I am having a hard time finding the words to explain how I am feeling ..and why I'm feeling this way...its not about just being here for a week..its not that I have a place to go or that I have to look for another job....
The problem is that the situation has pushed up a lot of thoughts and feelings that may not be directly caused by this..but it is affecting how I am able to deal with it...my panic about the unknown has increased...the worries about finding a job and paying bills and all of that scares me..its because my thinking automatically associates this with things in the past..and yes I feel like I don't belong..that I'm worthless and that I've failed..that is what runs through my mind constantly.. that is what drives my need for punishment or hurting myself...I took 2 trazodone and 2 dilaudid last night..I woke up in the middle of the night with my chest hurting so much I had trouble breathing but I was so out if it that I kept falling asleep sitting up...swore once again not to take them...but the day isn't even over yet and I want them...I most likely wasn't feeling great today because I had fucking morphine taking a stroll through my body..and I woke up and went out..stress and it being close to time for my shot has my stomach feeling so gross and sick..I keep thinking I need razors..that I need to do things I know will hurt..because then I can get out of my head for a little while...so many times I've had to do this. Look for a job..find a place to live...I'm tired..my mind is tired..and I do feel like giving up...because that's easier..that's better..but I keep waking up..I keep doing stuff ..even though I just want to lay in bed and ignore everything and everyone.. I don't want to do anything but I can't not do anything..I have to have a place to live..I have to find a job...even when it feels like I'm being eaten alive by the depression or going crazy from anxiety and over thinking.. a plan will always form...I have to have a plan..I have to have a back up plan..I can't shut down completely no matter how much I try
And maybe that is why I keep wanting the pills..that is an escape. No thinking for a little while..I get tired of thinking and planning and preparing for the worst all the time...with this situation I again set myself up..and when I was told it wasn't working..I just fell apart..this was supposed to be my safe place..my second chance.. my chance to be included and feel wanted...and that not happening was the biggest hurt.. that I wasn't protected..that not even here could I be safe from being hurt...and I had just looked the idea up in my head so much.. I wanted it so much..that it not working out has thrown me off...and I don't know how to pick up the pieces..because I am feeling so broken..and hurt..
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