with the meds...its time for my sort so i am feeling really off and what not...pretty sure my hormones are wrecking havoc on something ..im picking at my hands and feet..im picking at my arms and face and legs...i am having trouble remembering if i am taking my meds...and im afraid to retake them because then ill accidentally take too many ..but which doctor would look at me and then look at my body and say i wasnt trying to kill myself...*sigh* im not suicidal...im just really really down ...depressed..tired ...im pretty sure im hiding out at sarahs ..but i have one more day ..and then ill be forced back into the world and im not really sure i want to be a part of it...i just want to be left alone...but i guess that means im just feeling sorry for myself or i like being depressed or something...everything is just to much right now...ill take enough meds to force myself to go to sleep ...  maybe i wont have bad dreams tonight..